a lot

*I have started and stopped this post so many times. I just need to finish it, so if it seems disjointed that's why. And super long. :)

I feel like there have been a lot of things lately that I have wanted to write about, but I am going to start with what is the freshest. I have been struggling again with waiting and trusting. A couple of nights ago, (in public no less) I had a major breakdown and felt like my heart was literally breaking. It was actually a blessing looking back on it that it was in public because I was with several of my closest friends who literally surrounded me with their support and love. Anyway, I guess I have just been feeling at the end of myself. And dealing with fear that what I long for so very much may not come to be. I felt like God was asking me to let her go. Not that we have ever physically had her, but let go of my dreams, expectations, and desires. I just had this picture in my mind of holding her with open arms and hands outstretched, instead of clenching her tightly. And really, isn't that the only way to actually hold anything? If my hands are clenched, I can't really hold anything anyway. But at the same time so hard to let go, and allow those fingers to release.

I wish I could say I have been consistent through this process, consistent in my faith and trust and belief in God's goodness, and consistent in combating these feelings of fear and despair instead of allowing them to influence my behavior. But that unfortunately isn't true. I have had good days, even good weeks were I feel peaceful and content, and full of the Lord. And then I have had very bad days and even weeks where I begin to doubt, and the doubt snowballs into fear, distrust, despair, and grief. A good friend of mine told me this quote from I think Philip Yancy, that so often we confuse God with life. When life is good, God is good; but when life is bad, God is bad. I have done that over and over again, and I am so tired of it. I am tired of my feelings. They are so untrustworthy and don't make sense so much of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had this thought that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in this process, as opposed to being "stuck" which is how I had been describing our situation. If I believe that God is in control, and we are doing what He wants us to do (and I do), then He will move us to the next step when we are supposed to move. And until then, we are where we are supposed to be. He also brought 1 Peter 5:6-7 to my mind too and it connected with me in a completely new way, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
"In due time," not mine, but His.

This last week the boys and I made the trip down to Oklahoma. It was my first time driving by myself with all three, and they were awesome. I had some moments of stress when the dvd player was acting up, but we made it there and back with no trouble at all. I felt so heavy when we got there, just sad, and well, heavy. And what a safe and wonderful place to be when feeling that way. At home; where I am perfectly comfortable, at ease, and at peace. Where we are wanted and loved and so many distractions and stresses are just not there. I didn't have to do anything or go anywhere. Just hang out with my family. The main reason we were there was to spend time with my brother Andy before he leaves for Afghanistan. So, I went down emotional about our adoption, and returned emotional about him leaving! :)

There is so much to be thankful for all around me, and I have the list to prove it! I think what I just feel sad about is that I am missing so much of her life right now. She is nearly 9 months old, and I have missed all of it so far. I already feel like her mom, and I hate that I am missing all of the changes and growth that happen in that first year. We are watching her grow up through pictures and updates, and I just want to be with her.

I'm not sure how this all fits together; trusting the Lord and His timing, feeling disappointed and sad, looking for His goodness and trying to choose joy, praying with faith and expectancy, but humility and open hands at the same time. I am thankful He knows my heart and gives me the opportunity to start over, and that His forgiveness and grace are not dependent on me. HE IS GOOD.