-The number of boys under 5 I have in my house
-The number of times I have moved in my whole life
-How many brothers I have
-How many months we have been on the waiting list!!!
We have now been on the waiting list for a little over 3 months. For some reason, I thought this time would be going by a bit more quickly than it is. Maybe that is partly because I start anticipating another month down, 2 weeks before we are there!
I have been thinking about our girl so much. She is always on my mind, but I have felt off and on much more of a burden for her. I have also been thinking about her birth family, especially her mother, and just praying that she/they would find healing and peace in Jesus. I also had the realization of how important my prayers are for her (duh!). My boys, and Aaron and I have entire families full of Godly men and women who pray for us faithfully. But my girl may not, and we might be the only ones she has who are praying for her. That may not be true, and I really hope it is not, but wow, if it is, how huge it is that we are praying faithfully for her!
I have started my required Hague adoption training and have been feeling a little overwhelmed. I haven't read anything completely new, but I think the reality has begun to hit me about how big international adoption really is. There are so many unknowns, and circumstances completely out of our control, and that can be pretty scary. Again, I knew this on some level, but reading hours and hours of articles really hammers it home! I know that God has led us here and will continue to lead us, and I am still as excited and pumped about adoption as ever, but I am realizing that it is so much more than that moment when you bring that child into your home. (of course!) There are questions that will probably never be answered, and circumstances we will never fully understand. I think what scares me the most is having our daughter grow up and have questions that we cannot adequately answer that will lead her to experience pain, rejection, isolation, and doubts about who she is. I hate thinking about not being able to comfort her and have the words to bring healing to her broken heart. I have been thinking a lot about how you talk to your child about their adoption, what to say, what not to say, how honest to be, how you explain abandonment, etc. I think one of the hardest parts is just all of the unknowns.
I guess the important thing is to focus on what I do know. What I know about God, His provision, His love, and His presence. It will be hard, there will be questions that have no answers, there will be things I can never understand. But we are not in this alone, and the One who has gone before us, is also going with us, and behind us, and I can place all my trust in Him.