Well, yesterday marked our first day in the "real world" as my mom headed back to Oklahoma. When I think for a bit about her time with us (and every time she has come when I have had a baby), it just amazes me. Somehow she manages to serve us (cooking, cleaning, laundry, help with boys) every day all day, and actually makes us feel like we are doing her a favor by letting her be there! I think that really is the true nature of a servant, someone who serves completely unselfishly, but never lets on through their words or attitude or actions that they feel like they are serving. So amazing, and I am so thankful.
And, overall yesterday went well. Aaron took the boys to school, so Isaac, Hope and I spent the day at home, and then left in the afternoon to pick up Eli and Micah. We are in the car a long time, about an hour I think, but she did great. As long as I kept a steady supply of animal crackers coming her way. :) And then last night Aaron had a visitation and viewing for his sweet Grandaddy who passed away last Sunday, so it was the 5 of us, and I'm happy to report that everyone was in bed by 8:00. Actually Hope was in bed around 7:20 or so, she started to melt down big time around 7. At one point the boys were all just staring at her as she laid on the floor face first and screamed because I decided to sit on the floor instead of the couch. :)
There are definitely things that are better this week with our transition, and definitely things we are still trying to figure out. Hope will drink from a sippy cup now, and the last two days she has gone down for a nap without crying and standing back up when I put her down. She is also doing much better with the boys, but she really wants to be the one who sets the boundaries on their relationship. She prefers to initiate things with them, as opposed to being a bit manhandled, and really, who can blame her? :) But, she likes to be where they are, and follows them all over the house. Today for the first time since we have been home I felt like she likes us and is happy to be here. Her eyes are different when she looks at me, more open like a guard has been taken down. And she is smiling so much more. And sleeping better too, hooray! At least last night she slept all night, so thankful.
And my heart is also doing so much better. I was thinking about the "ugliness" that I have seen in myself, and how actually in a way I am thankful for it. I'm not sure I would have even known it was there, it was buried so deeply and truly something I have not experienced before, but now that I know it is there I can submit it and ask the Lord to change and redeem it. I am so aware of how much I need Him, how very limited my own abilities and strength are, and how truly "desperately wicked" the condition of my heart is without the grace of God. I'm definitely not done dealing with it, I was thinking today I so wish my response to her or really anyone was the same regardless of their actions toward me, that my love for others was truly unconditional. And that that unconditional love would dictate my actions, and not my feelings in the moment. Lifelong lessons I have a feeling, but by His grace...