red wagons and white flowers

So, yesterday did not start out well. It was one of those days that you wake up just feeling off. Maybe you had a weird dream, maybe you missed your alarm and didn't make it to the gym, maybe you are a bit more hormonal than normal, whatever the reason, you wake up with a little black cloud above your head. Well, that was me, and to top it off we had to take our van into the shop, meaning the boys and I were stuck at home all day. I have no problem being home, I like it actually, but there is a definite difference between choosing to stay home and being forced to stay home. It was also really windy, (I detest the wind), so in my mind going on a walk or to the park was also out of the question. I'm sure the boys pick up on my moods, and are affected by them, so they seemed a little out of sorts too. Picking on each other, following me around, lots of whining, etc. I decided we needed an activity to make the endless morning go a little faster, and chose to make cookies. This is something that tests my patience on good days, so I'm not really sure why I decided to attempt it yesterday, but I did. The four of us were all crammed into the corner of the kitchen, each trying to find a spot on about 12 inches of countertop. At one point all three boys were on one chair, pushing, crying, and falling. We finally figured out placement for everyone, and I frantically started making the cookies with little arms and fingers shooting out all over the place. Finally the cookies were made and the mess cleaned up, and it was still only 10:00! So, out the door we went for some fresh air and space to move without tripping all over each other. That actually was just what everyone needed, and the boys were soon enthralled with their daily bug hunting and digging. A few minutes later I hear them say, "Mom, don't come over here yet, we are making a surprise for you." Oh great, basically that can be interpreted as, "Mom, don't come over here because we are making you a surprise that will actually be more like a huge mess for you to clean up!" But I thought, we are outside, and virtually any mess can be cleaned up, and for crying out loud they are playing on their own, so I left them be. Pretty soon I was summoned to see the surprise, so I tried to sound excited as I said, "I'm coming!", all the time dreading what I would find when I turned the corner. Well, I come around the corner and there they are, both grinning from ear to ear standing in front of their red wagon. There is no mess that I can see, and then they lift up the seat of the wagon which they have filled with these little white flowers. They filled a wagon with flowers for me! I literally had to sit down I was so surprised. Here I was super annoyed thinking about the mess I was going to have to clean up, and how this was just adding to the terrible day I was having, and they had actually thought about what I would like and took time to make something so sweet. They had thought about me! I just heard a speaker at a women's event talk about how as a mom you feel kind of invisible. There are just things you are expected to do, and no one thanks you or acknowledges that you have done them, they just expect they will be done. Well, I guess I felt noticed by my boys, and that was enough to literally turn the day around for me. It was like a rainbow appeared through my black cloud, and I was able to refocus on the multitude of things I have to be thankful for. Which I know sounds so pathetic, but I tell you what, these little guys have my heart, and when they are able to give back to me just a little, it actually ends up meaning a whole lot. All because of a red wagon full of white flowers!

brothers

I have been enjoying watching my three boys interact more and more together. Isaac still gets left in the dust constantly, but he seemed to have been born trying to catch up to his brothers in every way. And I am predicting he will outweigh them in the not too distant future! He adores them and just wants to do everything they do. Today we were all outside enjoying an amazing spring day and Eli and Micah were running races. They love to race, inside, outside, anywhere, and Isaac has been doing his best to race with them for a couple of months now. After they had run several races Eli and Micah plopped down to take a rest and I watched as Isaac came up right beside Micah and sat down. He looked over at Micah, who was fiddling with his shoes, and Isaac started fiddling with his shoes. Then Micah folded his hands in his lap, and Isaac looked over and did the exact same thing. And he kept glancing over at Micah to make sure he was still doing the same thing Micah was doing. Then Micah jumped up and announced something, and sure enough, Isaac jumped up and announced the same thing, in his cute little voice. I just about died, my heart actually hurt I though it was so cute!
Eli and Micah have also picked up on the fact that Isaac will repeat anything they say. We were in the car yesterday and I hear from the back, "Isaac, say Great Big Poop, say Great Big Poop, Isaac!" And sure enough, Isaac's little voice pipes up, "Great Bid Poop!", and the three of them burst out laughing. And as totally inappropriate as it was, it was pretty funny. Either that or I have been around too many boys for way too long!

My 2 are 4!!

Happy Birthday Eli and Micah! I seriously cannot believe you are 4, that seems so grown up and big! I can still remember with crystal clarity every part of my pregnancy with you as well as your grand entrance into the world.
The night after you were born I laid both of you side by side in front of me on a pillow and just gazed at you. You were finally here and my dreams of being a mom had come true. You were tiny and perfect and sweet, and I just could not get enough of you.
Your dad and I discovered that this birthday was a pretty big deal to you. You remembered from last year things we had done and you really understood that it was your birthday and all that entails. You were so excited about the decorations we put up and gave us big hugs when you came downstairs that morning and saw them. You also were excited about being able to plan your birthday menu for the day: Chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for breakfast, corn-dogs, Cheetos, and lemonade for lunch, and pizza for supper. We invited some family over to have some spiderman cake with us after supper which made you feel very special.

Micah, I just want you to know I love you so very much. You have an infectious laugh and sparkle in your eyes that I just love to see. You are so interested in how things work and love asking questions. You are friendly and kind and have an amazing imagination. I love hearing what is on your mind and you have stumped me more than once with your questions and thoughts. Micah you have such a sweet heart and I love your hugs.

Eli, you are such a special boy. I love your easy laugh and how you love to joke around. I love to cuddle with you and watch you run and jump around. You have the greatest facial expressions and it is never hard to tell what you are feeling! Eli, I love watching you play with Isaac and read books to him. You are so funny and already have a great sense of humor. You also love to help me and your dad.

I love that both of you love bugs, dirt, and adventures, as well as books and music. I love your insatiable curiosity and your hilarious honesty. You both have kept your dad and I on our toes since you were born and given us some great stories to tell! I love you so very much and there is no where in the world I would rather be than home with you everyday.

busy

This has been a crazy month, and it has flown by. Aaron is in Haiti right now with a team from our church and the boys and I are in Oklahoma (woo hoo!). Between all of his trip preparations, (he also is leading the team) we also celebrated Eli and Micah's 4th birthday. And before that Aaron and I got to go to a Weekend to Remember conference, which was awesome. And before that, we found out some news about our adoption.
Not the "call everyone you know because it is so great news," more like the "wow, that was unexpected news." We found out a couple of weeks ago that the Ethiopian government changed their regulation about traveling and now we will need to make two trips to Ethiopia. The first one for our court date over there after we accept the referral, and the second one when we travel to pick up our daughter.
Our agency has done a great job keeping us as updated as possible as well as preparing us from the beginning for the up and down journey that is international adoption. I am not altogether sure why the rule was changed, but I am definitely in support of anything that is for the best interests of the children and for their benefit. And I am thankful that we have several months to plan and prepare for this change. I know there are families who have been waiting 7 months and could get their referral any day who now have weeks to get things ready.
On a happier adoption note, I have been gathering things here and there for Hope. I found a super cute rug on major clearance from Target that I am planning on using in her room. And a couple of people have given us little girl clothes which has been so fun! I can already tell we are going to have some issues in that department, girl clothes are just so stinkin cute!!! I also found a little ornament around Christmas time of a little black angel, super sweet. And I think the last item I have is matching bracelets for Hope and I from another family raising money for their adoption. I know we have many months ahead of us, and I am prepared for a long wait, but doing little things to prepare for her makes her seem closer and keeps her right in the front of my mind and heart.

Aaaaah!

Yesterday, as we were eating dinner I asked Eli what he had been learning on his leapster. I had let both he and Micah play them a little bit before dinner. He said he learned about the letter A and that it made the sound, aah (as in the short sound for A). Then I asked him what other things started with the letter A. He started with alligator, which I praised him for, and then he said, "and scream." I said no, scream does not start with A. And he replied, "Yes it does mom, Aaaaaaaaah, scream, see?" Get it? :)

We have been having 40+ degree weather for the past week, and the boys went out to play today. With all the snow melting, plus rain we got last weekend, our yard is a sodden, muddy mess. But I had played about all of the "hyena game" I could play (basically we pretend we are hyenas, or whatever animals they choose). I just do not enjoy playing pretend. There I said it. Give me just about any boardgame, coloring book, craft project, baking, etc. but please don't make me play pretend. When I was in highschool I babysat this little girl all summer. She was nine and her parents were slightly paranoid, as in they didn't want us to go outside. So, we stayed inside all summer and all she wanted to play was pretend! She was my "dog", and I just about lost my mind. Anyway, so I decided the boys needed some fresh air and excersise and I bundled them up. As they walked out in their snow pants and boots, I thought to myself over and over, "Almost any mess can be cleaned up, it's okay if they are covered in mud, they can all take baths." And as soon as their little feet walked outside they were instantly laying down in the mud, digging in the mud, and splashing in mud puddles. Ah well, just a typical day in the life of boys! At least my boys. :)

Something funny happened this morning. Eli and Micah called me up to their room to show me something. I have no idea how or why they thought of showing me this, I was in my half-paying attention mode as I cleaned up the kitchen so there is a good chance I missed something. Anyway, I follow them up and when we get up there they proceed to show me how they climb on top of their tall vertical dresser and jump off on to Eli's bed below. Yikes! This is apparently something that used to go on during "naptime" according to Micah. How they manage it was pretty interesting to see. They would climb on Eli's bed then leaning from his bed to the dresser they would curl their little toes around the handle of the dresser drawer and take a big step up. Standing on top of the dresser they could touch the ceiling, so they were pretty high. Anyway, I think their guardian angels have been working overtime lately. :)

It has been a very long couple of weeks. My grandpa died Thursday morning surrounded by family, very peacefully, but no less heartbreaklingly. Since his death and the few days leading up to it, our family has spent some sweet time together, remembering, laughing, crying, and trying to figure out what life looks like now that he is gone.

The service for him was so special. His kids spent hours and hours planning and thinking of just the right things to share about him. It really was a time of thanking and praising the Lord for giving us such a wonderful man, and seeing how he gave every area of his life to the Lord. It has also been a time of learning more about him. He was so humble, never one to draw any attention to himself or anything he ever did for anyone else, and there have been many stories that have come out about how he touched people's lives. Even things my grandma never knew about.

For me, the week leading up to his death was incredibly emotional. I could hardly talk or think about him without dissolving into tears. For now I feel like that part may be over, and now I just sort of feel an emptiness. So many conflicting emotions: thankfulness and peace that He is in Heaven with Jesus, but so sad that he is no longer here with us; excitement and joy at being with all of our family, but this empty feeling because he is not here too.

I think I sort of operate out of a "looking forward to what is coming next" attitude. If there is something going on that I am not super excited about or that is hard, I think, "Well, at least I have (fill in the blank) to look forward to." But with grandpa dying, there doesn't seem to be anything to fill in that blank. There doesn't seem to be any good options in thinking about life without him. And maybe that is how it is supposed to be. There really is no one who could or should fill his place, and I really would never want anyone to. It is just plain hard, it hurts, and in reality will never be the same. But in the midst of that the Lord is still here, where He always has been, with us in our pain and heartbreak.

Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

And life somehow marches on. This week the boys have all been taking naps again, hallelujah! I separated Eli and Micah and they have both been sleeping beautifully, (seriously, is that all it took?!) Micah has learned how to jump on one foot, and he can finally say his C's, K's, and G's. He has to hold his little throat to feel the difference between the sound in the front of his mouth and the back of his throat, but he can do it. Isaac is talking more and more, some of my favorites- nump (jump), peas mama, (please mama), ted you (thank you). Eli and Micah have also been super excited about getting some Leapsters (they call them weapsters) from my young cousins with tons of games. And we have thoroughly enjoyed having my parents here for so many sleeps!

Lord, thank you for your goodness to us in the midst of heartache and your promises that are new every morning, GREAT is your faithfulness.