Friday, January 21, 2011
We leave in 2 days. And I am just now realizing to go and see my little girl, I have to leave my little boys. It hit me today when Isaac looked at the pan of muffins on the counter and said, "Mom, are we having pupcakes?!" that I am really going to miss them, and frankly don't want to leave them. This I was not expecting. I was expecting to excitedly usher them to their grandma's house, and hightail it to the airport with hardly a glance over my shoulder. But, I don't think that is actually how it is going to go down. I realized today, I HATE letting go of them. Even if the hands I am leaving them in are wonderfully capable and loving. I want them to be with me always because somehow in my mind that equals safety and protection. And control. I know realistically I do not have control over anything, but I am lulled into thinking that way, and it is a battle I fight all the time. I have been thinking about it in terms of school a ton lately too.
Anyway, 2 days! I have pretty much the boys packed except for last minute things. I am trying this new method of putting all their clothes in bags for each day and then labeling them. So, I have a bag for Monday with their outfits for the day, socks and underwear, etc. I was thinking it would make it easier for Aaron's mom, but I guess we will see! We have two 1/2 big suitcases of donation items, and I will have a suitcase and carry-on. Aaron is going to try and get all of his stuff in his carry-on, but I will have extra room too.
I am feeling so many things right now. It feels surreal and wonderful to be at this point and something I have dreamed about, and yet my heart is a little heavy that I still can't see the end. We don't know if we will pass court, and due to some other circumstances, it is not looking great that we will. I did read this morning in Isaiah 30:18b, For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" I had gone back to this passage because the Lord used it to comfort me when we were waiting for our referral, and He gave me that verse today. He knows the plight of orphans better than anyone, and He loves them more than anyone, so I can rest and trust in His justice and I can wait for Him. So thankful for His gentle shepherding of my heart, and His patience and grace.