The house is quiet, Aaron took all 3 boys ice fishing! So thankful for an adventurous husband! And thankful for some time to reflect on the past few days.
We have been home now 6 days, and I think I am finally feeling normal. I slept in until 5:39 this morning, quite a victory when 4:00am was my greeter the past few mornings. Being home has been hard. Harder than I expected. I had missed the boys so much, missed my bed, missed my shower, missed home. I was ready to come home. But the farther we got from Ethiopia, the heavier my heart felt about leaving Hope. Our last day with her was not super-emotional, I think I pushed all the feelings away, but now the reality of her being there and us being here has majorly settled in.
I have been allowing doubts, fear, and bitterness to wind their ways around my heart, and harden it to the Lord. Pushing Him away, blaming Him, and missing Him. I have struggled with understanding why He is allowing something to continue that He could knock out with a whisper. I have become the potsherd asking the potter what they heck He is doing, and why isn't He doing things the "right" way. I think I have taken things personally, like if He really loved me, He would allow our adoption to fly right along without any hitches or hangups. Despite my feelings, I have been seeking Him, knowing deep down that my Hope truly is in Him, in every way. And He has met me. I don't have answers, nothing has changed yet about where our adoption stands, but He is with me and I praise the Lord, I can finally see that. I saw it this morning in a breathtaking sunrise, a donut date with my littlest, and a front-row parking spot at Walmart on a Saturday morning(!). Heck, I can see it right now, in an unexpectedly quiet house before lunchtime!
Isaiah has been such a comfort to me throughout this adoption. The Lord has spoken to my heart through these verses time and time again, and for some reason I am always surprised when He does! This morning, after another hard day yesterday dwelling on the unknown, I read chapter 45 and these are just a few of the verses that leaped into my hurting heart;
-"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through cars of iron.
-...so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel who summons you by name...
-I am the Lord and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me.
-Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter what are you making?
-I am the Lord, and there is no other. I have not spoken in secret from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob's descendants, Seek me in vain. I the Lord speak truth; I declare what is right."
So, my prayer is now, that I would continue to see Him. I am reading a book called One Thousand Gifts, about looking for God in everyday things and being thankful for the many, many gifts He gives us every day. Really, even that I am reading that book right now is a gift from Him. I bought it before we left and didn't bring it because I didn't have room. How timely it has been for me now, no surprise to Him.
I think I am finally ready to talk about our trip with others, and the ways God worked and the prayers He answered. The pain of the known, and unknown is still there, and I'm sure will knock me off my feet at times, but so is He, and He is greater.