Sometimes it's hard for me to know how honest to be on this blog. I know how easily things can be misunderstood, and I think my pride gets in the way of that often. I also want to mostly look back and remember the good things about this time of life. But, at least for today, I am going to put those things aside, and share what I am feeling right now.
I am tired. I am tired of being in this adoption process. I am tired of having either no news or bad news to share when people ask, and then both of us feeling awkward and not knowing what to say after I share. I am tired of feeling like God has forgotten us, and that the opposite of what we are praying for keeps happening. I am tired of not being able to plan ahead, of not knowing when we will be back in Ethiopia, and the next stage will begin. I am tired of thinking we will have a daughter in one stage of development (infant), and then having to adjust to a new stage (toddler). I am tired of taking clothes out of her closet that she has already outgrown (3 times now.) I am tired of thinking we would be in this process for 18 months, only to be in it still at 25 months, and counting. I am tired of seeing dates come and go that I never dreamed we would be passing without her. I am tired of potentially being near the end, only to have another roadblock in our path. I am tired of struggling with the same issues, over, and over, and over. I am tired of trying to think of positive ways to describe what we are going through. The truth? It sucks right now.
So that is a little window into what my heart is feeling now. It seems to want to hold on so tightly to discouragement and bitterness and self-pity. And what a slippery slope the three of those guys can be! You know what though, despite the fact that I feel this way, and sometimes act on those feelings, the truth is that God is still there. He will not and does not change, despite what I feel and do and say. He can take this ugliness from me, and still love me the same. There is some tremendous hope and peace there. I don't have to be perfect and deal with all of this perfectly, I think what I need to do is remember. Remember what He has done, and how far He has brought us. Remember His words, His promises, and His character. I can be honest with the hard stuff, but I need to be honest too about the great stuff He has done.
I am thankful for the chance to know and pray for a little face for 13 1/2 months, before she is even home.
I am thankful for plenty of transition time for all of us with school starting.
I am thankful for a heightened sense of being intentional with my boys.
I am thankful for many days of sweet time with Isaac.
I am thankful for the chance to grow with my husband through this, and see our relationship deepen.
I am thankful for a growing awareness of the bigger picture of adoption, and the hurdles that are there in every stage of the process.
I am thankful for the chance to pray for other families in this process, see them bring home their kids, and share in this with them.
I am thankful for the opportunity to experience God's presence and grace in ways I never have before.
I have sort of distanced myself a bit from it all again. I am feeling peaceful, but like I just need a bit of a break from the heaviness of it all. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to let it be for a while. Which is sort of ironic being that right now, we need prayer more than ever. We heard again from the embassy, and they rejected our paperwork again. This time they want something added to a court decree, but that can't happen right now because the court are closed for the rainy season and won't reopen until the middle of October. There will be a meeting sometime next week (tuesday, wednesday, or thursday) between an embassy official and a representative from our agency to decide if there are any other options. This was pretty crushing news for me, and since then I have been struggling with discouragement. A lot. Aaron and I are praying that the course that the embassy is on in terms of our case will be changed, that they will give us clearance. That God will throw open the doors that seem to be closed so we can bring our girl home.
*We also have the most amazing support system through our family and friends, God has used them over and over to remind us of His love. I know they are also playing a huge role through prayer in bringing Hope home too. I do not take that for granted, and feel terrible when I feel the way I do now, in terms of not wanting to talk much or reach out. So, thank you to everyone who prays for us and our sweet girl, we really couldn't do this without you!