Celebrating our littlest superhero!

Isaac turned three one week ago today! It was fun to see him really "get" his birthday this year, and we tried to make it so special for him. He woke up and was excited to see his decorations and presents at the table. (As a side note, Aaron asked me what we would do if we had 10 kids since decorating for each birthday takes so much longer than we think it will!) We had our traditional chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for breakfast and he opened his presents. We gave him his own superhero cape that a friend made for me (he had been wearing his brother's), a huge semi-truck that carries a bunch of matchbox cars in the back, and a new soccer ball. We played with his toys the rest of the morning, and then met Aaron at McDonald's for lunch, Isaac's favorite.
For supper we had what he requested, cheese pizza and Cheetos. I made him a little cake for his actual birthday, but we were going to have some family over to celebrate Thursday so I saved his big cake for that. After supper we gave him the choice of going fishing, on a hike, or to a park, and he picked going on a hike. After he asked what a hike was. :) It was a great day celebrating this little guy, and thanking God for giving us this precious gift.

Some facts about Isaac at three years old:
-he hardly ever walks anywhere, he jumps, runs, or bounces.
-he is big (wears a lot of size 4 clothes), and is quickly catching up to his brothers!
-he LOVES breakfast which he calls supper, and hates supper which he calls breakfast. he will eat all breakfast foods (eggs, oatmeal, cereal, etc.), but takes one bite of supper almost every night, regardless of what it is. unless it's chicken strips or pizza. :)
-he has been potty-trained for about 6 months, and was SO much easier to train than his brothers.
-he sleeps with his "baba" and "blankie".
-he is super ticklish!
-he is my buddy, and wants to be wherever I am.
-he hates to be left behind, but will play happily by himself if he can choose to. one day after his nap he requested to have "rest time" in which he played by himself in his room for an hour and a half.
-he is so cuddly, and still loves to be held and rocked.
-he likes being the baby, and reminds me all the time that he is my baby.
-he is super coordinated and loves soccer and baseball. we had to take an unfortunate trip to the ER and he was perfectly fine, but the doctor commented a couple times how coordinated he was and that we needed to get him into sports.
-he will always be my littlest, but he calls himself my stinkiest!

waiting

I read this poem this morning, and loved the message. This is what I desire my heart to be like during this wait, not that it has been this way, but so thankful for the Lord's grace that meets me moment by moment.

Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till next steps made plain shall be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master is pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!
Perhaps it may be today
The Master will quickly open
The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late;
He knoweth that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate.
J. Danson Smith

a bit of a rough patch

So, I haven't really felt like writing lately. I think that may be directly related to the fact that life just seems hard right now. We have still not heard anything definite about our adoption. Basically, we could get the news any day that we have been approved, but it could also be weeks or longer. I read somewhere that waiting for something that you felt like God led you to do, but He now seems to be so quiet about is one of the hardest things. And I think i agree. I know He could change things in a heartbeat, He can move mountains, and if He doesn't there is a good reason. It's just hard. Hope B. is now almost 10 months old, in the last picture we received she was sitting up and playing with toys. It's the first time we have received a picture of her doing something other than lying in her bed. :) She is the sweetest thing, and letting go of her over and over (figuratively) is the hardest thing I have done.

In little boy news, Isaac is done with his pacifier (bobo), and Eli has stopped sucking his thumb! Both victories for our little family. Isaac chewed through his pacifier when we went to Oklahoma and I had not brought any others, and really did not want to buy more. So, that was the end of that. He actually handled it SO much better than I imagined he would. He had a couple of rough nights/naptimes, but nothing major.

Eli has sucked his thumb since he was probably 2 months old or so. Up until recently, he would suck it pretty much any time he was doing something quiet-being read to, watching t.v., riding in the car, etc. We started making it a "find" to suck it outside of bedtime, and I really never saw him suck it anymore. And we said if he gave it up completely he could have a party at Chuck E. Cheese, and although we don't have hidden cameras in his room, I think he has actually given it up. Micah has verified and confirmed he really doesn't suck it anymore. :)

Life is marching right along, and I am trying to figure out how to march here along with it while part of my heart is on the other side of the world.

Easter 2011

We had another special and fun Easter this year. I decided a little late, that I wanted to make Hot Cross Buns for our family. I have never made them before, and learned you are actually supposed to make them for Good Friday, but we had ours Easter Sunday instead. They were good, although time consuming! Not sure I have really mastered yeast dough either, but I think it was a good first try.
After breakfast we went the our church's early service and then came back home and did the resurrection eggs with the boys. They really got into them, and liked going through each one again and again. After we finished Isaac hid them all for himself, and we had quite the time trying to find them all. :)
We spent lunch with my family, and the boys had their first candy hunt. They seriously look forward so much to going to Chuck and Lydia's and getting lots of candy, and their chocolate bunnies!
After that we spent the evening with Aaron's family, and had another great meal and Easter egg hunt. I was reminded what a precious gift it is to have such wonderful family. We are so blessed to be surrounded by people we love, and have the chance to spend time with them often.

Things I want to remember about life lately:

1. We started a new chore chart system for Eli and Micah. It's the Dave Ramsey system for kids, and it has been great so far. We thought of chores/jobs they could do each day and receive commissions at the end of the week. Micah's ideas for jobs included 1)putting his coat on before we left anywhere, 2)watching out for the hot oven when I opened the door 3) bringing in firewood during the winter. :) They also receive fines for certain behaviors, which they call "finds."

2. We were having our Bible time before bed a couple of nights ago and read the story of Adam and Eve and how Adam was formed from dust and Eve was formed from Adam's rib. Isaac piped up and said, "Is this my wibbon? (ribbon)", pointing to his chest. :)

3. Last week I had a LEGO day with the boys. We played all morning with LEGOS, which basically consisted of me putting things together for them. My brain literally felt like I had just taken the ACT when we were done, so many little tiny pieces! And all our LEGOS are just in a big bin all mixed together so it takes forever to find what you need. It was fun though, and I realized whenever I don't want to think about adoption stuff, I can just play with LEGOS because when you are building things you can't think about anything else!

4. I think one of the things I have learned so far through this adoption, is how much there is to be thankful for. I also feel like I can more fully appreciate when things are good, because there have been so many hard days.

5. On the way home from church yesterday (Easter), we were talking about how Jesus rose from the grave. Isaac says, "Jesus is not in the tomb, He went to McDonald's and got hangabers (hamburgers) and french fries." Any guesses what Isaac's favorite restaurant is?

a lot

*I have started and stopped this post so many times. I just need to finish it, so if it seems disjointed that's why. And super long. :)

I feel like there have been a lot of things lately that I have wanted to write about, but I am going to start with what is the freshest. I have been struggling again with waiting and trusting. A couple of nights ago, (in public no less) I had a major breakdown and felt like my heart was literally breaking. It was actually a blessing looking back on it that it was in public because I was with several of my closest friends who literally surrounded me with their support and love. Anyway, I guess I have just been feeling at the end of myself. And dealing with fear that what I long for so very much may not come to be. I felt like God was asking me to let her go. Not that we have ever physically had her, but let go of my dreams, expectations, and desires. I just had this picture in my mind of holding her with open arms and hands outstretched, instead of clenching her tightly. And really, isn't that the only way to actually hold anything? If my hands are clenched, I can't really hold anything anyway. But at the same time so hard to let go, and allow those fingers to release.

I wish I could say I have been consistent through this process, consistent in my faith and trust and belief in God's goodness, and consistent in combating these feelings of fear and despair instead of allowing them to influence my behavior. But that unfortunately isn't true. I have had good days, even good weeks were I feel peaceful and content, and full of the Lord. And then I have had very bad days and even weeks where I begin to doubt, and the doubt snowballs into fear, distrust, despair, and grief. A good friend of mine told me this quote from I think Philip Yancy, that so often we confuse God with life. When life is good, God is good; but when life is bad, God is bad. I have done that over and over again, and I am so tired of it. I am tired of my feelings. They are so untrustworthy and don't make sense so much of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had this thought that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in this process, as opposed to being "stuck" which is how I had been describing our situation. If I believe that God is in control, and we are doing what He wants us to do (and I do), then He will move us to the next step when we are supposed to move. And until then, we are where we are supposed to be. He also brought 1 Peter 5:6-7 to my mind too and it connected with me in a completely new way, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
"In due time," not mine, but His.

This last week the boys and I made the trip down to Oklahoma. It was my first time driving by myself with all three, and they were awesome. I had some moments of stress when the dvd player was acting up, but we made it there and back with no trouble at all. I felt so heavy when we got there, just sad, and well, heavy. And what a safe and wonderful place to be when feeling that way. At home; where I am perfectly comfortable, at ease, and at peace. Where we are wanted and loved and so many distractions and stresses are just not there. I didn't have to do anything or go anywhere. Just hang out with my family. The main reason we were there was to spend time with my brother Andy before he leaves for Afghanistan. So, I went down emotional about our adoption, and returned emotional about him leaving! :)

There is so much to be thankful for all around me, and I have the list to prove it! I think what I just feel sad about is that I am missing so much of her life right now. She is nearly 9 months old, and I have missed all of it so far. I already feel like her mom, and I hate that I am missing all of the changes and growth that happen in that first year. We are watching her grow up through pictures and updates, and I just want to be with her.

I'm not sure how this all fits together; trusting the Lord and His timing, feeling disappointed and sad, looking for His goodness and trying to choose joy, praying with faith and expectancy, but humility and open hands at the same time. I am thankful He knows my heart and gives me the opportunity to start over, and that His forgiveness and grace are not dependent on me. HE IS GOOD.

numbers

-Hope B. is 8 months old today

-she is 15 pounds and 23 inches long

-we have known her face for 6 months and 22 days

-it has been 2 months and 2 days since we left for our court date

-we have been on this adoption journey for 19 months and 23 days

-there are 3 little boys, 1 dad, and 1 mom who can not WAIT until our girl is home