It has been a very long couple of weeks. My grandpa died Thursday morning surrounded by family, very peacefully, but no less heartbreaklingly. Since his death and the few days leading up to it, our family has spent some sweet time together, remembering, laughing, crying, and trying to figure out what life looks like now that he is gone.

The service for him was so special. His kids spent hours and hours planning and thinking of just the right things to share about him. It really was a time of thanking and praising the Lord for giving us such a wonderful man, and seeing how he gave every area of his life to the Lord. It has also been a time of learning more about him. He was so humble, never one to draw any attention to himself or anything he ever did for anyone else, and there have been many stories that have come out about how he touched people's lives. Even things my grandma never knew about.

For me, the week leading up to his death was incredibly emotional. I could hardly talk or think about him without dissolving into tears. For now I feel like that part may be over, and now I just sort of feel an emptiness. So many conflicting emotions: thankfulness and peace that He is in Heaven with Jesus, but so sad that he is no longer here with us; excitement and joy at being with all of our family, but this empty feeling because he is not here too.

I think I sort of operate out of a "looking forward to what is coming next" attitude. If there is something going on that I am not super excited about or that is hard, I think, "Well, at least I have (fill in the blank) to look forward to." But with grandpa dying, there doesn't seem to be anything to fill in that blank. There doesn't seem to be any good options in thinking about life without him. And maybe that is how it is supposed to be. There really is no one who could or should fill his place, and I really would never want anyone to. It is just plain hard, it hurts, and in reality will never be the same. But in the midst of that the Lord is still here, where He always has been, with us in our pain and heartbreak.

Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

And life somehow marches on. This week the boys have all been taking naps again, hallelujah! I separated Eli and Micah and they have both been sleeping beautifully, (seriously, is that all it took?!) Micah has learned how to jump on one foot, and he can finally say his C's, K's, and G's. He has to hold his little throat to feel the difference between the sound in the front of his mouth and the back of his throat, but he can do it. Isaac is talking more and more, some of my favorites- nump (jump), peas mama, (please mama), ted you (thank you). Eli and Micah have also been super excited about getting some Leapsters (they call them weapsters) from my young cousins with tons of games. And we have thoroughly enjoyed having my parents here for so many sleeps!

Lord, thank you for your goodness to us in the midst of heartache and your promises that are new every morning, GREAT is your faithfulness.

grandpa

My Grandpa Tschetter is in the hospital, close to being Home. It all happened so fast, it's really hard to actually believe and wrap my mind around. Last week he started feeling like maybe he had the flu, went to the doctor who discovered he had acute leukemia, and now he is stuggling to breathe and so sick. He went into the hospital last Friday and today is Wednesday.

I have been so sad, crying off and on every day since Friday, sometimes so overcome I have to excuse myself. But in the midst of all my tears, I really want to write about him, what I think of when I think of him and what he means to me.

My grandpa is faithfulness. He is a servant, never complaining, and doing things that most of us would never think of to help out. He is quiet, but strong. Just his presence is a comfort. He is twinkling eyes and a soft chuckle. He is homeade icecream and bingo. He is integrity and dignity. He is a strong handshake and hug. He is the one who helps me out the door when I visit, carrying boys or bags, and helping me with carseat buckles. He is a caretaker, of his home, yard, and vehicles. He is an observer, taking it all in. He is careful and punctual. He is a husband, loving and taking care of my Grandma so well.

Yesterday I was crying and Eli came up and asked me what was wrong. I explained that Grandpa Tschetter was really sick and would probably be in heaven soon. He looked at me so earnestly and said, "He's going to heaven? Well, then we will see him again, mom, you don't have to cry. You don't have to cry, mom."

And you know what, he is abolutely right, and it did stop my tears for a little while at least. It's just so hard to imagine life without him, hard to imagine my Grandma, hard to imagine family gatherings, hard to imagine their home, without him there.

I guess I just want to thank him for being the cornerstone of our family, and leading us so well. He has left a legacy of faith, always pointing us to Christ, and reminding us of what is most important, loving the Lord with our heart, soul, and mind.

Thanks Grandpa, I love you.

1+1=TROUBLE!

Having twins I have heard or read these last four years many "horror" stories about the trouble that twin boys can get into together. How they help each other get into anything and everything, create terrible messes, and basically cause havoc for their household. In fact, I remember walking through Scheel's when the boys were little, they were still in their stroller, and another mom of twin boys said to me, "It doesn't get any easier, so be prepared!"

And just this last week I was thinking we had pretty much avoided anything like this so far. We have had the occasional mess, but really nothing major. Well, things may be changing.

We have been nearing the end of naptime for a couple of months now, which deserves its own day of mourning and grief, and last week the boys were definitely NOT sleeping. I had gone up once to warn them, heard a little more noise and then nothing for a long time. So long in fact, that I started to get a little worried. I was actually worried that they had pushed Eli's mattress off his bed, and he was trapped underneath. (Is that a mom way to think or what!) Anyway, I go up and open their door, and there they are; buck naked, soaking wet with soapy water with soapy water pouring out of the bathroom into their room. Oh, they are also covered with mascara and bronzer and the sink is full of soapy makeup water, and the medicine cabinet is open with toiletries, makeup, and bandaides everywhere. I just sort of stood there shocked for moment, but honestly wanted to burst out laughing. They had covered themselves with makeup and then tried to take a bath in the sink to wash it off so I wouldn't notice. Gotta love the logic of almost 4 year olds! Later I was talking to Micah trying to figure out how this had happened, and he informed me it was his idea to go into the bathroom because, "he wanted to do something exciting," and Eli's idea to get into my makeup and medicine cabinet.

And then literally the next day, I was cleaning up the kitchen and I walk into the living room and Micah is pouring out water from his water bottle on the wood floors "so his shark could swim." And Eli is right behind me with his own bottle of water for his shark.

And today, the boys were upstairs supposedly having rest time, when I hear Micah screaming my name. I run upstairs and he is on top of the ironing board which they have somehow set up, and blood is gushing out of his finger. He climbed on top of that to reach this ulu knife Aaron has on his dresser. Thankfully it was a very little cut, but he was squeezing the life out of it making it bleed quite a lot. And, I should also mention, the floor vent was taken off, and his head was covered in dust, pointing to the fact he stuck his head in the floor vent. (We have a really old house with some vents that are quite a bit bigger than in newer houses.) What in the world!?
I tell you what, they have kept me busy this week!

WAITING LIST!!!

We are officially on the waiting list as of yesterday, February 9, 2010! I personally have been eagerly awaiting this day, waiting for it to become "real" for us, waiting for our side of things to be complete, waiting to really allow myself to think and dream and plan. I know we are far from the end of this journey, it is actually just beginning, but I love that we are beginning this next stage.

Up to this point it has sort of felt like we have been in the stage of wanting to get pregnant, if that makes sense. You dream about it, hope for it, but it sort of seems like something far away. And now, it's like we are pregnant. It's a little more real, I feel like we can talk about it like it's really going to happen. But always with the caveat that there is so much unknown, and surely to be bumps along the way.

I also have been thinking more and more about our baby's birth mom and family. For us to have her as our daughter, someone else has to let her go, a decision I cannot even begin to fathom. As excited as I am about this part the process, I also have this heaviness in my heart about how challenging her introduction to the world will be, and the process that will bring her to us. I am praying so much for her family, that God will meet them right where they are and bind up what are sure to be some broken hearts as He promises to do.

And I have been thinking about time. About how the aspect of time that drives me into a panic is the same aspect I am loving right now; it never stops. The countdown to bring our daughter home has begun and it will not stop until we have her here. Now I feel like I can finally start really preparing for her; learning all I can about Ethiopia, reading everything I can about adoption, and introducing our family to a new culture that will forever be a part of our family.

Psalm 62:5
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

cuteness

There have been some cute things the boys have said or done lately that I wanted to get down before I forgot.

Isaac-
Right now Isaac has this crazy fear of chewing gum. If he even sees you chewing it, he runs away, and if you are holding him and chewing it, he WILL NOT look at you. He buries his face in your shoulder. I think it is from being scared a few too many times of bubbles popping loudly.
He also does this cute thing where he climbs up in my lap while I'm sitting on the couch facing me, so we are nose to nose. He also does this when I have the laptop on my lap too, so he is in between me and the computer. It's sort of like he is saying, "Mom, I need your attention RIGHT NOW."
He has a pacifier in his mouth a lot, and when he smiles with it in, he has the cutest "smile with your eyes" smile you have ever seen!

Micah-
Over Thanksgiving he squished himself in the fridge at my parent's house and said, "Look, I'm a leftover!"
He was playing with a vacuum attachment and said, "Mom, wanna play live savers with me?" (translation: light sabers)
He and Eli just watched the movie, "An American Tale" with the little mouse Fievel, and they both thought his name was Bible.
In the car yesterday he asked me, "Mom, what is that truck hollering (hauling)?"

Eli-
A couple of times now he has said, "Mom, I think I am falling in love with you."
Yesterday when I was vacuuming he said, "Mom, thanks for all the work."
Eli is really into helping me right now, with whatever I am doing. He runs and gets a stool and gets as close as he can. It takes a lot of patience on my part because it invariably takes at least twice as long if not longer when he "helps" me, but I know how important it is to him.

honesty 2

Eli strikes again! Today as we were getting ready to leave the house he says, "Mom, your bottom is squishy," as he pats it. Wow, I could really start to have some body image issues here, good thing I have a good sense of humor. Ha ha ha...?
On another note, but sort of related, I was thinking today how thankful I am that my boys feel like they can say whatever is on their mind to me. They feel the freedom to say what they think, good and bad. We are trying to redirect the "bad" and raise boys that are respectful and thoughtful, but I love that they feel comfortable and safe enough to say what they want to. Of course that is how it should be toward their mom, but when does that change? When do you go from being uninhibited with your words and actions to feeling bound up and unable to express yourself the way you really want to? Or maybe it's just me. I know I sometimes struggle with saying or doing what I really feel, so that probably causes me to appreciate all the more when I see freedom in others. In any case, honesty at almost 4 provides some great entertainment and laughs, if only there was someway to keep those comments in the privacy of our own home...

honesty

*Eli around 6-9 months

You gotta love the honesty of little kids. Or maybe don't love it, depending on the situation. Today, I was sitting checking my e-mail and Eli comes over and says in his matter of fact voice, "So mom, when are you having the baby? It looks like you have a baby right there," as he pokes my stomach that may or may not have been sticking out just a little bit. Uh well Eli, there is no baby, but thank you very much for jump starting my ab workout once again. Or at least, making me think long and hard about starting one.
In other news, OUR CIS APPROVAL NOTICE CAME TODAY!!!! Yay!! This is the last bit of paperwork we have been waiting for to officially be on the waiting list. We are planning on getting it notarized today and mailing it to our dossier agency tomorrow. Thank you Lord!

*And I can't believe I didn't realize how those two things are connected, but a friend had to point that out to me! I may not have a baby in my belly, but I do (or will) have one in Ethiopia, and we are one step closer to bringing her home!