remember

Well, it's 8:15 on a Thursday morning, Aaron left a few minutes ago to take Eli and Micah to school, I have not showered, and Hope and Isaac are playing with cars in the living room, so we'll see how much of this I get written at once! I have gotten so behind with blogging, and it's really the only family journal we have (we are also pretty bad about taking pictures), and I do want to have some record of these days as our family changes and grows. So, no matter how far behind I get, I will keep trying!

The theme "remember" has been running through my mind a lot lately. This time last year was a VERY difficult time for us in our adoption. We just kept getting bad news on top of bad news, and really had to look in the face the possibility that Hope may not be coming home to our family. I remember feeling heartbroken, forgotten, and a kind of left behind as other families we traveled with on our first trip started seeing movement in their cases. God's grace and compassion were definitely real to me, but it was also so hard to let go of something I so desperately wanted.

Every year our church has a spring dinner, and my good friend Kelly and I have decorated a table for it every year for the last 5 years. Last year it seemed like everything sort of culminated in terms of my emotions on that night, and after the dinner I broke down. Like almost sobbing. In public. I really felt like we maybe were not meant to bring Hope home, like an intuition of sorts. And a few weeks later, that possibility became very real as we discovered new information about her family. That night as I cried my eyes out, I was literally surrounded by my friends who were also at the dinner, and who were such a huge part of our support as we went through our adoption.

This year I just couldn't help but vividly remember that night, and the emotions and heartache that were there. But this year, wow, who could have imagined where we would be! Where God would bring us, and how He would lead us. Hope is home! I get to hold her in my arms, kiss her cheeks, hear her squeal and babble...and remember. So, our theme for our table this year was "Hope," and Psalm 62:5 was our verse, "Find rest O my soul in God alone, my hope comes from Him." I took this verse both literally and figuratively. :)

I have also been reading in Deuteronomy lately, and "remember" has also been a pretty big theme there as well. Remembering the laws God has given us, who He is, and what He has done. He is and was our answer, He goes before us, He is with us, and He has done great things!

birthday boys

It has been another quick month with quite a bit happening around here! We had Eli and Micah's 6th birthday, 2 of my brothers and one sister in law came to visit, we reached our 3 month home mark with Hope, and had spring break!

Eli and Micah turned 6 on March 23, and that is still settling in. I can't believe my first 2 are 6! Their birthday was on a Friday, and Aaron signed up to be the Watchdog at their school that day (basically dad's sign up to spend the day at school, helping with whatever the teacher's need, and just being a male presence during the day). It was a little trickier fitting in our usual birthday routine before they had to leave, but we did it, just a little faster. :) Angela had helped me with the decorations the night before (Aaron was gone, and very thankful, ha!), and I made the traditional chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes. They opened a couple of gifts from us, and Ben and Angela, and then they were off!

I also made treats to take with them for their classes, they informed me that, "moms don't really come for birthdays," and realized again how much easier it will be if they are in the same class next year. 24 treats instead of 50 anyone? After school Aaron took them and 2 of their friends from school to the Ultimate Pizza Machine, and Ben and Angela met them there with Isaac. Hope and I stayed home, and waited for them to come back so we could have cake and ice cream. They came home so wound up and excited, the pizza machine had been a big hit!

We wanted them to feel special and loved on their special day, and I think they did. I was a little sad about the fact that I hardly saw them at all on their birthday, so different from years before, but I did get some time alone with them on Sunday morning. I love having 6 year olds, maybe my favorite age yet? I truly love spending time with them, they are funny and sweet, and they are becoming more responsible and trustworthy. I have seen a lot of growth this year in them, in their confidence and independence, and I feel so thankful and honored to be their mom.

So many memories flash through my mind when I think back these 6 years, and before they were born:
-laying on our couch downstairs while on bedrest and feeling them have the hiccups, at the same time!
-just staring at them, as they slept side by side on my lap right after they were born
-playing on the floor for hours, watching them smile at each other, dancing around the living room, and reading
-getting out of the house in our double stroller, lots of extra attention!
-moving them into big boy beds, they looked so little
-the agonies (and I do mean agonies) of potty-training
-welcoming a little brother, they were just over 2 when Isaac was born and pretty much the cutest

So thankful for these 2. I never in a million years imagined myself with identical twin boys, but wow, I am just blown away by the gift it is to be their mom.

*buddies, at least for a minute or two!

*wearing her big brother's coat, she loved it!

We are still here! I have not been on my computer as much lately, so blogging has not been happening. I feel like we are just racing through time right now. Suddenly Eli and Micah's 6th birthday is 2 weeks away!

I think everyone is doing well. :) Some days it's a little harder to tell than others, but what a gift it is to have 4 precious kiddos and one amazing husband. Hope continues to amaze me with how she handles everything, and takes it all in. I know it is hard for her, I know she is still grieving and struggling with all she has lost, but she is also making progress. She isn't curled up on the floor in a ball (like I imagine I would do if our places were switched), she is living her little life the best way she can, and I am so proud of her for that. Really, I would be proud of her no matter what, even if her behaviors were a lot harder to handle. It has been so helpful to remember to keep my feelings out of it for now, that my response to her is the same, no matter what. I literally say that out loud sometimes, when we are having a harder day.

These are some things I have seen improvement in lately:
-she holds onto my hand when we go pick up the boys at school and stays close, instead of running straight into the crowd of kids and not looking back

-she is relaxing more quickly when we rock at nap and bedtimes

-she doesn't bunch up her legs when I pick her up

So, those are great! One thing I have noticed that isn't exactly great, is that I don't think she knows me as her mama yet. When you ask her, "Hope, where is mama?" She looks around with big eyes, like "Seriously, where the heck is she?!" She had a special mother in her foster care home that we unfortunately didn't get to meet. I think they were together for several months at least. Today, has been a little harder of a day, and when I was rocking her she was saying "mama, mama", but it was pretty clear she wasn't talking to me. That's hard, totally understandable, but still hard. I feel like we pretty much start over each day, I know there are seeds of love and trust being planted in both of our hearts, but those don't grow up overnight! It takes time, and consistency, and patience. And I know that when I am weak, feeling helpless or discouraged, it makes that much more room for Christ to move and work, and fill me up with His love. That is what I need more than anything. To love out of the overflow that only He can provide.

We have gone to church three times now as a family. It's overwhelming for Hope, and the rest of the day and night are a bit harder,but I think she has done just a bit better each week. We keep her with us for now, and it has been so nice to be able to go as a whole family again! Aaron and I have also had 2 Saturday morning dates which has been amazing! It really has been so great to get out just the two of us, and talk and have fun. His mom has come to our house to watch the kids, and Hope has been fine. Which I'm not sure is good or not (I think ideally you want her to show some concern when you leave), but I am so thankful for Aaron's mom being willing to come, and the relationship she has with all of our kids. They all love her!

We also went to an Ethiopian restaurant as a family last Friday. Aaron and I had gone once before, but this was the first time with all the kiddos. We all chowed down, except for our little Ethiopian! She took one bite, and was done. :) The two ladies that were working there were so sweet and kind to us, and loved all our kids. They were especially excited about Hope, and she is from the same area that both of them are from. We will definitely be making many more trips there! Oh, Hope did stay pretty close to me when we were there. The other ladies wanted to hold her, but she didn't want to go to them. That is a good thing! Although part of me felt bad that she wouldn't let them hold her, another part was glad that she feels more connected to me.

The boys have been doing good, but I have noticed more emotion at night before bedtime, especially about how much I love them. I will say something, and this has happened now twice, they twist it around into how it means I don't love them! Like, one day I mentioned how I missed my alarm that morning so I didn't get to have my quiet time, and they took that as I wanted time without them because I don't love them. Another time I was talking about how I knew Aaron longer than they had been alive, and again, they interpreted it as me not loving them. Clearly they are working through stuff too, and it has been a good reminder to me to give them more assurances and demonstrations of my love than normal. It just caught me off guard, but I think it's them working through adding another member to our family, and my focus being a little different than it was before.

We are having company the next two weeks (my brother Mark, and then my brother Ben and sis in law Angela), and we are so excited for that! So thankful for family, both here and far away!

good thoughts

I have come across some great quotes/thoughts lately, and wanted to get them down here. They are about adoption and parenting, and have been so encouraging for me.

This blog post was SO good. About asking the Lord to help you see your child the way He sees them, past all their behaviors, to who they truly are ( http://everybitterthingissweet.com/2012/02/taking-her-from-the-streets/).

Love this quote,

“If your kid came home from an orphanage they are a SURVIVOR. Praise God for their life & help them heal. -- Karyn Purvis

This is something I wish I would have read before we got home with Hope, or a couple of days after. It's written by Melissa Faye Green who wrote the book, There is No Me Without You, about Ethiopian adoption. She had several things listed on her blog about what to do when you get home with your child, and these were a couple of them,

"Put Feelings on a back-burner. This is not the time for Feelings. Live a material life instead: wake, dress, eat, walk. Let your hands and words mother the new child, don't pause to look back, to reflect, or to experience emotions. "Shut up, Emotions," you'll say. "I'll check back with you in six months to see if you've pulled yourselves together. But no whining meanwhile!"

and

"Let yourself off the hook. This is not your fault. You’ve done a grand thing—you’ve gone out into the world in search of a child and, despite every obstacle over tens of thousands of miles, you’ve brought the child home. It's all going to work out in time. Meanwhile, you’re exhausted. This is all really hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. You’re doing fine. Just rest up, find something to laugh about, and give Feelings the month off."

And this wasn't about adoption, but parenting. This is SO easy for me to fall into, spending my day picking up messes and keeping up with chores instead of being intentional with my kids.

"Sin is what happens when our love gets disordered. And it’s never worth disordering the heart to get a right-ordered house.

How is my love ordered? Towards a Better Homes and Gardens House? Or a better, holy, godly heart?

A right-ordered house isn’t virtuous like a right-ordered heart.

It’s true: I could close my eyes to the magma of mess. But the thing is: Love isn’t blind. Love is the holy sight.

Love has the long, real sight, that sees what won’t burn up. Love’s priorities are things unseen. " Ann Voscamp

update

I really need to think of better titles for my posts! Oh well, an update is what it is. :) We have now been with Hope 8 weeks, 7 weeks home. I really can't imagine life without her here, it seems so strange that just a little over 2 months ago she was in Ethiopia, we were here, and she was not a physical part of our lives.

We are adjusting, slowly but surely, some days better than others, but we are adjusting. She is sleeping better, only waking a couple times at night and not needing much to get her back to sleep. She is not hitting nearly as much, the boys or us, and her tantrums have also decreased. She is still not talking, but her sounds are changing, and she looks like she is really trying to talk. The look in her eyes is more earnest, like she is wanting us to know what she means. She is understanding so much more, and will follow simple commands. She is really starting to like her brothers and dad, and smiles at them and follows them everywhere. She has mastered going up the stairs, and is quite sneaky and fast which is slightly terrifying at times! Her eye contact is better, she will hold my gaze and meet my gaze from across the room. She has started giving hugs and kisses willingly again. And she and Isaac have had some sweet moments this last week. It's still hard for him at times, but he has asked her to play with him now once or twice, and has shown more love toward her.

Things for me have been...okay. We have been staying home a lot more which is so good for both her and Isaac really, but harder for me. I feel pretty disconnected from friends, church, etc., and I know it's temporary and truly better for my family, but lonely too at times. And I have still been struggling with fear and doubt. I did realize today however, that no matter what we go through, no matter what the future holds for us, or how many hard days we have ahead, He will be with us. He knows the path our family will take, and not only will He lead us there, He will walk with us through it. I have struggled with feeling like we are doing the right thing in how we are parenting her, and being so worried about going backwards in our progress. I'm afraid of going back to the days right when we brought her home when everything was so hard, and her responses affected my responses, and I was not the mom I wanted or thought I would be. Attachment takes work, it's not always very natural, and sometimes that feels discouraging to me. But the truth is, we are not and never were alone in this process. He will give us wisdom, strength, joy and peace.

This girl, with the deepest eyes and sweetest smiles, is my daughter. She is a blessing, a gift, and when we connect with each other, my heart just can't get enough. I am thankful beyond measure for her, for her place in our family, and for what our family is becoming because of her. She is truly changing us for the better.

valentine's day 2012

*Eli spilled his sparkling grape juice which is funny because he is the kid who always manages to spill his drink and get wet.


*Hope really was here too! She was just running around everywhere. :)


We had a great Valentine's Day! For some reason, I just felt like celebrating it more this year, so I tried to plan a little bit more in advance to try and make it special. And I think it was, I certainly went to bed feeling loved and so thankful for the ones in my house I am blessed to love.

I found this valentine e-book online that you could download for free with fun ideas and recipes. The first thing that caught my eye, was homemade red velvet donuts. They were baked instead of fried, and I could substitute some ingredients to make them at least a little more healthy. :) I made them for breakfast and decorated our table a little. Isaac and I had also made these crayon stained glass hearts to hang up the day before. And my mom had left star wars valentines for the boys when they were here over the weekend, so I put those out too. The boys were excited when they came down for breakfast, and it was a fun start to the day.

I helped out with Micah's valentine's party at school, and on our way home we picked up a heart pizza from Papa Murphy's for supper. Aaron's suggestion was chocolate fondue, so I made that for our dessert. I tried to make the table a little fancier (candles, special glasses, placemats), and put the boys valentine's gifts from us on our plates (what they call "comfy pants", but just athletic pants), and love letters that I had written them. Then we ate! And I read them their letters. That was just as good for me to do I think. To write what I love about them, what makes them special, and then read it to them. Aaron had some little games we played after supper, and then we all watched a little bit of our wedding video. Aaron and I actually got engaged on Valentine's Day 10 years ago. :)

It really turned out to be a fun day. Sometimes when I have expectations for special days, they turn out nothing like I hoped they would. Thankfully this time they did, at least for the most part. :) When we were putting the boys to bed that night Micah asked, "So, when is St. Patrick's Day?" Let's just say we are always up for a party around here!

And in true fashion, I have no pictures of all of my valentine's together. And you should have seen Hope, she was the cutest little valentine ever. I took some of the decorations and food, but not my own children, seriously not sure what my deal is. Actually, I think part of it is that food and decorations don't move, it's easy to take their picture! But, I am definitely going to try and take more pictures, easy or not. :)

18 months

Hope turned 18 months old yesterday, a milestone we are finally together to celebrate! Not that we did celebrate really, but I thought about how I wished I would have gotten my act together to plan something special. Mostly I just enjoyed being with our sweet girl, and thanking the Lord over and over that she is with us.

Here are some stats about Hope at 18 months:

-she weighs 22 pounds, and has moved on from 12-18 month clothes to 18-24
-she loves to eat cream of wheat, bananas, sweet potatoes, apple sauce, any fruit baby food, peanut butter sandwiches, yogurt, and sometimes ground beef (like in meatloaf or lasagna)
-she only takes one bottle now, before bedtime
-she loves to read the book "brown bear, brown bear," and sings along with me when I read it to her (I sing it instead of read it), and we sing it every day at naptime
-she loves to push things, chairs, laundry baskets, stools, shopping carts
-she is great at finding all the drawers and cabinets she shouldn't get into :), we are working on more cabinet locks
-she loves bath time, and i give her one every morning
-she can wave goodbye, wave hello, and sign "all done"
-she is a great mess maker! i have walked into a bathroom filled with toilet paper, a kitchen full of sandwich baggies, and rooms full of laundry and hangers that she has dumped out of laundry baskets
-she gives the sweetest kisses
-she makes car noises when you push her around
-she loves balls
-she loves being outside, so thankful for the unusually nice days we have had lately!
-she likes being right in the middle of noise and chaos, but also wants me close by to check in with
-she has a little blanket that she loves and sleeps with
-she loves to help unload the dishwasher
-she is starting to like being rocked
-we call her "Hopey"
-she is a very busy girl, and hardly ever is in one place or position for very long

Hopey, I am so thankful to know all of these things about you, to hold you and kiss you, and watch you grow. You are a gift to us!