*just a warning, this is super long
I haven't talked about adoption stuff for a while. I think the big reason for that is because I have gone through yet another cycle of confusion, disappointment, etc., and really separated myself from all of it. Like majorly separated myself, where I really wasn't feeling anything at all about it. I even wrote a post talking about how disconnected I felt and how I really just wasn't feeling anything, but ended up not finishing it. What I realized, am realizing, is I can choose to stay in this with every part of me, or I can check out. Checking out is a relief. It is a relief to not feel the turmoil and discomfort of knowing every minute a part of your family is not with you, and you don't really know when she will be. It's a relief to not be worried about the days that are slipping by and turning into months, and the milestones you both are missing. It's a relief not to think about how she is getting older, more attached and connected to her life there, and much harder things will be when she is forced to make that change. So, yeah, it felt good to not be consumed with this process, where we are, and where we aren't.
But, in doing that, in letting go and checking out, I let go of the hope I have in Christ. I let go of Him, and allowed some bitterness to take root. He showed me this last week, the day after my birthday. On my birthday, Aaron and I had prayed together about the courts reopening the next day, and the potential for things to happen again. I had a GREAT birthday, felt so loved, and really spoiled. That night when we got back from our movie, we had an e-mail from our agency talking about how the embassy has been sending more and more cases to Nairobi for investigations, and there were some families from our agency that this had happened to. This was such a blow to me, and I felt like that would definitely happen to us as well, just with all that has happened up to this point. (It hasn't happened at this point, we are still waiting for our paperwork to be changed, and resubmitted to the embassy.) So I went to bed, mad, frustrated, and confused. And bitter. The next morning, the boys were all home from school, and were playing together, and I felt like I needed some time with the Lord. So I grabbed my journal and Bible, and started writing. This is what I wrote:
"Lord, I am confused. And I think I may be harboring bitterness. Another hurdle? Another potential delay? On my birthday? On the day we prayed together about moving forward after being on hold for weeks? Why? Why us? Why yesterday? I know I'm not supposed to ask that question, but that is what I am feeling. I'm feeling ignored. Am I missing something? Am I not doing something right? Did we choose the wrong agency? Did we walk where you did not lead? I don't know what to think, do or pray. And I'm feeling like I need confirmation from You that we are where You want us. I'm afraid to ask though, because I'm afraid You won't respond and will reject me. But, I'm asking now. I'm asking for You to reveal Yourself to me, to allow me to know we are supposed to be in this adoption. Because right now, it sure doesn't feel like it. And I know I have some hardness in my heart toward You. Some anger. Because I now who You are, and what You can do. Am I so absorbed in myself that I can't even see what's true anymore? Lord, do I just need a breakthrough? Show me. Show me my sin so I can confess it. Show me Yourself, Your faithfulness and goodness. Lord, I confess my anger, my pride, my unfaithfulness, defiance, stubbornness, and doubt. I confess my selfishness and bitterness and know-it-all attitude. I confess trusting in men instead of You. I confess going through the motions. I confess putting myself first time and time again. I confess liking the sound of my own voice more than really hearing what others have to say.
Father, release me. From these chains of doubt and bitterness, and anxiety. Lead me through Your Word, and prayer, and my husband. I am so weak. Help me to see what You want me to see. Lead us. Remind me.
I think I started putting things between us when our adoption began to get hard. First it was a short fence, then a 6ft privacy one. Then came the bricks and mortar and stones, and pretty soon there was a wall. A big and strong wall with me on one side and You on the other. I did that. I separated us because of my disappointment. I blamed You.
I am taking down the wall!!! I am taking a sledge hammer and pounding it down. But if I do it alone, it won't come down. Help me . Help me overcome through the power of Christ in me and His power. Your power."
After I wrote that, I asked Him where I should turn in my Bible, and Psalm 37 came to mind. I won't write out the whole thing, but here are some of the phrases that just jumped out to me, "trust in the Lord,
commit your way to the Lord,
be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him,
do not fret,
refrain from anger and turn from wrath,
do not fret,
If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand
will not forsake His faithful ones
wait for the Lord
the salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble."
All of that to say, today I am choosing to be ALL IN. I got an e-mail from another mom who adopted a little guy, and she said, " the best parenting I can do for my child is to struggle (emotionally, with paperwork etc...) with all Christ's strength for her." That is all I can do right now, but I am going to do it. I am going to struggle for her, and fight for her. Not that I won't struggle with the same things again, like probably next week, but today, this is where I am.