real

I don't journal very often at all, I have tried to be more consistent with that on this blog, but sometimes it is just hard to be honest. Yesterday and today I wrote some things down during my quiet time in one of many little notebooks I have. I wanted to write them down here too because this is really where I am trying to keep an accurate account of our lives right now and this adoption process.

Monday June 27
Today is the day. Our new court date is today. The Lord did some amazing things to bring us to this day, and I am so thankful to Him. We have been told we probably will not pass today, MOWA is behind schedule. But God is not on any schedule. His plans and purposes and timeline is not held up by the logistics and inadequacies of man. He will accomplish whatever He needs to in spite of our progress or lack thereof. I know He could allow us to pass today. I believe it with all of my heart. But I also know that is not the most important thing. A resolution, or good news, or positive opinion letter is not where my hope is. My hope is in Him. He is hope. And as long as my eyes and heart are on Him, I will be okay. He will comfort and provide if things don't happen the way I would choose. This process has been incredibly hard, and there have been many times I have both thought and said out loud- I can't do this anymore! But. But God has been there and met me every time. And even now, not quite at the finish line, I would do it again. It has been hard, but good. And I am thankful.

Tuesday June 28
We did not pass yesterday. It was and is hard. Hard to understand. There are so many things I know, but they aren't changing my feelings. Yet. I am trying so hard to hold on to Him and His Word, but I am disappointed. I can't bear to think about being in this same spot for months longer, so I am praying for grace for today. We have until August 5 before the courts close for the rainy season. I am struggling with feeling like my prayers matter which makes it hard to pray with fervor, and diligence, and motivation. I feel like I want to give up. Throw in the towel, surrender. But there is no one to surrender to. Giving up really isn't an option. So I feel stuck again in this unknown, with a seemingly endless road in front of us. I know my feelings are not truth, but I wish they weren't so strong. I need Him. To rescue and remind me. To save me from myself and the slippery pit of discouragement, bitterness, and unbelief. He has not changed. His plan is still going strong. We really aren't stuck, but right where we are supposed to be. I need to let go again. Let go of my expectations, dreams, and hopes, and exchange them for Him. His Plan, His Word, His Presence. CONFESS, SURRENDER, REST.