tangled

We actually did get an update yesterday. Our caseworker called Aaron (I think she may have needed a break from me and my emotions!), and he told me when he got home from work. So, what we thought would be pretty simple for the judge to do, actually has become WAY more complicated. Our case is reminding me of a tangled necklace, you get one knot undone, and only to find out that one is connected to another one and another one. Basically, the embassy needs the judge to confirm that the birthparents know their rights have been terminated. Only, it doesn't say that anywhere in our paperwork, so the judge said she can't do that. So, she wants the birthparents to come to Addis and appear before her, and basically say they know their rights have been terminated. What is complicated, other than the fact that her birthparents are in an area 8-9 hours away, is that it may not even be legal for them to travel right now. If they can't travel, our agency will have to see if they can appear before a judge in their town. And this only makes it possible for us to be re-submitted to the embassy, who just last month sent 60 cases to Nairobi Kenya to be investigated (in all of last year they only sent 10).

I don't think it's an accident that just yesterday I wrote about praying for God to move in a big way in our case. I don't even know what to pray for at this point, other than for God to do what only He can do, and for Him to show His power. I was also thinking more about the church in Acts 12 that was praying for Peter, and wondering what their prayers were like. I wonder what they were praying for, and guess that praying for an angel to come down in bodily form and remove Peter's chains, lead him through the prison, and unlock the gate was probably beyond what they could even imagine! But, that is what God does. He is unexpected, and does things beyond what we could ever dream.

I also had a picture in my mind last night as I was trying to fall asleep of what I feel like doing. I feel like closing off from everyone and just laying down, giving up. But then I thought about how in that position, alone and with all my defenses down, how vulnerable I would be to Satan's attacks. He wants me discouraged, defeated and alone. But, if I put on the armor of God-truth, righteousness, faith, God's Word, and surround myself with others who are doing the same, suddenly we are an army, ready to stand.

I thought too, that this whole situation and really our entire case, just sets the stage for God to show His greatness. There is truly no situation too impossible for Him to work, and that is what I am praying for. For His greatness to be known.

epiphany

Well, not much to say as far as an update goes. We are still waiting at this point for the judge to change our paperwork so we can be re-submitted to the embassy. And we thought this was supposed to be the "easy" part of the steps we have ahead of us! There are a lot of battles going on inside me, the temptation to give in to discouragement, despair, and doubt are just right there. But, I am holding on to Him. Or, probably more accurately, He is holding on to me. He is reminding me of His faithfulness, His power, His presence.

Yesterday at Bible study, our teaching leader was going through 2 Timothy 2, and this is what I heard: (I kept half-expecting her to turn to just me and say, okay Mary this is for you!)

Endure Hardship
Remember
Our strength is in Christ Jesus, it is His strength not ours
When we are faithless, He will remain faithful

And last night at bedtime I was reading the boys their Bible story (which 9 times out of 10 Aaron does), and it was about the Israelites crossing the Red Sea with Moses. There were a couple questions at the end which said,
"Did you ever think God made a mistake or could have done something better? God never makes a mistake. Ask for his wisdom and understanding when you think something is wrong. When you're in trouble, what is the best way out? Start with the Lord! Ask Him to help you. He may not make a path through the sea for you, but He will help you in the way that's best."

And then this morning I read in Streams in the Desert, about when Peter was in prison, and the angel came and led him out. He went to a house where many of his friends were gathered praying for him, and they were so shocked he was there they forgot to let him inside! Acts 12 :5 "All the time that Peter was under heavy guard in the jailhouse, the church prayed for him most strenuously."

Last Saturday, Aaron came up to me and said he had something he wanted to share with me, that He felt like was from the Lord. He said he knew I had been struggling with doubt about whether we should have even started this process with all the roadblocks we have faced. And that if God knew about the investigation our agency would go through, the changes that MOWA would implement, and the greater scrutiny the embassy would give adoption cases, that He must have known Hope would need a family who would stick with her. So, instead of looking at our situation and feeling like maybe we shouldn't have even done this, looking at it and thinking God chose us for her because we would not give up. I don't know why He thinks we can handle this, I feel like I have failed so miserably and my faith has been so weak, but maybe, just maybe (and by that I mean definitely) His plans and purposes are so far beyond what I can comprehend or imagine. I do think that was the Lord speaking through my husband, because I have heard that before from other loved ones in our life, but this time, I heard it.

I have felt lately a feeling of acceptance for what we are going through, and instead of trying so hard to get out of it, praying instead for God to show me how we wants me to act, and pray in it. I have been praying for His guidance as we continue on this journey. And right now, I am feeling led to pray for God to move in a major way. For Him to make a way through the sea where there is no way, for Him to clear the path that is before us, and do what only He can do in this adoption. He can do it, there is nothing too great or impossible for Him, and I believe in that power. Would you pray with us? Pray for our paperwork to be completed, translated perfectly and resubmitted to the embassy? And then would you pray that we are cleared with no additional steps? That in itself would be a miracle, but totally and completely possible through the Lord and His power.

poem

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit;
I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

My mom sent me this poem, and its messages has really resonated with me. I feel like I have gone through all of those cycles, probably will again, but for now through the Lord's strength am accepting what we are going through. I have peace beneath the heaviness and uncomfortableness that comes with going through something hard, and believe that God is faithful and good.

The judge has said she hopes to get to our case early next week (although I think the keyword here is "hopes" :) ), and then when she changes what needs to be changed we will be resubmitted to the embassy. We are praying that everything will be in order, and there will be no more delays, but even more than that, for God's will to be done.

fighting, take 2

*just a warning, this is super long

I haven't talked about adoption stuff for a while. I think the big reason for that is because I have gone through yet another cycle of confusion, disappointment, etc., and really separated myself from all of it. Like majorly separated myself, where I really wasn't feeling anything at all about it. I even wrote a post talking about how disconnected I felt and how I really just wasn't feeling anything, but ended up not finishing it. What I realized, am realizing, is I can choose to stay in this with every part of me, or I can check out. Checking out is a relief. It is a relief to not feel the turmoil and discomfort of knowing every minute a part of your family is not with you, and you don't really know when she will be. It's a relief to not be worried about the days that are slipping by and turning into months, and the milestones you both are missing. It's a relief not to think about how she is getting older, more attached and connected to her life there, and much harder things will be when she is forced to make that change. So, yeah, it felt good to not be consumed with this process, where we are, and where we aren't.
But, in doing that, in letting go and checking out, I let go of the hope I have in Christ. I let go of Him, and allowed some bitterness to take root. He showed me this last week, the day after my birthday. On my birthday, Aaron and I had prayed together about the courts reopening the next day, and the potential for things to happen again. I had a GREAT birthday, felt so loved, and really spoiled. That night when we got back from our movie, we had an e-mail from our agency talking about how the embassy has been sending more and more cases to Nairobi for investigations, and there were some families from our agency that this had happened to. This was such a blow to me, and I felt like that would definitely happen to us as well, just with all that has happened up to this point. (It hasn't happened at this point, we are still waiting for our paperwork to be changed, and resubmitted to the embassy.) So I went to bed, mad, frustrated, and confused. And bitter. The next morning, the boys were all home from school, and were playing together, and I felt like I needed some time with the Lord. So I grabbed my journal and Bible, and started writing. This is what I wrote:
"Lord, I am confused. And I think I may be harboring bitterness. Another hurdle? Another potential delay? On my birthday? On the day we prayed together about moving forward after being on hold for weeks? Why? Why us? Why yesterday? I know I'm not supposed to ask that question, but that is what I am feeling. I'm feeling ignored. Am I missing something? Am I not doing something right? Did we choose the wrong agency? Did we walk where you did not lead? I don't know what to think, do or pray. And I'm feeling like I need confirmation from You that we are where You want us. I'm afraid to ask though, because I'm afraid You won't respond and will reject me. But, I'm asking now. I'm asking for You to reveal Yourself to me, to allow me to know we are supposed to be in this adoption. Because right now, it sure doesn't feel like it. And I know I have some hardness in my heart toward You. Some anger. Because I now who You are, and what You can do. Am I so absorbed in myself that I can't even see what's true anymore? Lord, do I just need a breakthrough? Show me. Show me my sin so I can confess it. Show me Yourself, Your faithfulness and goodness. Lord, I confess my anger, my pride, my unfaithfulness, defiance, stubbornness, and doubt. I confess my selfishness and bitterness and know-it-all attitude. I confess trusting in men instead of You. I confess going through the motions. I confess putting myself first time and time again. I confess liking the sound of my own voice more than really hearing what others have to say.
Father, release me. From these chains of doubt and bitterness, and anxiety. Lead me through Your Word, and prayer, and my husband. I am so weak. Help me to see what You want me to see. Lead us. Remind me.
I think I started putting things between us when our adoption began to get hard. First it was a short fence, then a 6ft privacy one. Then came the bricks and mortar and stones, and pretty soon there was a wall. A big and strong wall with me on one side and You on the other. I did that. I separated us because of my disappointment. I blamed You.
I am taking down the wall!!! I am taking a sledge hammer and pounding it down. But if I do it alone, it won't come down. Help me . Help me overcome through the power of Christ in me and His power. Your power."
After I wrote that, I asked Him where I should turn in my Bible, and Psalm 37 came to mind. I won't write out the whole thing, but here are some of the phrases that just jumped out to me, "trust in the Lord,
commit your way to the Lord,
be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him,
do not fret,
refrain from anger and turn from wrath,
do not fret,
If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand
will not forsake His faithful ones
wait for the Lord
the salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble."

All of that to say, today I am choosing to be ALL IN. I got an e-mail from another mom who adopted a little guy, and she said, " the best parenting I can do for my child is to struggle (emotionally, with paperwork etc...) with all Christ's strength for her." That is all I can do right now, but I am going to do it. I am going to struggle for her, and fight for her. Not that I won't struggle with the same things again, like probably next week, but today, this is where I am.

scenes from fall break

*Isaac writing "happy birthday" for me :)

*LEGO creations (Eli and Micah pooled their chore money and bought a
LEGO set

*evidence of three very busy little boys!

*making pumpkin cookies, a tradition started when I was in elementary school

*corn maze at Vala's pumpkin patch, we took the short route :)

*children's museum in Kansas City, and three veterinarians we met there



*walking around the Plaza in Kansas City, before Eli fell in one of the
fountains

*after Eli fell in the fountain and Aaron and I trying to cheer him up about the fact
that he and daddy matched, not working so well!

*T-rex Cafe in Kansas City, such a fun place!

*playing with their toy souvenir Aaron and I let them pick out at a toy store, a
highlight for all of us!

*what's one of the best parts of staying in a hotel? eating breakfast and watching
cartoons :)

*the only thing better than eating and watching cartoons? Swimming!

*obligatory family picture. I'm pretty sure there were some major bribes/threats
going on at this point for normal (or any) smiles.

Eli and Micah had a break from school last week (Wednesday-Friday), and it was so great. I loved having them home so much, and tried to plan some fun things to do. Friday Aaron took off from work and we made a quick one-night trip to Kansas City. I just feel so thankful to the Lord for the blessing of my family, and the opportunity to spend some sweet time together. Not that every moment was sweet, by no means, but even in the midst of the not so sweet, we have so very much to be thankful for.

fall easter eggs

These pictures are not long lost ones from Easter, they are actually from last week! Apparently when you are three and go to a yard sale with your dad, the thing you cannot leave without is an egg dyeing kit. Isaac was SO excited about his find, and could hardly wait until Monday when we took our weekly grocery trip and could buy some eggs. I boiled them when we got home, and then we decorated them just the way he decided. I just love that little guy. :)

micah's yard sale, take 2

We did it! And we made more than $20 which I consider a great accomplishment. Our grand total was $149.00, which may not be that great in the world of yard sales, but it is WAY more than I thought we would make. We prayed for the sale at breakfast, Micah told us he prayed in his bed before he woke up, and when we started kind of slow he prayed again. I think God totally answered his prayers, which is so fun. After our second customer, and our total at that point was $3.25, Micah leaned over to me with a big smile, and said, "Things are going really well!" That is what I love about being 5 years old. Whether you make a sale of .25 or $25, you are excited just because you made a sale!

I'm not sure how our neighbors felt about it, since Micah yelled "Yard Sale" about 300 times at 8:00 in the morning. Needless to say, none of them were customers. But, we had fun (our biggest goal), sold some stuff (finally got rid of this cabinet that had become the bane of my existence), and made some money too. Micah was there pretty much all 6 hours, greeting people when they walked up, selling cookies ("you can get 2 for .25!), and recording sales. We aren't sure yet what we will do our earnings, but Micah will for sure be a big part of that decision. Right now we are thinking of giving some to Micah, giving some away, and maybe using some for a family day when the boys have a break from school.

Thanks buddy, for sticking with your idea and not giving up when your parents tried to talk you out of it, we love you!!