it's back

The feeling is back. I had a lovely break from it for exactly 3 weeks, but this week it returned. This feeling of consuming urgency, waiting for any shred of information, feeling tied to my computer, hoping and praying for news. The relief I felt when we passed court was almost indescribable. I felt renewed, like the biggest weight imaginable had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't even really thinking yet of the next step, I was just so thankful to be where we were. Now, knowing we have been submitted to the embassy, and that they have had our paperwork for one week, I have these familiar, albeit unwanted feelings again.
I don't want to be consumed. I don't want to be anxious. But we really are closer than ever, and suddenly even a few weeks seems pretty unbearable. She is changing and growing at a rate that stuns me, I know it is magnified since we are so far away from her, but wow, do I long to be experiencing and seeing that growth and change. I also know we will be in a whole new world of challenges, but at this point I so want to be there. I am trying to be present here, with Eli and Micah in school, and having more time with Isaac, but I definitely failed yesterday. So, I find myself again, clinging to the Lord and the grace He alone can provide, and praying, praying, praying for good news soon.

new pictures

We received an update and new pictures of our little Hope last week, including her daily schedule and what she eats. Seeing what her day is like, and even simple things like what she is used to eating has definitely got us thinking about how much our life will soon change. I have read some blogs lately of families who are home with their kiddos, and just how difficult that transition can be. It's like you move from one state of dependence on the Lord, to another. I don't think (and this is a good thing) that there is really a time in our lives when we can say, "Whew! Now I can relax and not have to pray about life anymore!" There is always another phase coming, a new beginning that is unknown and maybe uncertain where we need God's grace and guidance.

We also heard that we were submitted to the Embassy on Thursday! Now we wait until they have reviewed our case, and either ask for additional information or clarification, or give us clearance to travel and bring her home. We are obviously praying for option #2! :) I seriously can hardly handle her cuteness in these pictures, and the fact that she has grown up SO much!

school days

The big boys have completed one week of school! We celebrated Friday night with Red Mango, and all of us crashing at 8:30 that night. :) I have experienced so many emotions this week, and at times ones that are conflicting (I wonder if they have too??), but we made it. Last Sunday we returned home from a wonderful trip to Colorado with Aaron's family, that I will write about soon, and made lunches, laid out clothes, and got backpacks ready for the first day of school. Eli and Micah were both excited, I was teary, and Isaac just wanted all of us to "stop talking about school!" That night as I was laying in bed, all I could think about was when I was on bed-rest with them, laying on our couch downstairs, and feeling them have the hiccups at the same time, longing to hold them and SEE them. And now here we are, ready for school. And the scary thing is, everyone tells me time just goes faster from here on out! I cried, and then had the thought, that one of the goals of parenting is to let your kids go. When I look ahead 20 years, I don't want to see 2 grown men that can't leave my side. I want them to be independent and confident on their own. You really do raise your kids to let them go. I know that looks different for everyone, but this was the right step for us at this time.
That first morning, I took them to school. We have about a 16 minute drive, and their school is a little tricky in the parking/drop-off area, so I got kind of confused when we got there. Instead of parking and walking with them to their line-up area, I dropped them off, and had to drive away with Micah just standing looking like he didn't know where to go. I pulled over and parked right away, and ran back to check on him, but he had made it to his class and was fine. I later found out that our good friends who have a 1st grader at the same school were right behind us, and their little guy jumped out and helped the boys find their class. But seeing Micah standing there will forever be burned into my memory, and not really in a good way! Isaac and I went to run errands after that, and it was so weird. So was lunch. For the first time in my life as a mom, I have one kid, and it is this strange mix of missing the boys and enjoying the break. I think that is what has surprised me, that I would feel sad that they were gone, but also a bit of relief that my mind and body have a break from mentally and physically keeping up with 3 boys.
They have done great overall. I know they miss each other during the day, and lunch is hard for them. They sat together once, but usually they just see each other but can't sit together and that is hard. They are super hungry when I pick them up, but not really all that wiped out. It absolutely is an adjustment, for all of us, and I know we all need extra doses of grace for each other.
Saturday they played Legos almost all day, just enjoying being together and at home.