good thoughts

I have come across some great quotes/thoughts lately, and wanted to get them down here. They are about adoption and parenting, and have been so encouraging for me.

This blog post was SO good. About asking the Lord to help you see your child the way He sees them, past all their behaviors, to who they truly are ( http://everybitterthingissweet.com/2012/02/taking-her-from-the-streets/).

Love this quote,

“If your kid came home from an orphanage they are a SURVIVOR. Praise God for their life & help them heal. -- Karyn Purvis

This is something I wish I would have read before we got home with Hope, or a couple of days after. It's written by Melissa Faye Green who wrote the book, There is No Me Without You, about Ethiopian adoption. She had several things listed on her blog about what to do when you get home with your child, and these were a couple of them,

"Put Feelings on a back-burner. This is not the time for Feelings. Live a material life instead: wake, dress, eat, walk. Let your hands and words mother the new child, don't pause to look back, to reflect, or to experience emotions. "Shut up, Emotions," you'll say. "I'll check back with you in six months to see if you've pulled yourselves together. But no whining meanwhile!"

and

"Let yourself off the hook. This is not your fault. You’ve done a grand thing—you’ve gone out into the world in search of a child and, despite every obstacle over tens of thousands of miles, you’ve brought the child home. It's all going to work out in time. Meanwhile, you’re exhausted. This is all really hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. You’re doing fine. Just rest up, find something to laugh about, and give Feelings the month off."

And this wasn't about adoption, but parenting. This is SO easy for me to fall into, spending my day picking up messes and keeping up with chores instead of being intentional with my kids.

"Sin is what happens when our love gets disordered. And it’s never worth disordering the heart to get a right-ordered house.

How is my love ordered? Towards a Better Homes and Gardens House? Or a better, holy, godly heart?

A right-ordered house isn’t virtuous like a right-ordered heart.

It’s true: I could close my eyes to the magma of mess. But the thing is: Love isn’t blind. Love is the holy sight.

Love has the long, real sight, that sees what won’t burn up. Love’s priorities are things unseen. " Ann Voscamp

update

I really need to think of better titles for my posts! Oh well, an update is what it is. :) We have now been with Hope 8 weeks, 7 weeks home. I really can't imagine life without her here, it seems so strange that just a little over 2 months ago she was in Ethiopia, we were here, and she was not a physical part of our lives.

We are adjusting, slowly but surely, some days better than others, but we are adjusting. She is sleeping better, only waking a couple times at night and not needing much to get her back to sleep. She is not hitting nearly as much, the boys or us, and her tantrums have also decreased. She is still not talking, but her sounds are changing, and she looks like she is really trying to talk. The look in her eyes is more earnest, like she is wanting us to know what she means. She is understanding so much more, and will follow simple commands. She is really starting to like her brothers and dad, and smiles at them and follows them everywhere. She has mastered going up the stairs, and is quite sneaky and fast which is slightly terrifying at times! Her eye contact is better, she will hold my gaze and meet my gaze from across the room. She has started giving hugs and kisses willingly again. And she and Isaac have had some sweet moments this last week. It's still hard for him at times, but he has asked her to play with him now once or twice, and has shown more love toward her.

Things for me have been...okay. We have been staying home a lot more which is so good for both her and Isaac really, but harder for me. I feel pretty disconnected from friends, church, etc., and I know it's temporary and truly better for my family, but lonely too at times. And I have still been struggling with fear and doubt. I did realize today however, that no matter what we go through, no matter what the future holds for us, or how many hard days we have ahead, He will be with us. He knows the path our family will take, and not only will He lead us there, He will walk with us through it. I have struggled with feeling like we are doing the right thing in how we are parenting her, and being so worried about going backwards in our progress. I'm afraid of going back to the days right when we brought her home when everything was so hard, and her responses affected my responses, and I was not the mom I wanted or thought I would be. Attachment takes work, it's not always very natural, and sometimes that feels discouraging to me. But the truth is, we are not and never were alone in this process. He will give us wisdom, strength, joy and peace.

This girl, with the deepest eyes and sweetest smiles, is my daughter. She is a blessing, a gift, and when we connect with each other, my heart just can't get enough. I am thankful beyond measure for her, for her place in our family, and for what our family is becoming because of her. She is truly changing us for the better.

valentine's day 2012

*Eli spilled his sparkling grape juice which is funny because he is the kid who always manages to spill his drink and get wet.


*Hope really was here too! She was just running around everywhere. :)


We had a great Valentine's Day! For some reason, I just felt like celebrating it more this year, so I tried to plan a little bit more in advance to try and make it special. And I think it was, I certainly went to bed feeling loved and so thankful for the ones in my house I am blessed to love.

I found this valentine e-book online that you could download for free with fun ideas and recipes. The first thing that caught my eye, was homemade red velvet donuts. They were baked instead of fried, and I could substitute some ingredients to make them at least a little more healthy. :) I made them for breakfast and decorated our table a little. Isaac and I had also made these crayon stained glass hearts to hang up the day before. And my mom had left star wars valentines for the boys when they were here over the weekend, so I put those out too. The boys were excited when they came down for breakfast, and it was a fun start to the day.

I helped out with Micah's valentine's party at school, and on our way home we picked up a heart pizza from Papa Murphy's for supper. Aaron's suggestion was chocolate fondue, so I made that for our dessert. I tried to make the table a little fancier (candles, special glasses, placemats), and put the boys valentine's gifts from us on our plates (what they call "comfy pants", but just athletic pants), and love letters that I had written them. Then we ate! And I read them their letters. That was just as good for me to do I think. To write what I love about them, what makes them special, and then read it to them. Aaron had some little games we played after supper, and then we all watched a little bit of our wedding video. Aaron and I actually got engaged on Valentine's Day 10 years ago. :)

It really turned out to be a fun day. Sometimes when I have expectations for special days, they turn out nothing like I hoped they would. Thankfully this time they did, at least for the most part. :) When we were putting the boys to bed that night Micah asked, "So, when is St. Patrick's Day?" Let's just say we are always up for a party around here!

And in true fashion, I have no pictures of all of my valentine's together. And you should have seen Hope, she was the cutest little valentine ever. I took some of the decorations and food, but not my own children, seriously not sure what my deal is. Actually, I think part of it is that food and decorations don't move, it's easy to take their picture! But, I am definitely going to try and take more pictures, easy or not. :)

18 months

Hope turned 18 months old yesterday, a milestone we are finally together to celebrate! Not that we did celebrate really, but I thought about how I wished I would have gotten my act together to plan something special. Mostly I just enjoyed being with our sweet girl, and thanking the Lord over and over that she is with us.

Here are some stats about Hope at 18 months:

-she weighs 22 pounds, and has moved on from 12-18 month clothes to 18-24
-she loves to eat cream of wheat, bananas, sweet potatoes, apple sauce, any fruit baby food, peanut butter sandwiches, yogurt, and sometimes ground beef (like in meatloaf or lasagna)
-she only takes one bottle now, before bedtime
-she loves to read the book "brown bear, brown bear," and sings along with me when I read it to her (I sing it instead of read it), and we sing it every day at naptime
-she loves to push things, chairs, laundry baskets, stools, shopping carts
-she is great at finding all the drawers and cabinets she shouldn't get into :), we are working on more cabinet locks
-she loves bath time, and i give her one every morning
-she can wave goodbye, wave hello, and sign "all done"
-she is a great mess maker! i have walked into a bathroom filled with toilet paper, a kitchen full of sandwich baggies, and rooms full of laundry and hangers that she has dumped out of laundry baskets
-she gives the sweetest kisses
-she makes car noises when you push her around
-she loves balls
-she loves being outside, so thankful for the unusually nice days we have had lately!
-she likes being right in the middle of noise and chaos, but also wants me close by to check in with
-she has a little blanket that she loves and sleeps with
-she loves to help unload the dishwasher
-she is starting to like being rocked
-we call her "Hopey"
-she is a very busy girl, and hardly ever is in one place or position for very long

Hopey, I am so thankful to know all of these things about you, to hold you and kiss you, and watch you grow. You are a gift to us!

one month

Tomorrow will mark one month that we have been with our girl. I'm not sure how it has already been a month, yet I distinctly remember feeling like the first two weeks were the longest of my life. :) I feel like we are really starting to settle in, all of us. Hope has been doing so well, she really rolls with the punches, and not too much seems to faze her. She has slept the last 4 nights without needing us to come into her room, and has taken good naps every day. Her eating seems like it is getting better too, like she is willing to try a few more textures. We have had few more outings, although not too many. I am kind of a homebody at heart, so I really haven't minded being home, and actually think I may need to be a little more intentional about getting out and introducing her to more people and places.

The boys are doing great, we definitely had more meltdowns and emotions those first two weeks, but those have seemed to decrease. Isaac now has a "love" jar for Hope; he gets to add rocks to it when he is kind, patient, gentle, etc., but also has to remove one if he is not. He has struggled the most, understandably, and I pray everyday that I would see and understand how to meet the needs of my kids, especially when they seem to be struggling. Hopefully this will help, that and more one on one time. Actually, they all need more of that, and Aaron and I have talked a little bit about what that will look like. Micah has named himself the "Hope Helper", and is so quick to try and do just that. Both he and Eli are so sweet with her, and she is the first thing on their minds when they get up or have been gone. They also love to pick out her clothes, but I have to say that is a little harder for me to give up because I love doing that too! :)

*So in typical fashion, I started this several days ago, and am just now getting if finished. I am so thankful it is Saturday, that we don't have a schedule, and that everyone is home together. The rest of the week was more challenging for us, getting along as a family, sleeping, etc.

We took Hope to get her blood drawn yesterday for a bunch of tests, and it was pretty traumatic. We probably would have waited even longer to go, but our doctor wanted to make sure we didn't need to start treating her for anything. Anyway, we went to Children's hospital, and Hope had to be stuck at least 6 times. Her veins kept blowing, whatever that means, so they had to stop and try in another spot. Needless to say, she HATED it, and fought and screamed pretty hard the whole time. So hard to see your kids in pain, but after it was done she was totally fine, smiling and just wanting to walk around and explore everywhere.

And eventually I will get more pictures posted. We are basically the worst picture takers of all time, so hopefully we will start doing a better job of that!

Well, yesterday marked our first day in the "real world" as my mom headed back to Oklahoma. When I think for a bit about her time with us (and every time she has come when I have had a baby), it just amazes me. Somehow she manages to serve us (cooking, cleaning, laundry, help with boys) every day all day, and actually makes us feel like we are doing her a favor by letting her be there! I think that really is the true nature of a servant, someone who serves completely unselfishly, but never lets on through their words or attitude or actions that they feel like they are serving. So amazing, and I am so thankful.

And, overall yesterday went well. Aaron took the boys to school, so Isaac, Hope and I spent the day at home, and then left in the afternoon to pick up Eli and Micah. We are in the car a long time, about an hour I think, but she did great. As long as I kept a steady supply of animal crackers coming her way. :) And then last night Aaron had a visitation and viewing for his sweet Grandaddy who passed away last Sunday, so it was the 5 of us, and I'm happy to report that everyone was in bed by 8:00. Actually Hope was in bed around 7:20 or so, she started to melt down big time around 7. At one point the boys were all just staring at her as she laid on the floor face first and screamed because I decided to sit on the floor instead of the couch. :)

There are definitely things that are better this week with our transition, and definitely things we are still trying to figure out. Hope will drink from a sippy cup now, and the last two days she has gone down for a nap without crying and standing back up when I put her down. She is also doing much better with the boys, but she really wants to be the one who sets the boundaries on their relationship. She prefers to initiate things with them, as opposed to being a bit manhandled, and really, who can blame her? :) But, she likes to be where they are, and follows them all over the house. Today for the first time since we have been home I felt like she likes us and is happy to be here. Her eyes are different when she looks at me, more open like a guard has been taken down. And she is smiling so much more. And sleeping better too, hooray! At least last night she slept all night, so thankful.

And my heart is also doing so much better. I was thinking about the "ugliness" that I have seen in myself, and how actually in a way I am thankful for it. I'm not sure I would have even known it was there, it was buried so deeply and truly something I have not experienced before, but now that I know it is there I can submit it and ask the Lord to change and redeem it. I am so aware of how much I need Him, how very limited my own abilities and strength are, and how truly "desperately wicked" the condition of my heart is without the grace of God. I'm definitely not done dealing with it, I was thinking today I so wish my response to her or really anyone was the same regardless of their actions toward me, that my love for others was truly unconditional. And that that unconditional love would dictate my actions, and not my feelings in the moment. Lifelong lessons I have a feeling, but by His grace...

processing

There has been a lot happening in our house the last few days. And in us. Some of it is lovely and fun, some of it is confusing and frustrating, and some of it is harsh and ugly. I have dealt with more emotions than I will ever be comfortable with, my poor husband and mom can testify to that! I think what has taken me so off guard, is that I have felt and continue to feel off and on, anything less than complete and utter joy and thankfulness that our girl is home. I definitely have felt that, but I have also felt other things too that I don't like, don't want, and don't really know what to do with.

I remember reading other families updates when they got home with their kids, and reading that adjusting was really hard. I just wanted to be at that point though, I felt ready to be at that hard place instead of the hard place we were in. Well, we are here, and it is hard. :) I have come to understand more and more that attachment is truly a two-way street. I knew that going in, but it's hard to really understand until you are in it. And it has nothing to do with her. Intellectually I completely understand why sleeping is hard for her, why she doesn't want to eat what I make for her, or drink from a sippy cup. I understand why she doesn't yet love her brothers they way they love her, or why she only wants me. But my feelings don't always match what I know in my head to be true. What I feel is that it's hard to give up control to a 17 month old who has behaviors that my boys never did, and parent her in a completely different way than we did our boys, at least for now. I have seen my pride and selfishness raise their ugly heads and try to take over again and again. You know you always hear that becoming a parent shows how sinful you are, well try adopting and it brings it to a whole new level. I have been journaling daily my prayers to the Lord, and they usually start with, "Lord, I am sorry for..."

Colossians 3:12-14 have become my mantra all throughout the day;
"Therefore as God's chosen people holy and dearly loved clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against each other. Forgive as the Lord forgave you, and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

And I am thankful. I in no way want to be someone who looks for the hard parts of life. Our girl is home, and that is a huge deal! It's a dream fulfilled and hundreds of prayers answered. I think it's okay though to be honest about what we are going through too. I did make a quick list of prayers the Lord has answered, certainly not all of them, but I wanted to take some time and just be thankful.

1. She is HOME!!!
2. Aaron and I were a great team in Ethiopia.
3. All our luggage made it with us, there and back.
4. We didn't get sick while in Ethiopia
5. Our boys did great at home
6. No one else got the stomach flu (Micah got it the night before we left)
7. Hope attached to me right away
8. We were able to stay in the guest house we wanted to the whole trip (we thought we were going to have to go somewhere else for one night)
9. Hope slept several hours on the flights home
10. She did not get sick on the way home
11. Aaron finally felt better when we landed in Omaha (he got the stomach flu on our flight from Frankfurt to Chicago, and was sick until we landed at home)
12. Hope finally started to like the baby food I brought (lifesaver for the flights home)
13. She is eating great
14. She takes a nap every day
15. She goes to sleep easily
16. She is happy
17. She has not gotten sick
18. We were able to get to the dr. right away and get some meds for her to get rid of a parasite, before she got sick
19. My mom is here to help us
20. We have amazing friends and family who have prayed, and are praying for us
21. Eli and Micah love her
22. Isaac played with her today
23. She loves baths
24. She doesn't mind her highchair/ carseat
25. She can wear all the clothes we had for her
26. She is affectionate
27. She loves Aaron, and smiles at him all the time
28. She is not overly fearful