thankful for hope

18 months

2012-01-31T11:58:00.000-08:00

Hope turned 18 months old yesterday, a milestone we are finally together to celebrate! Not that we did celebrate really, but I thought about how I wished I would have gotten my act together to plan something special. Mostly I just enjoyed being with our sweet girl, and thanking the Lord over and over that she is with us.

Here are some stats about Hope at 18 months:

-she weighs 22 pounds, and has moved on from 12-18 month clothes to 18-24
-she loves to eat cream of wheat, bananas, sweet potatoes, apple sauce, any fruit baby food, peanut butter sandwiches, yogurt, and sometimes ground beef (like in meatloaf or lasagna)
-she only takes one bottle now, before bedtime
-she loves to read the book "brown bear, brown bear," and sings along with me when I read it to her (I sing it instead of read it), and we sing it every day at naptime
-she loves to push things, chairs, laundry baskets, stools, shopping carts
-she is great at finding all the drawers and cabinets she shouldn't get into :), we are working on more cabinet locks
-she loves bath time, and i give her one every morning
-she can wave goodbye, wave hello, and sign "all done"
-she is a great mess maker! i have walked into a bathroom filled with toilet paper, a kitchen full of sandwich baggies, and rooms full of laundry and hangers that she has dumped out of laundry baskets
-she gives the sweetest kisses
-she makes car noises when you push her around
-she loves balls
-she loves being outside, so thankful for the unusually nice days we have had lately!
-she likes being right in the middle of noise and chaos, but also wants me close by to check in with
-she has a little blanket that she loves and sleeps with
-she loves to help unload the dishwasher
-she is starting to like being rocked
-we call her "Hopey"
-she is a very busy girl, and hardly ever is in one place or position for very long

Hopey, I am so thankful to know all of these things about you, to hold you and kiss you, and watch you grow. You are a gift to us!

one month

2012-01-24T11:51:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow will mark one month that we have been with our girl. I'm not sure how it has already been a month, yet I distinctly remember feeling like the first two weeks were the longest of my life. :) I feel like we are really starting to settle in, all of us. Hope has been doing so well, she really rolls with the punches, and not too much seems to faze her. She has slept the last 4 nights without needing us to come into her room, and has taken good naps every day. Her eating seems like it is getting better too, like she is willing to try a few more textures. We have had few more outings, although not too many. I am kind of a homebody at heart, so I really haven't minded being home, and actually think I may need to be a little more intentional about getting out and introducing her to more people and places.

The boys are doing great, we definitely had more meltdowns and emotions those first two weeks, but those have seemed to decrease. Isaac now has a "love" jar for Hope; he gets to add rocks to it when he is kind, patient, gentle, etc., but also has to remove one if he is not. He has struggled the most, understandably, and I pray everyday that I would see and understand how to meet the needs of my kids, especially when they seem to be struggling. Hopefully this will help, that and more one on one time. Actually, they all need more of that, and Aaron and I have talked a little bit about what that will look like. Micah has named himself the "Hope Helper", and is so quick to try and do just that. Both he and Eli are so sweet with her, and she is the first thing on their minds when they get up or have been gone. They also love to pick out her clothes, but I have to say that is a little harder for me to give up because I love doing that too! :)

*So in typical fashion, I started this several days ago, and am just now getting if finished. I am so thankful it is Saturday, that we don't have a schedule, and that everyone is home together. The rest of the week was more challenging for us, getting along as a family, sleeping, etc.

We took Hope to get her blood drawn yesterday for a bunch of tests, and it was pretty traumatic. We probably would have waited even longer to go, but our doctor wanted to make sure we didn't need to start treating her for anything. Anyway, we went to Children's hospital, and Hope had to be stuck at least 6 times. Her veins kept blowing, whatever that means, so they had to stop and try in another spot. Needless to say, she HATED it, and fought and screamed pretty hard the whole time. So hard to see your kids in pain, but after it was done she was totally fine, smiling and just wanting to walk around and explore everywhere.

And eventually I will get more pictures posted. We are basically the worst picture takers of all time, so hopefully we will start doing a better job of that!

2012-01-18T05:20:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday marked our first day in the "real world" as my mom headed back to Oklahoma. When I think for a bit about her time with us (and every time she has come when I have had a baby), it just amazes me. Somehow she manages to serve us (cooking, cleaning, laundry, help with boys) every day all day, and actually makes us feel like we are doing her a favor by letting her be there! I think that really is the true nature of a servant, someone who serves completely unselfishly, but never lets on through their words or attitude or actions that they feel like they are serving. So amazing, and I am so thankful.

And, overall yesterday went well. Aaron took the boys to school, so Isaac, Hope and I spent the day at home, and then left in the afternoon to pick up Eli and Micah. We are in the car a long time, about an hour I think, but she did great. As long as I kept a steady supply of animal crackers coming her way. :) And then last night Aaron had a visitation and viewing for his sweet Grandaddy who passed away last Sunday, so it was the 5 of us, and I'm happy to report that everyone was in bed by 8:00. Actually Hope was in bed around 7:20 or so, she started to melt down big time around 7. At one point the boys were all just staring at her as she laid on the floor face first and screamed because I decided to sit on the floor instead of the couch. :)

There are definitely things that are better this week with our transition, and definitely things we are still trying to figure out. Hope will drink from a sippy cup now, and the last two days she has gone down for a nap without crying and standing back up when I put her down. She is also doing much better with the boys, but she really wants to be the one who sets the boundaries on their relationship. She prefers to initiate things with them, as opposed to being a bit manhandled, and really, who can blame her? :) But, she likes to be where they are, and follows them all over the house. Today for the first time since we have been home I felt like she likes us and is happy to be here. Her eyes are different when she looks at me, more open like a guard has been taken down. And she is smiling so much more. And sleeping better too, hooray! At least last night she slept all night, so thankful.

And my heart is also doing so much better. I was thinking about the "ugliness" that I have seen in myself, and how actually in a way I am thankful for it. I'm not sure I would have even known it was there, it was buried so deeply and truly something I have not experienced before, but now that I know it is there I can submit it and ask the Lord to change and redeem it. I am so aware of how much I need Him, how very limited my own abilities and strength are, and how truly "desperately wicked" the condition of my heart is without the grace of God. I'm definitely not done dealing with it, I was thinking today I so wish my response to her or really anyone was the same regardless of their actions toward me, that my love for others was truly unconditional. And that that unconditional love would dictate my actions, and not my feelings in the moment. Lifelong lessons I have a feeling, but by His grace...

processing

2012-01-10T12:05:00.001-08:00

There has been a lot happening in our house the last few days. And in us. Some of it is lovely and fun, some of it is confusing and frustrating, and some of it is harsh and ugly. I have dealt with more emotions than I will ever be comfortable with, my poor husband and mom can testify to that! I think what has taken me so off guard, is that I have felt and continue to feel off and on, anything less than complete and utter joy and thankfulness that our girl is home. I definitely have felt that, but I have also felt other things too that I don't like, don't want, and don't really know what to do with.

I remember reading other families updates when they got home with their kids, and reading that adjusting was really hard. I just wanted to be at that point though, I felt ready to be at that hard place instead of the hard place we were in. Well, we are here, and it is hard. :) I have come to understand more and more that attachment is truly a two-way street. I knew that going in, but it's hard to really understand until you are in it. And it has nothing to do with her. Intellectually I completely understand why sleeping is hard for her, why she doesn't want to eat what I make for her, or drink from a sippy cup. I understand why she doesn't yet love her brothers they way they love her, or why she only wants me. But my feelings don't always match what I know in my head to be true. What I feel is that it's hard to give up control to a 17 month old who has behaviors that my boys never did, and parent her in a completely different way than we did our boys, at least for now. I have seen my pride and selfishness raise their ugly heads and try to take over again and again. You know you always hear that becoming a parent shows how sinful you are, well try adopting and it brings it to a whole new level. I have been journaling daily my prayers to the Lord, and they usually start with, "Lord, I am sorry for..."

Colossians 3:12-14 have become my mantra all throughout the day;
"Therefore as God's chosen people holy and dearly loved clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against each other. Forgive as the Lord forgave you, and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

And I am thankful. I in no way want to be someone who looks for the hard parts of life. Our girl is home, and that is a huge deal! It's a dream fulfilled and hundreds of prayers answered. I think it's okay though to be honest about what we are going through too. I did make a quick list of prayers the Lord has answered, certainly not all of them, but I wanted to take some time and just be thankful.

1. She is HOME!!!
2. Aaron and I were a great team in Ethiopia.
3. All our luggage made it with us, there and back.
4. We didn't get sick while in Ethiopia
5. Our boys did great at home
6. No one else got the stomach flu (Micah got it the night before we left)
7. Hope attached to me right away
8. We were able to stay in the guest house we wanted to the whole trip (we thought we were going to have to go somewhere else for one night)
9. Hope slept several hours on the flights home
10. She did not get sick on the way home
11. Aaron finally felt better when we landed in Omaha (he got the stomach flu on our flight from Frankfurt to Chicago, and was sick until we landed at home)
12. Hope finally started to like the baby food I brought (lifesaver for the flights home)
13. She is eating great
14. She takes a nap every day
15. She goes to sleep easily
16. She is happy
17. She has not gotten sick
18. We were able to get to the dr. right away and get some meds for her to get rid of a parasite, before she got sick
19. My mom is here to help us
20. We have amazing friends and family who have prayed, and are praying for us
21. Eli and Micah love her
22. Isaac played with her today
23. She loves baths
24. She doesn't mind her highchair/ carseat
25. She can wear all the clothes we had for her
26. She is affectionate
27. She loves Aaron, and smiles at him all the time
28. She is not overly fearful

moments

2012-01-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

Today has been a good day. Right now, Hope is sleeping, Isaac is having rest time, and I am having hot chocolate. :) We have had some sweet moments yesterday and today that I want to thank the Lord for. Yesterday afternoon our entire family was on the trampoline, and Hope loved it! Most of the time she sat in my lap, but when she wanted to get up, everyone else had to stand perfectly still so she wouldn't go tumbling too hard. It was so nice to just laugh, and enjoy each other.

*I'm not exactly sure what day I wrote that, but it is now Saturday morning, early. Hope slept all night last night, I can't believe it! She went down around 8, and it's now 5:43 and she is still sleeping. Praise the Lord!

We went to the doctor Wednesday, and he thought she looked great. She has a skin issue that needs medication and also a parasite (that she has zero symptoms for at this point) that also needs meds. She also got 4 shots, which I'm not sure was the best idea, but now she is good for a couple of months. We need to take her at some point and get a bunch of lab work done, but I've heard it's pretty traumatic, so we are waiting a bit on this one. She is also in the 21% for weight, and the 26% for height which is so good!

She is just doing so well. At first I was worried that we were in a honeymoon phase, and things were going to get super hard, and they still might, but I am trying to just enjoy every good day, and celebrate every victory we have. Not borrow trouble, as my mom would say!

She is still eating great, a couple of nights ago we had meatloaf and sweet potatoes, and she chowed down! She really loves to eat, and can eat quite a bit for someone so little. :)

The big boys went back to school Thursday, so it has been QUIET around here. I think she may be a bit relieved by that, they love her so much, but it's a lot for her to take in. She and Isaac have been playing a little bit, they even took a 5 minute bath together until she grabbed his foot which he did NOT appreciate. :) Last night she was crawling all over Eli and Micah while we were trying to watch a movie, but they loved it. That is even an improvement from when we first came home, and she kept her distance.

My mom has been staying with us, such a life-saver! She has been taking the boys to school, making meals, keeping up with laundry, and anything else we need. It is such a huge blessing to really just focus on our family, and because she is here we have been able to do that. The boys are adjusting well, but we have had some hard moments too. And just to have an extra pair of hands to help with basic things has made a big difference.

Aaron has been absolutely incredible. I have been dealing with some emotional stuff I was not expecting or prepared for, and he has been so patient and sweet. He has even taken over getting up with her at night, no complaining or snide comments, just a sincere desire to help. My mom said something along the lines of God giving him extra broad shoulders that can carry a lot, and he really can. He is the most unselfish person I know, and I don't even have the right words to describe how much I love him, and what an amazing gift he is.

2012-01-04T15:08:00.001-08:00

We have been home now 4 days, I have to stop every so often and just remind myself we are really here! We have our daughter home, she is actually sleeping in her bed, she is wearing her clothes, and running after (or away!) from her brothers.

Overall, I would say things are going really well. She seems so adaptable, nothing seems to faze her very much. She still very much prefers me, and will run over to me with a big smile on her face. She has really warmed up to Aaron, and has gone to him willingly a couple of times which is a big deal. Things that I thought would be hard for her, don't really seem to be, like the carseat and highchair. She is eating well, as long as everything is pretty mushy, and sleeping pretty good too. She goes down at night about 8, and usually wakes up a few times in the night, but sometimes will soothe herself back to sleep. I did have to give her a bottle last night around 11, but then she slept until 6 :30. She also takes a nap, right now it has been late morning, for around 2 hours. She still takes bottles, at her foster house they gave her one after every meal, and woke her up at night to give her one too. Right now, that is easiest way to get her to fall asleep, both for naps and if she wakes up at night. She also hasn't had any tummy issues yet.

The boys are really sweet with her. Eli loves to kiss her forehead, he will smooth back her hair and give her kiss after kiss. Micah loves to hold her hand, and Isaac is warming up to her more and more. She seems to like Isaac the most right now, which is sort of funny since he was the one of the three who wasn't so sure about her. :)

It's definitely not all easy though. I have been struggling with worry and fear over wanting to do everything perfectly as far as attachment and bonding go. So much so, that I don't think I have enjoyed just being home with her very much yet. I just keep thinking we have so much ground to make up, we can't take anything for granted. I also haven't really processed through the last 2 weeks, everything happened so incredibly fast, and with quite a bit of stress involved. I have felt worried about the boys too, and not being enough for them with trying to be enough for her. I just feel so incredibly unsure about everything. There is so much we don't know, and I just don't want to do anything that will set us back. It's hard bringing a new little person into your family, especially one who we just don't know very well yet, and who doesn't know us. We are also still jet-lagged, and around 3:30 or 4 in the afternoon, I start longing for sleep.

1 John 4:18-19 has been two verses I have thought a lot about both for me and for Hope, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." I can, and need to experience perfect love because of what Christ has done for me. And I want to offer that kind of love to Hope. Love that is not based on actions, or feelings, but that is unconditional and constant, and there regardless of what she does or doesn't do. I can only offer that to her through Christ working in my own heart, and that is what I am praying He continues to do.

2012-01-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 30

We all woke up this morning in great moods! We had breakfast, Hope decided she did like some of the baby food I brought, and the rice cereal, and then we went to pick up her embassy paperwork. She has an Ethiopian passport, but will become a U.S. citizen as soon as we enter the U.S. Then we went to this jewelery place that sells beautiful handmade bracelets, necklaces, and earrings made by single women with HIV. They make it to earn a living for themselves and their families using old artillery. It is really amazing handiwork, and of course after we left I wished we would have bought more. :)

The rest of the day, we hung out and started packing up. Hope also played a little today with the other little girl at our guest house. It was such a blessing to spend time with this family, and the other couples there, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to have gotten to know them. I felt like overall we had what we needed, thanks to lots of advice and packing lists. Hope never really got sick, so I had a lot more clothes and diapers for her than we needed. And we ended up eating more food from local restaurants than I thought we would, so we had a lot more food too left over too.

Our plane left Friday night at 11:37pm, and we got there around 9:00. Hope had slept about an hour before we left, but was wide awake in the airport. It was so packed! We stood in a lot of lines, but were finally ready to take off. Thankfully for this flight we had the bulkhead seats which we put a bassinet for her to sleep, and she did! She slept about 6 hours or so, and was awake the last hour. We flew to Frankfurt and had about a 5 hour layover there. We tried to get an earlier flight, but would have had to pay a few hundred dollars. It actually wasn't too bad, we got some food, and she basically ran around and played that entire time in a corner of a deserted gate. The next flight however, was pretty excruciating. First of all I thought it was going to be a 6 hour flight, however it was 9. And we were in the way back of the plane in the middle isle, so we were also squished. She slept for about 3 ½ hours or so which was great, but seriously what do yo do for 5 ½ hours with a 17 month old on an airplane?? She ate a lot, walked around the plane, played with her toys, and cried,and we basically repeated that over and over and over again. Oh, and Aaron got the stomach flu on this flight too, so he was pretty much out of commission. I definitely felt some moments of panic thinking, what are we going to do for the next (3,4,5) hours? Anyway, we finally made it to Chicago, and had another 4 hour layover. It was just so good to be off the plane, and so close to home. Aaron was still feeling terrible, so after we went through customs and security, we found our gate and he crashed. Hope was in a great mood, running all over the place and being her cute friendly little self. Finally it was time to board our final flight home. Hope fell asleep and was out the whole flight, and Aaron was so miserable until he threw up again on the airplane, a first for him. :( I can't even describe the relief I was feeling at coming home. I missed my boys incredibly, and had been longing for this day for so long. It did not disappoint. There was a great crowd to greet us, our friends and family have truly been so amazing, and gave us such a wonderful welcome home.

2012-01-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December 29

Well, we had another rough night last night. She did not sleep well at all, so restless and cried throughout the night. We had another nice, quiet day at the guest house. Aaron went out for a while and got a couple of souvenirs, and he and I went to an art gallery just down the alley from the guest house. The art there is amazing, and the artists themselves are there to show you there pieces and talk about them. That was one thing we really wanted to bring home this trip, an Ethiopian painting, and we found one we both really loved. For dinner tonight we went with the other families at the guest house to a traditional Ethiopian restaurant, and left Hope with a caregiver. She did awesome, and went to sleep perfectly for her. I felt both so relieved, totally confused, and a bit of a failure. :) I think she really sleeps better in her own bed. And, the caregiver was actually one from one of her foster care houses, so she felt totally comfortable with her. The dinner was so fun! They had a big buffet of beautiful Ethiopian food, and while we were eating they had musicians, singers, and dancers. We came back and went to bed pretty quickly, expecting Hope to be awake a lot of the night. But, she slept great! She woke up once, I gave her a bottle, put her back in her bed, and she slept until 7:00!!! So exciting!

2012-01-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, December 28

Last night for dinner we went out with two other families to a great restaurant called Island Breeze. The food in Ethiopia is really so good, and they have basically everything, italian, chinese, american, and really good pizza. It was fun to get out for a while and Hope did great. It was our first time riding with her in a car, and they don't have carseats, so I just held her. We also gave her a bath last night, and she didn't love it, but didn't scream too much either. I felt a little more prepared for bedtime, and swaddled her for the first time. It helped me hold her better, and I felt a little more in control. Before, she would flail around everywhere, and I would just have to change positions constantly while trying very hard not to drop her as she tried to launch herself out of my arms. She fought for about 20 minutes with all her strength, but finally fell asleep. I put her in her crib, and she slept about an 1 ½ before waking up. I gave her a bottle and then brought her in our bed where she slept the rest of the night without waking up crying! And she woke up about 5:30, but fell back asleep until 6:30. It was so much better than last night! I'm still not sleeping a ton, because I am just waiting for her to wake up, and I am totally not used to sleeping with a kiddo in our bed, but it was definitely more restful.

This morning we had our embassy appointment at nine which ended up being so easy. I was nervous about it, that they would ask us a bunch of questions, we wouldn't have the right paperwork, etc., but it was so simple. Everyone is in this big room, and when they call your name you go up to this window, sort of like at a bank. The guy there had our file, and had Aaron sign something, had us swear that all our info was correct, and asked us one question about Hope's birthparents. That was it! No more paperwork, or anything, and we can pick up her visa Friday morning. It literally took about 10 minutes. It's funny thinking how much work has to be done and redone, all for an interview that is just minutes long.

After our embassy appointment we went back to her foster care house for a coffee ceremony. We walked into the yard of the house, and all the kids from her room were outside playing. Several of them yelled her name and came up to her and hugged and kissed her. And all the caregivers were so happy to see her. She also has a little friend there, and they were unbelievably cute together. They were laughing, and interacting with each other, you could absolutely tell they were so happy to see one another. Her special mother wasn't there, I guess she is on leave for about 2 weeks, so another caregiver took her and changed her into a traditional Ethiopian dress. We played outside for a while with all the kids, it's funny how some of them are so outgoing and will climb right up into your lap, and others are very shy. Hope seemed totally fine with everything. I really wasn't sure how it would go, if she would be upset about going back, or if she wouldn't want to leave again with us, but she really seemed fine. After a while they took all the kids in to eat lunch, which was interesting to see. There are kids her age, and ones that are older, so the older ones sat at a little table and fed themselves and the younger ones took turns being fed by the caregivers. They fed Hope too, some crackers or cookies mixed with milk and mushed up and a bottle of milk. After she ate we walked over to another house and had the coffee ceremony. There was a girl there who first roasted the coffee beans, then ground them, and then made them into coffee. It was so good, but so strong! She served it in little teacups, and if you kept drinking it, she would refill it for you. I had about 2 ½ cups on an empty stomach, and was a little shaky afterward. :) Again it was a blessing to see the women who have raised Hope and taken care of her. They truly love those kids, and the foster care homes are a peaceful and happy place. At the same time, it was good for me to see that as good as a home like that is, it really isn't a family, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to offer that to Hope.

On the way home, Hope fell asleep in the car which was huge because she has never fallen asleep peacefully with us. She has so far only fallen asleep after fighting with all of her strength. We came back to the guest house and talked to the other families for a while before I decided to try and lay her down for a nap because she was acting tired. I swaddled her again, and she whimpered a bit, but again fell asleep peacefully! I almost cried with relief. I'm not sure if we have turned a corner or not with this, but I am just so thankful that her heart and mind were more trusting of me and she felt more secure. I am praying this only continues and grows!

2012-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 27

The rest of Monday went well. One thing we are learning is that Hope fights sleep with everything in her little body. She fights naps, and she REALLY fights bedtime. Last night we started putting her down around 6:40 or so, and she fought hard for an hour, slept about 45 minutes, woke up screaming and fought it again. The rest of the night she would sleep for 30-60 minutes and just wake up crying so hard, wanting me to hold her, but pushing me away, hitting me, arching her back and use every ounce of energy to keep herself awake. Aaron said last night in the midst of it, that she is a fighter, and she really is! Finally around 3:30am she passed out for good and slept until a little after 7. She only wants me to hold her, so Aaron and I can't really take turns, and I am feeling the exhaustion setting in. When she is awake during the day she is so happy, but she kind of transforms into another little person at night. I just keep praying for strength, grace, and patience.

She also is eating a lot better. She has wanted nothing to do with any of the baby food we brought, so one of the girls who works at the guest house made her some ground chickpeas with injera, and she ate a ton of that! She took a 2 ½ hour nap this morning from 10:30-1:00, after fighting it for about an hour. After having three boys who never had any sleep issues at all, this has definitely been the hardest part so far. I think that either she is grieving, and it comes out at night, or she is afraid. They brought her to us during her nap, so I don't know if she is afraid of falling asleep? Not to mention every other aspect of her life is totally different, so I'm sure is is incredibly insecure.

We are also seeing more of her personality come out, and she is quite the little spit fire! We have had a few tantrums, and discovered she is quite adept at hitting. :) We have spent our days so far at the guesthouse, playing in our room or outside in the yard, or in the living room of the main house. There are three other families staying here too, and one of them picked up their daughter today. She is basically like Hope was her first day, pretty scared and unresponsive. But, hopefully they will have chances to play together later on.

It's been fun to see Hope get a little braver about exploring her world too. The first day she didn't move around much, but today she is everywhere, opening things, putting things in her mouth, and acting more and more just like any other 17 month old.

It's been weird to really have no where to go, or nothing on the agenda except to be with each other. I am so thankful we are getting this time, and praying for the bonding to continue and grow. It's so surreal thinking about where we were even two weeks ago, and so comforting that God knew all along when this next part of our lives would begin. And He is here with us now, in the midst of getting to know our daughter and her getting to know us. It is definitely not an easy process, but it is good.

2012-01-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm going to post about our trip, just so we have a record of it somewhere. I don't want to forget any of these details!

Monday, December 26

It's hard to even know how to start this, but I don't want to forget anything about these last few days. Coming to Ethiopia for the 2^nd time, this time to have our daughter with us, and knowing we will be bringing her home has been so different. Wonderfully different. The stress, and anxiety, the weight of waiting, all that is gone. I don't feel sick to my stomach, and I find myself thinking more about the future again.

The night before we left, Thursday, Micah came down with the stomach flu. He ended up throwing up twice Thursday night, and 2 more times during the night (poor guy didn't even call for us), and when he woke up Friday morning he still looked so sick and felt pretty bad. We had to be at the airport by 11, and needed to drop the boys off first at Aaron's mom's, so we didn't really have much time to make a decision. I didn't feel like I could leave him, he was so sick, and I didn't want anyone else to get sick either, so Aaron called the travel agency. There really weren't any good options for postponing, plus we had our embassy appointment set, and they would be closed until the 27^th. Anyway, we prayed about it, called both of our families, and finally decided we would go. Right after we prayed, my mom called us again, and told us to go. Micah started feeling better, and by the time we left he was fine.

Our trip here was uneventful and long, and thankfully all of our bags made it with us! We arrived Saturday night around 9:30, and met another family who is also staying at the Bejoe guest house with us. We also got to see our driver again from our last trip, Bruke. Sunday we woke up bright and early, and spent the morning talking with the other family staying here. Around 1:30, they brought Hope to us. Bless her heart, she was so scared. And she was sick, and it was right in the middle of her nap time. She whimpered a lot, and I will never forget the look on her face. We held her, rocked her and took her back to our room where she promptly threw up. We both just felt terrible for her. I knew it would be hard for her, but I didn't really understand it until I saw her face. I know what we can give her in terms of a parents and a family is really good, but giving up everything she has and being left with two strangers in a strange place is incredibly traumatic. She finally fell asleep in my arms and I just held her while she slept. When she woke up she seemed better, more calm, and like she felt better too. We sat on the bed, and looked at her book (she had the little photo album we had sent for her birthday, and would not let go of it), and then I showed her another little bear we had brought. We still didn't know if she could walk or not, but all of a sudden she stood up on the bed. I set her on the floor, and she just took off! She has clearly been walking for quite some time! We played in our room for a while, and after a few hours we saw her first smile. She is really quiet, but will definitely let you know if she doesn't like something! Her caregivers had sent a couple different kinds of medicine, something for her throat, and actual little pills she is supposed to take. They look like aspirin, and we have not had much luck in getting her to take those. She fought sleep hard last night, but went down about 8. She woke up crying pretty hard at 9:20, and would not go back in her crib. So, she slept between us last night, she was pretty restless, but went back to sleep easily when she would wake up.

And this morning she woke up happy, and ready to go. She still is not eating much, she won't touch any of the baby food I brought, and is drinking only a little bit of milk. But she is smiling and laughing so much more today, and she gives me so many hugs and snuggles. She isn't as attached to Aaron yet, but we are working on that. Not pushing her, but giving him opportunities to be with her and give her special attention. I just can't believe we are with her, she is unbelievably cute, and I am just so thankful.

home

2012-01-02T04:20:00.000-08:00

"Together is a wonderful place to be." We are home, together, and so, so thankful. :)

whirlwind (but a good one!)

2011-12-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow, it has been a crazy, but wonderful last couple of days! Friday morning I checked e-mail at 5:00am on my way to the gym, and saw the email from Addis Adoption with the subject, Clearance-Shawl. (Yes, they did spell our name wrong!) I sucked in my breath, opened it and read the words I have been hoping to read for so many months, YOU ARE CLEARED TO COME FOR YOUR VISA INTERVIEW!!!! Aauugghh! I started crying and laughing, ran upstairs and woke up Aaron, ran back downstairs and re-read it over and over. Aaron came down pretty quickly after that, I did not make it to the gym, and we just sat there, overwhelmed and feeling like we were in a dream.

Then we started looking at plane tickets, talking about when we could leave, and thanking and praising the Lord for such a wonderful gift. It appears that the embassy has openings for interviews right away, like next week, but we need to confirm a time with them which we are hoping to do on Monday. Right now we are thinking tentatively about leaving Sunday, Christmas day, and being there about a week. I haven't allowed myself to really think about this step for so long, or prepare for it at all, so Aaron and I are both feeling a little overwhelmed about this next week. My response to everything apparently is to do the things that are of least importance, like planning her outfits, while Aaron's response is to do nothing while continually lamenting about how much he has to do. We are quite the pair right now! :) But so, so, so thankful for the Lord leading us to this next step, and praying for His continued guidance and wisdom.

I have also been so thankful for the many friends and family around us who have walked with us through this process. One good friend of mine brought a "celebration lunch" over on Friday, and it was especially sweet because she was the same friend who brought dinner over after we got back from our first trip. It was so great to celebrate with her this time with tears of joy instead of sorrow. And there are so many others who have prayed for us faithfully, listened, spoken words of encouragement and wisdom, and truly helped us carry this burden. I know we are beginning a whole new stage of this journey, that may well be even harder than what we have gone through already, but I just can't wait to tell Hope all about everyone who has loved her before ever knowing her.

unsettled

2011-12-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

This week has both dragged and flown by at the same time, and I find myself just wishing it was over. We did hear from the embassy Tuesday morning; what I like to call the "no response, response." Monday night I slept terribly. Every dream I had was about hearing from the embassy, and most of the time what we heard back from them wasn't good, or what we were hoping to hear. I tossed and turned until my alarm finally went off, and I hurried downstairs to check my e-mail. The embassy sends their responses early, early in the morning so I knew if we were going to hear anything today it would already be in my inbox. There was nothing in mine, but I checked Aaron's too, and they had sent a response to him. It was basically that they had our file and were reviewing it, and to give them 5 business days before contacting them again. (Which I did think to myself, really?? It's not like this is something I ordered online, and am waiting to have delivered. This is my child! Why wouldn't I contact you every day all day until you give me an answer?! Not really sure what we are going to do, but that's was just my first thought. :) )

I have to say, it was kind of a downer. I have been trying so hard not to get ahead of myself, not to get my hopes up, and really giving everything to the Lord continually. But, I realized I am not a robot. Just because I want to do something in a certain way, or feel or not feel something, I am human. My heart and my emotions are real, and while I can and need to submit my thoughts and feelings to Christ, I don't really know how to stop them from coming. And I don't think I need to beat myself up for struggling with them. It's an opportunity for surrender. I think I'm just a little scared of going back to that dark place in my heart that was SO HARD. Where I felt alone, and forgotten, and disappointed so much of the time. The Lord has done a lot in my heart, and has brought me out of that into a new place of trust with Him. But, I am not done struggling with those feelings, and honestly probably won't ever be! I am weary, and so is Aaron, but I know that means His grace and strength are greater.

This morning I read this, "The word trust is the heart word of faith. It is the Old Testament word, the word given to the early and infant stage of faith. The word faith expresses more the act of the will, the word belief the act of the mind or intellect, but trust is the language of the heart. The other has reference, more to a truth believed or a thing expected. Trust implies more than this, it sees and feels and leans upon a person, a great, true, living heart of love. So let us 'trust also in him,' through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, in the face of all the denials, notwithstanding all the seemings, even when we cannot understand the way, and know not the issue; still 'trust also in him, and he will bring it to pass.' The way will open, the right issue will come, the end will be peace, the cloud will be lifted, and the light of eternal noonday shall shine at last."

2011-12-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

As hard as these last few months have been in terms of our adoption, one blessing I have loved is getting to know my littlest in a whole new way, just he and I. I have loved spending my days with him, he is truly my buddy! I have learned things about his personality I didn't know before, and I just love being the expert about him. Not in a prideful way, but more in a way that happens naturally through spending so much time one on one.

Today he informed me he didn't want to have rest time, but that he just wanted to, "hang out with you mom." He really likes to be near me, not having to necessarily interact with me all the time, but just be close by. He is so different from his brothers, a little hard to figure out sometimes, and truly gives the best hugs and kisses of anyone I know. I have been more mindful lately of really trying to soak in my time with him, because Lord willing, it is coming to an end soon. I think I may miss it more than I realize.

catching up

2011-12-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

Isaac trying to barricade himself from my parents dog, Bo

ANDY!!!

I have gotten so far behind with blogging! And then when I think about how far behind I am, I lose all motivation to try to start catching up. But, I just decided, I'll start where we are today, and if I feel like writing about what we have been up to the last few weeks I will.

So, adoption update first. We heard right before Thanksgiving that the judge who had initially requested that Hope's parents come to Addis, decided she could change the paperwork without seeing them. Yay! This was good news, way less complicated than all that would be involved in them making the trip. And, we just heard yesterday all the documents are translated and ready to go and will be submitted to the embassy on Monday. This is a tentative Yay!; sometimes not knowing what is going to happen is more comforting than knowing bad news. We really don't know what the embassy will do, but are praying ultimately for the Lord's will to be done, whatever that is. Of course I would LOVE to be cleared and have our visa interview so we can bring her home, but the truth is I don't know what is best. I can't see the future, and how everything works together, and am trusting in the Lord who does know all those things.

We have been doing good as a family too. We were able to spend a few days with my brother Andy who came home for his two-week leave from Afghanistan in Oklahoma with the rest of my family. So thankful for that time together, and so thankful for a family who really loves to be together.

We also decorated the tree Monday, and Tuesday morning the boys all woke up requesting "Christmas breakfasts." There were tears and moans when I informed them all we had was Grape Nuts and Uncle Sam's. :)

tangled

2011-11-03T03:43:00.001-07:00

We actually did get an update yesterday. Our caseworker called Aaron (I think she may have needed a break from me and my emotions!), and he told me when he got home from work. So, what we thought would be pretty simple for the judge to do, actually has become WAY more complicated. Our case is reminding me of a tangled necklace, you get one knot undone, and only to find out that one is connected to another one and another one. Basically, the embassy needs the judge to confirm that the birthparents know their rights have been terminated. Only, it doesn't say that anywhere in our paperwork, so the judge said she can't do that. So, she wants the birthparents to come to Addis and appear before her, and basically say they know their rights have been terminated. What is complicated, other than the fact that her birthparents are in an area 8-9 hours away, is that it may not even be legal for them to travel right now. If they can't travel, our agency will have to see if they can appear before a judge in their town. And this only makes it possible for us to be re-submitted to the embassy, who just last month sent 60 cases to Nairobi Kenya to be investigated (in all of last year they only sent 10).

I don't think it's an accident that just yesterday I wrote about praying for God to move in a big way in our case. I don't even know what to pray for at this point, other than for God to do what only He can do, and for Him to show His power. I was also thinking more about the church in Acts 12 that was praying for Peter, and wondering what their prayers were like. I wonder what they were praying for, and guess that praying for an angel to come down in bodily form and remove Peter's chains, lead him through the prison, and unlock the gate was probably beyond what they could even imagine! But, that is what God does. He is unexpected, and does things beyond what we could ever dream.

I also had a picture in my mind last night as I was trying to fall asleep of what I feel like doing. I feel like closing off from everyone and just laying down, giving up. But then I thought about how in that position, alone and with all my defenses down, how vulnerable I would be to Satan's attacks. He wants me discouraged, defeated and alone. But, if I put on the armor of God-truth, righteousness, faith, God's Word, and surround myself with others who are doing the same, suddenly we are an army, ready to stand.

I thought too, that this whole situation and really our entire case, just sets the stage for God to show His greatness. There is truly no situation too impossible for Him to work, and that is what I am praying for. For His greatness to be known.

epiphany

2011-11-02T06:58:00.000-07:00

Well, not much to say as far as an update goes. We are still waiting at this point for the judge to change our paperwork so we can be re-submitted to the embassy. And we thought this was supposed to be the "easy" part of the steps we have ahead of us! There are a lot of battles going on inside me, the temptation to give in to discouragement, despair, and doubt are just right there. But, I am holding on to Him. Or, probably more accurately, He is holding on to me. He is reminding me of His faithfulness, His power, His presence.

Yesterday at Bible study, our teaching leader was going through 2 Timothy 2, and this is what I heard: (I kept half-expecting her to turn to just me and say, okay Mary this is for you!)

Endure Hardship
Remember
Our strength is in Christ Jesus, it is His strength not ours
When we are faithless, He will remain faithful

And last night at bedtime I was reading the boys their Bible story (which 9 times out of 10 Aaron does), and it was about the Israelites crossing the Red Sea with Moses. There were a couple questions at the end which said,
"Did you ever think God made a mistake or could have done something better? God never makes a mistake. Ask for his wisdom and understanding when you think something is wrong. When you're in trouble, what is the best way out? Start with the Lord! Ask Him to help you. He may not make a path through the sea for you, but He will help you in the way that's best."

And then this morning I read in Streams in the Desert, about when Peter was in prison, and the angel came and led him out. He went to a house where many of his friends were gathered praying for him, and they were so shocked he was there they forgot to let him inside! Acts 12 :5 "All the time that Peter was under heavy guard in the jailhouse, the church prayed for him most strenuously."

Last Saturday, Aaron came up to me and said he had something he wanted to share with me, that He felt like was from the Lord. He said he knew I had been struggling with doubt about whether we should have even started this process with all the roadblocks we have faced. And that if God knew about the investigation our agency would go through, the changes that MOWA would implement, and the greater scrutiny the embassy would give adoption cases, that He must have known Hope would need a family who would stick with her. So, instead of looking at our situation and feeling like maybe we shouldn't have even done this, looking at it and thinking God chose us for her because we would not give up. I don't know why He thinks we can handle this, I feel like I have failed so miserably and my faith has been so weak, but maybe, just maybe (and by that I mean definitely) His plans and purposes are so far beyond what I can comprehend or imagine. I do think that was the Lord speaking through my husband, because I have heard that before from other loved ones in our life, but this time, I heard it.

I have felt lately a feeling of acceptance for what we are going through, and instead of trying so hard to get out of it, praying instead for God to show me how we wants me to act, and pray in it. I have been praying for His guidance as we continue on this journey. And right now, I am feeling led to pray for God to move in a major way. For Him to make a way through the sea where there is no way, for Him to clear the path that is before us, and do what only He can do in this adoption. He can do it, there is nothing too great or impossible for Him, and I believe in that power. Would you pray with us? Pray for our paperwork to be completed, translated perfectly and resubmitted to the embassy? And then would you pray that we are cleared with no additional steps? That in itself would be a miracle, but totally and completely possible through the Lord and His power.

poem

2011-10-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit;
I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

My mom sent me this poem, and its messages has really resonated with me. I feel like I have gone through all of those cycles, probably will again, but for now through the Lord's strength am accepting what we are going through. I have peace beneath the heaviness and uncomfortableness that comes with going through something hard, and believe that God is faithful and good.

The judge has said she hopes to get to our case early next week (although I think the keyword here is "hopes" :) ), and then when she changes what needs to be changed we will be resubmitted to the embassy. We are praying that everything will be in order, and there will be no more delays, but even more than that, for God's will to be done.

fighting, take 2

2011-10-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

*just a warning, this is super long

I haven't talked about adoption stuff for a while. I think the big reason for that is because I have gone through yet another cycle of confusion, disappointment, etc., and really separated myself from all of it. Like majorly separated myself, where I really wasn't feeling anything at all about it. I even wrote a post talking about how disconnected I felt and how I really just wasn't feeling anything, but ended up not finishing it. What I realized, am realizing, is I can choose to stay in this with every part of me, or I can check out. Checking out is a relief. It is a relief to not feel the turmoil and discomfort of knowing every minute a part of your family is not with you, and you don't really know when she will be. It's a relief to not be worried about the days that are slipping by and turning into months, and the milestones you both are missing. It's a relief not to think about how she is getting older, more attached and connected to her life there, and much harder things will be when she is forced to make that change. So, yeah, it felt good to not be consumed with this process, where we are, and where we aren't.
But, in doing that, in letting go and checking out, I let go of the hope I have in Christ. I let go of Him, and allowed some bitterness to take root. He showed me this last week, the day after my birthday. On my birthday, Aaron and I had prayed together about the courts reopening the next day, and the potential for things to happen again. I had a GREAT birthday, felt so loved, and really spoiled. That night when we got back from our movie, we had an e-mail from our agency talking about how the embassy has been sending more and more cases to Nairobi for investigations, and there were some families from our agency that this had happened to. This was such a blow to me, and I felt like that would definitely happen to us as well, just with all that has happened up to this point. (It hasn't happened at this point, we are still waiting for our paperwork to be changed, and resubmitted to the embassy.) So I went to bed, mad, frustrated, and confused. And bitter. The next morning, the boys were all home from school, and were playing together, and I felt like I needed some time with the Lord. So I grabbed my journal and Bible, and started writing. This is what I wrote:
"Lord, I am confused. And I think I may be harboring bitterness. Another hurdle? Another potential delay? On my birthday? On the day we prayed together about moving forward after being on hold for weeks? Why? Why us? Why yesterday? I know I'm not supposed to ask that question, but that is what I am feeling. I'm feeling ignored. Am I missing something? Am I not doing something right? Did we choose the wrong agency? Did we walk where you did not lead? I don't know what to think, do or pray. And I'm feeling like I need confirmation from You that we are where You want us. I'm afraid to ask though, because I'm afraid You won't respond and will reject me. But, I'm asking now. I'm asking for You to reveal Yourself to me, to allow me to know we are supposed to be in this adoption. Because right now, it sure doesn't feel like it. And I know I have some hardness in my heart toward You. Some anger. Because I now who You are, and what You can do. Am I so absorbed in myself that I can't even see what's true anymore? Lord, do I just need a breakthrough? Show me. Show me my sin so I can confess it. Show me Yourself, Your faithfulness and goodness. Lord, I confess my anger, my pride, my unfaithfulness, defiance, stubbornness, and doubt. I confess my selfishness and bitterness and know-it-all attitude. I confess trusting in men instead of You. I confess going through the motions. I confess putting myself first time and time again. I confess liking the sound of my own voice more than really hearing what others have to say.
Father, release me. From these chains of doubt and bitterness, and anxiety. Lead me through Your Word, and prayer, and my husband. I am so weak. Help me to see what You want me to see. Lead us. Remind me.
I think I started putting things between us when our adoption began to get hard. First it was a short fence, then a 6ft privacy one. Then came the bricks and mortar and stones, and pretty soon there was a wall. A big and strong wall with me on one side and You on the other. I did that. I separated us because of my disappointment. I blamed You.
I am taking down the wall!!! I am taking a sledge hammer and pounding it down. But if I do it alone, it won't come down. Help me . Help me overcome through the power of Christ in me and His power. Your power."
After I wrote that, I asked Him where I should turn in my Bible, and Psalm 37 came to mind. I won't write out the whole thing, but here are some of the phrases that just jumped out to me, "trust in the Lord,
commit your way to the Lord,
be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him,
do not fret,
refrain from anger and turn from wrath,
do not fret,
If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand
will not forsake His faithful ones
wait for the Lord
the salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble."

All of that to say, today I am choosing to be ALL IN. I got an e-mail from another mom who adopted a little guy, and she said, " the best parenting I can do for my child is to struggle (emotionally, with paperwork etc...) with all Christ's strength for her." That is all I can do right now, but I am going to do it. I am going to struggle for her, and fight for her. Not that I won't struggle with the same things again, like probably next week, but today, this is where I am.

scenes from fall break

2011-10-17T09:26:00.001-07:00

*Isaac writing "happy birthday" for me :)

*LEGO creations (Eli and Micah pooled their chore money and bought a
LEGO set

*evidence of three very busy little boys!

*making pumpkin cookies, a tradition started when I was in elementary school

*corn maze at Vala's pumpkin patch, we took the short route :)

*children's museum in Kansas City, and three veterinarians we met there

*walking around the Plaza in Kansas City, before Eli fell in one of the
fountains

*after Eli fell in the fountain and Aaron and I trying to cheer him up about the fact
that he and daddy matched, not working so well!

*T-rex Cafe in Kansas City, such a fun place!

*playing with their toy souvenir Aaron and I let them pick out at a toy store, a
highlight for all of us!

*what's one of the best parts of staying in a hotel? eating breakfast and watching
cartoons :)

*the only thing better than eating and watching cartoons? Swimming!

*obligatory family picture. I'm pretty sure there were some major bribes/threats
going on at this point for normal (or any) smiles.

Eli and Micah had a break from school last week (Wednesday-Friday), and it was so great. I loved having them home so much, and tried to plan some fun things to do. Friday Aaron took off from work and we made a quick one-night trip to Kansas City. I just feel so thankful to the Lord for the blessing of my family, and the opportunity to spend some sweet time together. Not that every moment was sweet, by no means, but even in the midst of the not so sweet, we have so very much to be thankful for.

fall easter eggs

2011-10-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

These pictures are not long lost ones from Easter, they are actually from last week! Apparently when you are three and go to a yard sale with your dad, the thing you cannot leave without is an egg dyeing kit. Isaac was SO excited about his find, and could hardly wait until Monday when we took our weekly grocery trip and could buy some eggs. I boiled them when we got home, and then we decorated them just the way he decided. I just love that little guy. :)

micah's yard sale, take 2

2011-10-01T13:50:00.001-07:00

We did it! And we made more than $20 which I consider a great accomplishment. Our grand total was $149.00, which may not be that great in the world of yard sales, but it is WAY more than I thought we would make. We prayed for the sale at breakfast, Micah told us he prayed in his bed before he woke up, and when we started kind of slow he prayed again. I think God totally answered his prayers, which is so fun. After our second customer, and our total at that point was $3.25, Micah leaned over to me with a big smile, and said, "Things are going really well!" That is what I love about being 5 years old. Whether you make a sale of .25 or $25, you are excited just because you made a sale!

I'm not sure how our neighbors felt about it, since Micah yelled "Yard Sale" about 300 times at 8:00 in the morning. Needless to say, none of them were customers. But, we had fun (our biggest goal), sold some stuff (finally got rid of this cabinet that had become the bane of my existence), and made some money too. Micah was there pretty much all 6 hours, greeting people when they walked up, selling cookies ("you can get 2 for .25!), and recording sales. We aren't sure yet what we will do our earnings, but Micah will for sure be a big part of that decision. Right now we are thinking of giving some to Micah, giving some away, and maybe using some for a family day when the boys have a break from school.

Thanks buddy, for sticking with your idea and not giving up when your parents tried to talk you out of it, we love you!!

micah's yard sale

2011-09-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

Micah has been wanting to have a yard sale for months. There seemed to be enough distractions during the summer that he would forget about it, but last Saturday he was determined. He got a big plastic bin from the basement and started collecting things to sell. And then he found some old yard sale stickers and started pricing things. I think Aaron and I realized we were going to have to do something. Either tell him he couldn't have one, or help him out a little and just do it. We live on a busy street, but not exactly a kid-friendly one where people will stop just because there are cute kids selling stuff. But, neither one of us wanted to squash his initiative or creativity, and really for one day that we would be home anyway, it's not that big of a deal. I had to let go of my expectations of having a grand yard sale with tons of stuff, and plenty of advertising, and realize that it really doesn't have to be perfect. So, I started collecting some things too, we realized we could put our craigslist stuff out there, and we just might have enough for an actual yard sale. At least now people might actually stop to check it out. It's actually a bit disturbing to think you don't really have anything to sell, and then suddenly your guest room is full. So, we are having a yard sale tomorrow! Now all three boys are so excited, I find myself baking cookies and buying apple cider for them to sell too, and an evening of pricing and sign making lies ahead of us.

Hopefully, no matter how it goes, Micah will have fun, and feel valued. And it will definitely be a memory! :)

this and that

2011-09-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

* This is hard to see, but it's one of Eli's pictures. The content may be a bit questionable (a building with spikes covering one side, and spike covered machine guns on the other, but I love his attention to detail!

*The boys were outside one day, and kept running inside for paper, crayons, and tape. I discovered later their handiwork. Those would be bridges for the ants, you know, because ants need a lot of help getting around. :)

The days sure are slipping by quickly lately! Here we are at the end of September. I don't have too much to share, just some odds and ends about life lately.

-I made a pear pie this week to share with our neighbors who came over for dinner. The unfortunate part of that is, only Aaron and I like it, and I am the one who is home all day. Those odds are not in my favor.

-The boys had See You At the Pole today at their elementary school. I was pretty unsure how it would go, as these are elementary kids and unable to really lead things on their own, but was pleasantly surprised at how many kids were there, and their participation. A great friend of mine who also has a son there said something along the lines of it being the first step for them in making a stand for Christ. And she is right.

-I have been struggling with motivation lately. Motivation to do any projects (I have painting projects, and other things to get ready to sell on Craigslist), but find myself doing virtually nothing during the afternoon when Isaac is napping. Why is it that it takes so much work to get into good habits and be productive, but ridiculously easy to be lazy?? Maybe it is just my personality, but I am giving myself lots of excuses lately.

-All three boys are really loving AWANA. I think Eli and Micah especially. They are in Sparks, and basically ask every day if it is Sparks night.

-Speaking of Eli and Micah, they are doing great with school. Micah was recognized (over the intercom no less) for showing support for his classmate by seeing his lunchbox and bringing it back to their class. I guess it's the little things, right? :) He also got a little certificate from his music teacher for having an especially great singing voice. Nana would be so proud! And Eli has been drawing up a storm. Every day he comes home with a picture he started at school, and spends tons of time at home adding very careful details. I also let them get hot lunch at school for the first time this week, which they LOVED. I am still trying to figure out how to handle homework and the tests they have. I don't want to put too much pressure on them (hello, kindergarten), but want them to feel good about they know, and not stressed out. So far they are doing fine, I guess we'll just keep playing it by ear?

-Haven't heard anything yet this week about adoption stuff, but am feeling peaceful. Thankful for that.

dream

2011-09-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

Every so often I will have a dream about Hope. Sometimes she is home with us, sometimes we are over there with her, sometimes she is older, sometimes she is a baby. Last night she seemed to be her actual age, just coming out of being a baby, but not quite a toddler. I'm not sure where we were, but it was like we had been gone from her for a while. Someone handed her to me (I think it was maybe her caregivers?), and she wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder, and just held on to me. It was like she knew we had been gone, and now we were back and she just wanted to hold on. Oh, how I long for that day. For her to know the security and comfort of a mom and dad, who are there every day, who belong to her and she to us.

Sometime next week an appeal will be written and delivered to the sitting judge, asking her to change what the embassy is asking to be changed in our paperwork. Since the courts are closed, she is not required to change it, so I'm really not sure how great the chances are that she will. If she agrees, it will take few days to get that changed and resubmitted, and then we wait to hear back again from the embassy. They could come back again with more changes, or requests (so frustrating that they don't just tell you everything at once!), or we could receive our clearance. If the judge refuses the appeal, we will wait until October 10 or some day close to that when the courts reopen, and basically go through the same thing. I feel like I have let go of expectations again, and am as ready as I can be for whatever the news may be. If I have learned anything this process it is to hold expectations with an open hand, but hold on to the truths and promises, and character of Christ with clenched fists!

when the answer is no

2011-09-20T14:18:00.001-07:00

The meeting between our agency rep and the embassy happened today, and the embassy is insisting the paperwork is changed before they will give us clearance. There is one more option our agency is going to check into this week, but more than likely we will be waiting until the courts reopen in October to resubmit our paperwork again. I'm sad, but okay and peaceful. Is this the news we have been praying and hoping for? No. Is God still good and sovereign? Yes.

I listened to one of my dad's sermons Sunday after seeing it mentioned on another friend's blog about 1 Peter 5:5-7. It was so good in so many ways, but he asked three questions referencing the verse about casting our cares on the Lord. They were, 1)Who knows more about your situation? 2)Who cares more about your situation? and 3) Who can do more about your situation? Those questions have been running over and over through my mind, as well as the thought that having an anxious heart is really having a prideful heart. I have also thought that this entire journey is first of all about God's glory. It's His story that we are so thankful to be a part of. And then it is Hope's story, and if there are ways that it can be more complete and full, and answer the many questions she will have someday then I want that for her. We are last, our timeline, and expectations are the least important component here. They are a big deal to me, I think it's okay to grieve when things don't happen as I hope they will, but then I need to move on. Keep fighting for her until she is home, but move on from what I think things should look like. So that is what I am trying to do, press harder into Christ and WHO He is, fight harder through prayer for Hope, and move forward. Teeny, tiny step by step.

tired

2011-09-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard for me to know how honest to be on this blog. I know how easily things can be misunderstood, and I think my pride gets in the way of that often. I also want to mostly look back and remember the good things about this time of life. But, at least for today, I am going to put those things aside, and share what I am feeling right now.

I am tired. I am tired of being in this adoption process. I am tired of having either no news or bad news to share when people ask, and then both of us feeling awkward and not knowing what to say after I share. I am tired of feeling like God has forgotten us, and that the opposite of what we are praying for keeps happening. I am tired of not being able to plan ahead, of not knowing when we will be back in Ethiopia, and the next stage will begin. I am tired of thinking we will have a daughter in one stage of development (infant), and then having to adjust to a new stage (toddler). I am tired of taking clothes out of her closet that she has already outgrown (3 times now.) I am tired of thinking we would be in this process for 18 months, only to be in it still at 25 months, and counting. I am tired of seeing dates come and go that I never dreamed we would be passing without her. I am tired of potentially being near the end, only to have another roadblock in our path. I am tired of struggling with the same issues, over, and over, and over. I am tired of trying to think of positive ways to describe what we are going through. The truth? It sucks right now.

So that is a little window into what my heart is feeling now. It seems to want to hold on so tightly to discouragement and bitterness and self-pity. And what a slippery slope the three of those guys can be! You know what though, despite the fact that I feel this way, and sometimes act on those feelings, the truth is that God is still there. He will not and does not change, despite what I feel and do and say. He can take this ugliness from me, and still love me the same. There is some tremendous hope and peace there. I don't have to be perfect and deal with all of this perfectly, I think what I need to do is remember. Remember what He has done, and how far He has brought us. Remember His words, His promises, and His character. I can be honest with the hard stuff, but I need to be honest too about the great stuff He has done.

I am thankful for the chance to know and pray for a little face for 13 1/2 months, before she is even home.
I am thankful for plenty of transition time for all of us with school starting.
I am thankful for a heightened sense of being intentional with my boys.
I am thankful for many days of sweet time with Isaac.
I am thankful for the chance to grow with my husband through this, and see our relationship deepen.
I am thankful for a growing awareness of the bigger picture of adoption, and the hurdles that are there in every stage of the process.
I am thankful for the chance to pray for other families in this process, see them bring home their kids, and share in this with them.
I am thankful for the opportunity to experience God's presence and grace in ways I never have before.

I have sort of distanced myself a bit from it all again. I am feeling peaceful, but like I just need a bit of a break from the heaviness of it all. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to let it be for a while. Which is sort of ironic being that right now, we need prayer more than ever. We heard again from the embassy, and they rejected our paperwork again. This time they want something added to a court decree, but that can't happen right now because the court are closed for the rainy season and won't reopen until the middle of October. There will be a meeting sometime next week (tuesday, wednesday, or thursday) between an embassy official and a representative from our agency to decide if there are any other options. This was pretty crushing news for me, and since then I have been struggling with discouragement. A lot. Aaron and I are praying that the course that the embassy is on in terms of our case will be changed, that they will give us clearance. That God will throw open the doors that seem to be closed so we can bring our girl home.

*We also have the most amazing support system through our family and friends, God has used them over and over to remind us of His love. I know they are also playing a huge role through prayer in bringing Hope home too. I do not take that for granted, and feel terrible when I feel the way I do now, in terms of not wanting to talk much or reach out. So, thank you to everyone who prays for us and our sweet girl, we really couldn't do this without you!

littlest

2011-09-14T08:47:00.001-07:00

Although he is not so little anymore, I think I will always think of Isaac as my littlest. And, I have been enjoying so much my time at home with just him. He is funny, inquisitive, cuddly, and really just so easy. He will play on his own, without any prompting, for long stretches of time; especially if I am close by. He loves to help me too, make granola, find things, put things away, etc. And he loves it when we have errands to run. I can't believe how much easier it is to go places with just one kid! I actually enjoy it, and can think about what I am doing at the same time!

Sometimes we do some "school" together, which he just eats up. I think he would do page after page all day long. We sort of have a routine down together now. Monday we go grocery shopping, but just about every other day we come home from taking Eli and Micah to school, and he watches a show of his choosing (a pretty big deal when you are the youngest), and I finish cleaning up the kitchen from the whirlwind of breakfast and rushing out the door. Then we play together until lunchtime, and after lunch he goes down for a nap. Our days are simple, and quiet, and fun!

I am really trying to live in each day while we wait for more adoption answers, and just be thankful for where we are. I remember before we passed court, how I longed to be where we are right now. I thought, if we could just pass court I would be so content. HA! That lasted all of 3 weeks. It really is just a reflection of my heart I guess, and how my true contentment and joy are found in Christ alone. As these days (that feel like weeks) stretch on, I want and need to fight my feelings of discouragement and sadness with the truth of who Christ is and His power that can move mountains, both in Ethiopia and the ones in my heart.

one year

2011-09-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, at around 3:30 in the afternoon we got the referral for Hope Bezualem. She was tiny, only 6 weeks, with huge dark eyes. It was so surreal, seeing the face you have prayed for and dreamed about for so long, and a moment I will truly never forget. A little like finding out you are pregnant! This year has been one of the hardest I have experienced, the tension between having absolutely zero control over something you care about with every fiber in your being. I hope I have grown in ways that are good, I think I have. But, I have also found myself struggling with many of the same things over and over. Bottom line, I believe in God's goodness and trustworthiness, and am thankful for where He has led us. I don't necessarily feel that way every moment of every day, but that is what I hold on to, and eventually end up.

Our embassy paperwork hasn't been resubmitted yet, but hopefully sometime next week. Our agency wanted to get some more info together about Hope's family, just in case the embassy requests it. I am praying the embassy's questions will be satisfied with all the work that has already been done to bring us to this point, and we will be cleared next week. Resolution Lord, please let it be soon!

still fighting

2011-09-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well, we heard from the embassy early Friday morning, and it wasn't what we had been hoping for. In fact, after reading what they had to say, I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Basically, they are questioning Hope's status as an orphan, something that has already been carefully and thoroughly researched and confirmed. It's almost as if the embassy missed entire pages of our paperwork that would clarify what they are questioning, which I guess is a good possibility. So, now our agency will resubmit some of our paperwork that they missed with a letter of explanation, and we wait again to see if they will accept it. I understand that they are only trying to do their job, and I knew something like this was fairly likely to happen, but it has been a huge wake up call for me that we are not done fighting for our girl.

Passing court was such a tremendous relief, and I sort of thought we were done with all the hard parts. Now we would just wait a few more weeks, but not with the heaviness and anxiousness I had been feeling. I knew things could happen with the embassy, they can even request their own investigation, but for some reason I just wasn't as concerned. Not that we are ever supposed to worry about things anyway, but I really thought we were in smooth waters. I really don't know why I felt like this, especially watching so many other families have struggles getting through the embassy stage. Anyway, I don't feel defeated or like giving up, what I feel like doing is fighting! Fighting for her the only way we really can right now, and that is through prayer. Praying that the questions the embassy has will be answered without several additional steps, praying they won't ask for an investigation, praying that the Lord would do what only He can, and MOVE US THROUGH. Praying for open doors and open hearts, for paperwork that is perfect and complete, and for God's will to be done.

it's back

2011-08-25T04:46:00.001-07:00

The feeling is back. I had a lovely break from it for exactly 3 weeks, but this week it returned. This feeling of consuming urgency, waiting for any shred of information, feeling tied to my computer, hoping and praying for news. The relief I felt when we passed court was almost indescribable. I felt renewed, like the biggest weight imaginable had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't even really thinking yet of the next step, I was just so thankful to be where we were. Now, knowing we have been submitted to the embassy, and that they have had our paperwork for one week, I have these familiar, albeit unwanted feelings again.
I don't want to be consumed. I don't want to be anxious. But we really are closer than ever, and suddenly even a few weeks seems pretty unbearable. She is changing and growing at a rate that stuns me, I know it is magnified since we are so far away from her, but wow, do I long to be experiencing and seeing that growth and change. I also know we will be in a whole new world of challenges, but at this point I so want to be there. I am trying to be present here, with Eli and Micah in school, and having more time with Isaac, but I definitely failed yesterday. So, I find myself again, clinging to the Lord and the grace He alone can provide, and praying, praying, praying for good news soon.

new pictures

2011-08-21T14:16:00.001-07:00

We received an update and new pictures of our little Hope last week, including her daily schedule and what she eats. Seeing what her day is like, and even simple things like what she is used to eating has definitely got us thinking about how much our life will soon change. I have read some blogs lately of families who are home with their kiddos, and just how difficult that transition can be. It's like you move from one state of dependence on the Lord, to another. I don't think (and this is a good thing) that there is really a time in our lives when we can say, "Whew! Now I can relax and not have to pray about life anymore!" There is always another phase coming, a new beginning that is unknown and maybe uncertain where we need God's grace and guidance.

We also heard that we were submitted to the Embassy on Thursday! Now we wait until they have reviewed our case, and either ask for additional information or clarification, or give us clearance to travel and bring her home. We are obviously praying for option #2! :) I seriously can hardly handle her cuteness in these pictures, and the fact that she has grown up SO much!

school days

2011-08-20T05:10:00.001-07:00

The big boys have completed one week of school! We celebrated Friday night with Red Mango, and all of us crashing at 8:30 that night. :) I have experienced so many emotions this week, and at times ones that are conflicting (I wonder if they have too??), but we made it. Last Sunday we returned home from a wonderful trip to Colorado with Aaron's family, that I will write about soon, and made lunches, laid out clothes, and got backpacks ready for the first day of school. Eli and Micah were both excited, I was teary, and Isaac just wanted all of us to "stop talking about school!" That night as I was laying in bed, all I could think about was when I was on bed-rest with them, laying on our couch downstairs, and feeling them have the hiccups at the same time, longing to hold them and SEE them. And now here we are, ready for school. And the scary thing is, everyone tells me time just goes faster from here on out! I cried, and then had the thought, that one of the goals of parenting is to let your kids go. When I look ahead 20 years, I don't want to see 2 grown men that can't leave my side. I want them to be independent and confident on their own. You really do raise your kids to let them go. I know that looks different for everyone, but this was the right step for us at this time.
That first morning, I took them to school. We have about a 16 minute drive, and their school is a little tricky in the parking/drop-off area, so I got kind of confused when we got there. Instead of parking and walking with them to their line-up area, I dropped them off, and had to drive away with Micah just standing looking like he didn't know where to go. I pulled over and parked right away, and ran back to check on him, but he had made it to his class and was fine. I later found out that our good friends who have a 1st grader at the same school were right behind us, and their little guy jumped out and helped the boys find their class. But seeing Micah standing there will forever be burned into my memory, and not really in a good way! Isaac and I went to run errands after that, and it was so weird. So was lunch. For the first time in my life as a mom, I have one kid, and it is this strange mix of missing the boys and enjoying the break. I think that is what has surprised me, that I would feel sad that they were gone, but also a bit of relief that my mind and body have a break from mentally and physically keeping up with 3 boys.
They have done great overall. I know they miss each other during the day, and lunch is hard for them. They sat together once, but usually they just see each other but can't sit together and that is hard. They are super hungry when I pick them up, but not really all that wiped out. It absolutely is an adjustment, for all of us, and I know we all need extra doses of grace for each other.
Saturday they played Legos almost all day, just enjoying being together and at home.

We Passed!!!

2011-07-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

We passed court today! I got a phone call on the way home from the grocery store from our caseworker and just waited tensely until she said, "I have good news!" I can't even explain the sense of relief I feel. Like a humongous boulder has been lifted from my shoulders. And tomorrow is her birthday. That is pretty significant to me, and I am so thankful to the Lord for giving us the gift of passing before her birthday.
So, now we have more waiting. :) We will wait a couple of weeks for our agency to gather the right paperwork and then a wait a couple of weeks for them to submit it to the Embassy. Then we will wait to hear from the Embassy if they need anything additional, or redone. Then they will give us our travel clearance, and dates for our trip to finally bring her home. The Embassy has definitely been scrutinizing things more carefully as well, and the process has seemed to take longer for most families at this point. So, I am holding all of these estimates loosely, but just so incredibly thankful to BE at this point.

Proverbs 25:25
"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land." AMEN to that, and thanks be to the Lord who moved us on to the next step.

happy birthday

2011-07-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

Hope Bezualem,
Today is your first birthday! I want you to know we are celebrating your life today, and thanking the Lord for the precious gift of YOU!

We first saw your sweet face on September 8, 2010. I remember I was folding clothes on a Wednesday afternoon, and my phone rang. I looked at the number, and my heart leaped as I realized it was our adoption agency! I answered, and our caseworker Kristin, said, "This is it! I have your referral!" I started crying, and felt overwhelmed, and was just so excited to see you. I called your dad, and he rushed home, and we called Kristin back together, and she sent us your pictures. You were so tiny with huge, dark eyes and soft, dark hair. We were instantly in love with you, and so thankful that the Lord had chosen US to be your parents.

I will also never forget the first moment I saw you in person! We had traveled to Ethiopia for our court date, and got to visit you three times. The first day you were outside with all the other babies from your room enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. I was studying the other babies, trying to find you, when all of a sudden I saw you! My heart leaped as I recognized those big beautiful eyes I had memorized from your pictures. And getting to hold you for the first time, was indescribable. You weren't afraid of me, you were calm and sweet, and I kissed you and thanked the Lord for you, and getting to be with you.

These last 11 months have been filled with so many emotions, as we wait and pray for you. We have been so thankful for updates monthly about your growth and development, and have marveled at how much you have changed. Mostly, though we have loved and longed for you. You have been a part of our family before we ever saw your face, but since we have known you, we think about you constantly.

And we are not the only ones! There are so many friends and family who are praying for you and love you too, and who are so excited to meet you.

Hope, when I think about you, I think about what it will be like to have a little girl in this house full of boys. I think about holding you, kissing your cheeks, seeing you in your crib when you wake up in the morning, and around our table at dinner time. As wonderful as it will be for us, I also know those first few days for you will be confusing, stressful, and maybe even scary. You will be leaving behind everything that you have ever known, and you really won't understand why. I guess I just want you to know, that I understand that as much as I can, and nothing you do will make us love you any less. We are yours, and you are ours, and that is how it will always be from now on.

My other prayer for you Hope, is that you will come to know and love Jesus, and that He will fill your heart in ways that only He can. His love is always enough, His grace is complete, and His power and understanding know no limits. He is carrying us through this process, He comforts, encourages, and challenges us through His word, and gives us what we need for each day. There are so many verses He has shown me, but here are a couple that mean so much to me when I think about you:

Psalm 62: 5, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him."
Psalm 130:7, "O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption."
Isaiah 40: 29-31, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Hope Bezualem, we are SO thankful for you, we are SO ready for you to be home with us, and we love you SO much!!

love,
mom

*your birthday is actually July 30th, but I started this letter yesterday and finished it this morning, and couldn't figure out how to change the date!

keepin' on

2011-07-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

It's tricky to think up new post titles when I feel like I basically write the same thing over and over. :) These last two weeks have been pretty tough, I have struggled more than I have for quite awhile with the same basic things. But, I can say that no matter how confused, disappointed, discouraged, upset, or sad I feel, He has been with me. There has been a whole lot of pouring out my heart to Him (Psalm 62). I was encouraged on Sunday, as our pastor spoke about Ephesians 1:15-23, and Paul's prayer for the Ephesians. They were in very difficult circumstances, but his prayer for them was not that those circumstances would change. It was about them gaining wisdom and revelation to know Christ better, and understanding the hope and power they had because of what Christ had done for them and in them. So, that has been more of my prayer this week. Not as much about our adoption specifically, but more about my heart, and knowing and loving Christ better.
We still have not heard if we have passed court or not. MOWA is getting farther behind schedule, and the rainy season is looming. So we have been trying to stay busy, and here is a little of what we have been up to.

-projects! I love a good project, and it works really well as a distraction from stress too. I have painted our dresser and nightstand, and put together some other furniture we had in our basement to sell on craigslist. I also reworked our bedroom a little bit. Painted some frames, and lamps, changed around some pillows, comforters, and accessories. Nothing major, but it feels refreshed and new to us. I also made a family rules canvas for our family (an idea I saw on other blogs.)

-dollhouse. I brought up my dollhouse from the basement that my dad made me for Christmas one year. I think I was maybe 5? I LOVED this dollhouse and spent countless hours playing with it. It has lived in attics or basements for quite some time, and bringing it out feels so good. I painted it and let the boys play with some of the less breakable furniture I have. My Grandma Geddie made me a lot of ceramic furniture for it, but ceramics and little boys just do not go together very well.

-summer list. I made a summer list for us of fun things to do, and we have almost finished it! I think maybe we were not as ambitious as we could have been. Like going to McDonald's is on our list (yet to be marked off); the boys contribution. We did have our water balloon fight yesterday though! I think I filled balloons for 45 minutes, for maybe a five minute fight. :)

-pictures. This hasn't helped so much in the staying busy/being distracted category, but we received some of the best pictures of Hope to date! A friend who travels to Ethiopia a couple times a year offered to visit her and take some pictures for us. They are beyond precious. The last time we were with her she was just a baby, and she is well on her way to toddler hood now. And she was smiling and laughing in them, which is something I had been longing to see. (We didn't have any picture of her smiling before this.) Truly such a gift to have those.

-package. I sent Hope a package for her birthday, through another family traveling at the end of this month. I know we won't be with her, so being able to send something to her means a lot. I sent a little tag blanket that my aunt made for her (all of my boys have one that they still sleep with, and love), a baby photo album that I filled with pictures of us, and a little toy that Aaron's mom had given us for Christmas. It makes me feel connected to her, at least a little bit.

june, where did you go?

2011-07-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

How is it already July? It just feels like summer got started, and we literally have 33 days until school starts. I have loved this summer. It has been so relaxed, and has just felt right. If we feel like doing school we do it. If we feel like going somewhere, we go. And by we, I guess I mean me. :)

Some highlights from June:

Eli and Micah passed their swimming class! It was awesome to see how much they improved this year, and they really love to swim.

Aaron took all three boys camping for one night with three other dads and their boys. There were 4 dads, and 8 boys, and they all had a blast. The dads were exhausted (it rained and their teepees weren't exactly waterproof), but I think they would all do it again. I for one, being a mom of three boys, will GREATLY encourage them to. :)

All three boys went to Vacation Bible school and loved it. Isaac especially was pretty thrilled to get to go.

We had a party for Eli who stopped sucking his thumb! We had been trying to figure out a way to motivate him to stop, and told him he could have a party if he did. His first choice was Chuck E. Cheese, but we talked him into Dave and Buster's (we had free kids meals, and Aaron had credit for games). All three boys had a great time, but can you say stimulation overload?? So that was great, except that a couple weeks later he started sucking it again, and told me we could just have another party and then he could stop again.

All five of us went to the College World Series in the new stadium. Aaron was given tickets for the championship game, and it was really fun. We found a free parking spot (with a 30 minute walk, thankfully the night was beautiful), and had great seats. The boys really did pretty well. Eli and Micah could have definitely stayed the whole game, but Isaac was ready to go around the 5th inning. Aaron bought a funnel cake and popcorn, and the boys literally swarmed him, their backs to the field, totally focused on eating those snacks as fast as humanly possible. They loved it!

Aaron's brother Miguel, came to town for a very short visit. He and wife and girls are missionaries in the DR, and we miss seeing them so much. It was great to see him, and the boys picked right back up where they left off with him in terms of wrestling, wrestling, and more wrestling.

Eli and Micah went to a Stars Wars Party at our library which they LOVED! Eli has declared Stars Wars his favorite movie, although I don't think he has actually even seen all of one of them. There were two Storm Troopers in full costume, and E and M both took their light sabers (which they consistently refer to as light savers).

June was a great month! So thankful for the many blessings in our lives.

real

2011-06-28T07:09:00.001-07:00

I don't journal very often at all, I have tried to be more consistent with that on this blog, but sometimes it is just hard to be honest. Yesterday and today I wrote some things down during my quiet time in one of many little notebooks I have. I wanted to write them down here too because this is really where I am trying to keep an accurate account of our lives right now and this adoption process.

Monday June 27
Today is the day. Our new court date is today. The Lord did some amazing things to bring us to this day, and I am so thankful to Him. We have been told we probably will not pass today, MOWA is behind schedule. But God is not on any schedule. His plans and purposes and timeline is not held up by the logistics and inadequacies of man. He will accomplish whatever He needs to in spite of our progress or lack thereof. I know He could allow us to pass today. I believe it with all of my heart. But I also know that is not the most important thing. A resolution, or good news, or positive opinion letter is not where my hope is. My hope is in Him. He is hope. And as long as my eyes and heart are on Him, I will be okay. He will comfort and provide if things don't happen the way I would choose. This process has been incredibly hard, and there have been many times I have both thought and said out loud- I can't do this anymore! But. But God has been there and met me every time. And even now, not quite at the finish line, I would do it again. It has been hard, but good. And I am thankful.

Tuesday June 28
We did not pass yesterday. It was and is hard. Hard to understand. There are so many things I know, but they aren't changing my feelings. Yet. I am trying so hard to hold on to Him and His Word, but I am disappointed. I can't bear to think about being in this same spot for months longer, so I am praying for grace for today. We have until August 5 before the courts close for the rainy season. I am struggling with feeling like my prayers matter which makes it hard to pray with fervor, and diligence, and motivation. I feel like I want to give up. Throw in the towel, surrender. But there is no one to surrender to. Giving up really isn't an option. So I feel stuck again in this unknown, with a seemingly endless road in front of us. I know my feelings are not truth, but I wish they weren't so strong. I need Him. To rescue and remind me. To save me from myself and the slippery pit of discouragement, bitterness, and unbelief. He has not changed. His plan is still going strong. We really aren't stuck, but right where we are supposed to be. I need to let go again. Let go of my expectations, dreams, and hopes, and exchange them for Him. His Plan, His Word, His Presence. CONFESS, SURRENDER, REST.

not today

2011-06-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today was not the big day I was hoping it would be for us. Friday we heard from our caseworker that there was a good chance we would not pass court due to MOWA being a couple of weeks behind schedule. We don't have a new court date at this point, my understanding is we are just in a holding pattern once again. We could get the call saying we have passed court anytime, but no one really knows when that will be.
I had a moment by myself where I broke down, just feeling so disappointed. But looking back on today, I can see God's goodness and love towards me. I was gone all afternoon, visiting a good friend and her littlest in the hospital, and then swimming with my boys with my aunt and cousins. I was not home to feel sad, I was having fun! Not our normal afternoon, and I am so thankful for that.
So, the waiting continues (I guess it really never stopped!), and I will continue to pray and hold on to Jesus and His promises and truths.

this week

2011-06-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

This Friday and next Monday are pretty big days for us. Part of me doesn't want to make too big of a deal out of them in case things don't go as I hope they will, but part of me wants to tell everyone I know to please be praying for us and our case this week! Friday MOWA (an agency in Ethiopia that we need an approval letter from), is scheduled to review our case and give their opinion, so the judge will have everything she needs to finalize our adoption on Monday the 27th. If we do pass court, then we will have a few more weeks before we travel again to Ethiopia for our embassy appointment and to bring our girl home. We will also finally be able to share her picture! :)

Some specific things to pray for would be:
1) MOWA would have time to review our case on Friday
2) all our paperwork would be done correctly and nothing would be missing
3) MOWA would give us a favorable opinion letter
4) the judge would have time on Monday to review our case and finalize our adoption!

I absolutely believe in God's sovereignty and timing, and if we do not pass, I trust His plan. But, the desire of my heart (obviously!) is that we would, and unless He leads me to pray otherwise, that is what I am praying for!

*Ethiopia is 8 hours ahead of us time wise, just an fyi. :)

summertime

2011-06-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

Not that it is feeling all that summer-like today, but my calendar and our activities lately would point to the fact that it is indeed summertime. Eli and Micah are currently in swimming lessons, and as an added bonus, are the only ones in their class! It's like having private lessons at YMCA prices. :) They love to swim, and this year definitely seem stronger and more coordinated.

We also enjoyed our first camp-out as a family Memorial Day weekend. We just spent one night there, and aside from some EXTREMELY loud neighbors, who mysteriously showed up and multiplied and partied all night long, we had a great time. We went with Aaron's older sister and her husband and 2 girls, and one of his younger sisters too. There was fishing, boating, ladder ball, hot dogs, smores, and relaxing by the campfire. I am not exactly a "camper", but I would do it again. Although I think I would make sure our air mattress was free of holes. And maybe try to be a bit farther away from other campsites. At one point, probably around 2:00am, the music from our neighbors camp was blaring, the headlights from their cars were pointed straight at our tent, and Eli pops up from his sleeping bag and says, "What's all this?!" My thoughts exactly.

Next week all three boys have Vacation Bible School, and I am so excited Isaac gets to go too. He has been sad he is not in swimming lessons, and has been trying to convince me he is four so he can be. :)

We also made our "summer lists" for this year, and our summer notebooks. I saw both of those ideas last year, and they were both a big hit. The notebooks the boys used all year long for drawing, and making lists. I'm hoping to practice writing in them this summer and have them draw different summer pictures when we have our school time. I also would love us to memorize some verses together, maybe draw something that goes along with the verse? Assuming I guess we will have our school time, which so far has happened twice. :)

I do feel very aware of the fact that this is my last summer with the boys before they start school, and I don't want to take that lightly. We have decided to send them to school next year, which I feel peaceful about, but also sad that I won't be with them for so much of their day. With our adoption timeline so up in the air, I was just uneasy about starting school with them with little to no time in between Hope joining our family. Originally I thought we would have months to all adjust and figure things out, but life has just not played out that way. We had applied to a school out of our district and didn't really feel like our chances of getting in were very good, but we did, and are so thankful to have that option.

So far the summer has been great, relaxed and fun, just as it should be. :)

answering

2011-06-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

God is answering our prayers in a big way!! We got word that the last relative of Hope's that they needed to talk to agreed to relinquish, AND they had the hearing and gave the orphanage where she was brought custody! And then today, we got word that we already have a new court date for June 27!!!
I know that all of these details and steps may not make sense to someone outside of the process, and I wish there was an easier way to explain, but basically we needed 3 steps to happen for our case to continue moving forward, and they have all happened in 2 days!!! I was expecting things to be much more drawn out, like weeks longer, but God has again exceeded my expectations, and done far greater things than I even dared to hope for.
There is truly nothing beyond His power and ability, and I will continue to ask Him for the desires of my heart until He leads me otherwise. I am praying, and have been for months, that He would allow Hope to be home by her 1st birthday, July 30. It will be a miracle if this happens, and only because of His power.
So, June 27 will be a big day for our family, and one we will cover with prayer!

Ephesians 3:20
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Psalm 126:2-3
"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.'" The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."

update

2011-06-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking for a few weeks now how to write an update post about our adoption. Let's start with the good news. There have been 19 cases that have been finalized of our group of 30 families waiting with our agency! These families all had court dates, but did not pass due to an investigation. We all needed an approval letter from an agency called MOWYCA before our adoptions would be finalized. We are so thrilled and excited for these families, several of them we traveled with and spent a week with in Ethiopia. Seeing their children's faces, and knowing they are one big step closer to bringing their kids home is awesome.

So, now for the interesting news. It's not bad news, but it is unexpected and interesting. For the last 9 1/2 months we thought Hope had no connection to any family. We had no information about her family at all, and believed we really never would. Well, that has changed. Steps are being taken now to make sure adoption is truly the best and only option for her. If it is, there will be an additional hearing and paperwork that is necessary for her file.

About two months ago I went through a pretty rough time, feeling dread and fear, and just this thought that I could not bear to lose her. And now here we are, at a sort of crossroads. The Lord met me then, and I can honestly say that right now I have more peace about this than I ever have before. I have been praying for miracles, and taking comfort in His plan and purpose. He is truly close, and His presence is powerful and readily available.

I don't know what the outcome will be, we will hopefully know more soon, but I know and trust the One who does know that outcome. I am believing and holding onto His word and goodness. And praying, praying, praying. For wisdom, clarity, and that Hope's best interest would be the most important factor for those making decisions.

Psalm 112:7
"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."

Psalm 130:7
"O, Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption."

Celebrating our littlest superhero!

2011-05-30T12:01:00.001-07:00

Isaac turned three one week ago today! It was fun to see him really "get" his birthday this year, and we tried to make it so special for him. He woke up and was excited to see his decorations and presents at the table. (As a side note, Aaron asked me what we would do if we had 10 kids since decorating for each birthday takes so much longer than we think it will!) We had our traditional chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for breakfast and he opened his presents. We gave him his own superhero cape that a friend made for me (he had been wearing his brother's), a huge semi-truck that carries a bunch of matchbox cars in the back, and a new soccer ball. We played with his toys the rest of the morning, and then met Aaron at McDonald's for lunch, Isaac's favorite.
For supper we had what he requested, cheese pizza and Cheetos. I made him a little cake for his actual birthday, but we were going to have some family over to celebrate Thursday so I saved his big cake for that. After supper we gave him the choice of going fishing, on a hike, or to a park, and he picked going on a hike. After he asked what a hike was. :) It was a great day celebrating this little guy, and thanking God for giving us this precious gift.

Some facts about Isaac at three years old:
-he hardly ever walks anywhere, he jumps, runs, or bounces.
-he is big (wears a lot of size 4 clothes), and is quickly catching up to his brothers!
-he LOVES breakfast which he calls supper, and hates supper which he calls breakfast. he will eat all breakfast foods (eggs, oatmeal, cereal, etc.), but takes one bite of supper almost every night, regardless of what it is. unless it's chicken strips or pizza. :)
-he has been potty-trained for about 6 months, and was SO much easier to train than his brothers.
-he sleeps with his "baba" and "blankie".
-he is super ticklish!
-he is my buddy, and wants to be wherever I am.
-he hates to be left behind, but will play happily by himself if he can choose to. one day after his nap he requested to have "rest time" in which he played by himself in his room for an hour and a half.
-he is so cuddly, and still loves to be held and rocked.
-he likes being the baby, and reminds me all the time that he is my baby.
-he is super coordinated and loves soccer and baseball. we had to take an unfortunate trip to the ER and he was perfectly fine, but the doctor commented a couple times how coordinated he was and that we needed to get him into sports.
-he will always be my littlest, but he calls himself my stinkiest!

waiting

2011-05-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

I read this poem this morning, and loved the message. This is what I desire my heart to be like during this wait, not that it has been this way, but so thankful for the Lord's grace that meets me moment by moment.

Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till next steps made plain shall be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master is pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!
Perhaps it may be today
The Master will quickly open
The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late;
He knoweth that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate.
J. Danson Smith

a bit of a rough patch

2011-05-15T14:01:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't really felt like writing lately. I think that may be directly related to the fact that life just seems hard right now. We have still not heard anything definite about our adoption. Basically, we could get the news any day that we have been approved, but it could also be weeks or longer. I read somewhere that waiting for something that you felt like God led you to do, but He now seems to be so quiet about is one of the hardest things. And I think i agree. I know He could change things in a heartbeat, He can move mountains, and if He doesn't there is a good reason. It's just hard. Hope B. is now almost 10 months old, in the last picture we received she was sitting up and playing with toys. It's the first time we have received a picture of her doing something other than lying in her bed. :) She is the sweetest thing, and letting go of her over and over (figuratively) is the hardest thing I have done.

In little boy news, Isaac is done with his pacifier (bobo), and Eli has stopped sucking his thumb! Both victories for our little family. Isaac chewed through his pacifier when we went to Oklahoma and I had not brought any others, and really did not want to buy more. So, that was the end of that. He actually handled it SO much better than I imagined he would. He had a couple of rough nights/naptimes, but nothing major.

Eli has sucked his thumb since he was probably 2 months old or so. Up until recently, he would suck it pretty much any time he was doing something quiet-being read to, watching t.v., riding in the car, etc. We started making it a "find" to suck it outside of bedtime, and I really never saw him suck it anymore. And we said if he gave it up completely he could have a party at Chuck E. Cheese, and although we don't have hidden cameras in his room, I think he has actually given it up. Micah has verified and confirmed he really doesn't suck it anymore. :)

Life is marching right along, and I am trying to figure out how to march here along with it while part of my heart is on the other side of the world.

Easter 2011

2011-04-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

We had another special and fun Easter this year. I decided a little late, that I wanted to make Hot Cross Buns for our family. I have never made them before, and learned you are actually supposed to make them for Good Friday, but we had ours Easter Sunday instead. They were good, although time consuming! Not sure I have really mastered yeast dough either, but I think it was a good first try.
After breakfast we went the our church's early service and then came back home and did the resurrection eggs with the boys. They really got into them, and liked going through each one again and again. After we finished Isaac hid them all for himself, and we had quite the time trying to find them all. :)
We spent lunch with my family, and the boys had their first candy hunt. They seriously look forward so much to going to Chuck and Lydia's and getting lots of candy, and their chocolate bunnies!
After that we spent the evening with Aaron's family, and had another great meal and Easter egg hunt. I was reminded what a precious gift it is to have such wonderful family. We are so blessed to be surrounded by people we love, and have the chance to spend time with them often.

2011-04-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

Things I want to remember about life lately:

1. We started a new chore chart system for Eli and Micah. It's the Dave Ramsey system for kids, and it has been great so far. We thought of chores/jobs they could do each day and receive commissions at the end of the week. Micah's ideas for jobs included 1)putting his coat on before we left anywhere, 2)watching out for the hot oven when I opened the door 3) bringing in firewood during the winter. :) They also receive fines for certain behaviors, which they call "finds."

2. We were having our Bible time before bed a couple of nights ago and read the story of Adam and Eve and how Adam was formed from dust and Eve was formed from Adam's rib. Isaac piped up and said, "Is this my wibbon? (ribbon)", pointing to his chest. :)

3. Last week I had a LEGO day with the boys. We played all morning with LEGOS, which basically consisted of me putting things together for them. My brain literally felt like I had just taken the ACT when we were done, so many little tiny pieces! And all our LEGOS are just in a big bin all mixed together so it takes forever to find what you need. It was fun though, and I realized whenever I don't want to think about adoption stuff, I can just play with LEGOS because when you are building things you can't think about anything else!

4. I think one of the things I have learned so far through this adoption, is how much there is to be thankful for. I also feel like I can more fully appreciate when things are good, because there have been so many hard days.

5. On the way home from church yesterday (Easter), we were talking about how Jesus rose from the grave. Isaac says, "Jesus is not in the tomb, He went to McDonald's and got hangabers (hamburgers) and french fries." Any guesses what Isaac's favorite restaurant is?

a lot

2011-04-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

*I have started and stopped this post so many times. I just need to finish it, so if it seems disjointed that's why. And super long. :)

I feel like there have been a lot of things lately that I have wanted to write about, but I am going to start with what is the freshest. I have been struggling again with waiting and trusting. A couple of nights ago, (in public no less) I had a major breakdown and felt like my heart was literally breaking. It was actually a blessing looking back on it that it was in public because I was with several of my closest friends who literally surrounded me with their support and love. Anyway, I guess I have just been feeling at the end of myself. And dealing with fear that what I long for so very much may not come to be. I felt like God was asking me to let her go. Not that we have ever physically had her, but let go of my dreams, expectations, and desires. I just had this picture in my mind of holding her with open arms and hands outstretched, instead of clenching her tightly. And really, isn't that the only way to actually hold anything? If my hands are clenched, I can't really hold anything anyway. But at the same time so hard to let go, and allow those fingers to release.

I wish I could say I have been consistent through this process, consistent in my faith and trust and belief in God's goodness, and consistent in combating these feelings of fear and despair instead of allowing them to influence my behavior. But that unfortunately isn't true. I have had good days, even good weeks were I feel peaceful and content, and full of the Lord. And then I have had very bad days and even weeks where I begin to doubt, and the doubt snowballs into fear, distrust, despair, and grief. A good friend of mine told me this quote from I think Philip Yancy, that so often we confuse God with life. When life is good, God is good; but when life is bad, God is bad. I have done that over and over again, and I am so tired of it. I am tired of my feelings. They are so untrustworthy and don't make sense so much of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had this thought that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in this process, as opposed to being "stuck" which is how I had been describing our situation. If I believe that God is in control, and we are doing what He wants us to do (and I do), then He will move us to the next step when we are supposed to move. And until then, we are where we are supposed to be. He also brought 1 Peter 5:6-7 to my mind too and it connected with me in a completely new way, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
"In due time," not mine, but His.

This last week the boys and I made the trip down to Oklahoma. It was my first time driving by myself with all three, and they were awesome. I had some moments of stress when the dvd player was acting up, but we made it there and back with no trouble at all. I felt so heavy when we got there, just sad, and well, heavy. And what a safe and wonderful place to be when feeling that way. At home; where I am perfectly comfortable, at ease, and at peace. Where we are wanted and loved and so many distractions and stresses are just not there. I didn't have to do anything or go anywhere. Just hang out with my family. The main reason we were there was to spend time with my brother Andy before he leaves for Afghanistan. So, I went down emotional about our adoption, and returned emotional about him leaving! :)

There is so much to be thankful for all around me, and I have the list to prove it! I think what I just feel sad about is that I am missing so much of her life right now. She is nearly 9 months old, and I have missed all of it so far. I already feel like her mom, and I hate that I am missing all of the changes and growth that happen in that first year. We are watching her grow up through pictures and updates, and I just want to be with her.

I'm not sure how this all fits together; trusting the Lord and His timing, feeling disappointed and sad, looking for His goodness and trying to choose joy, praying with faith and expectancy, but humility and open hands at the same time. I am thankful He knows my heart and gives me the opportunity to start over, and that His forgiveness and grace are not dependent on me. HE IS GOOD.

numbers

2011-03-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

-Hope B. is 8 months old today

-she is 15 pounds and 23 inches long

-we have known her face for 6 months and 22 days

-it has been 2 months and 2 days since we left for our court date

-we have been on this adoption journey for 19 months and 23 days

-there are 3 little boys, 1 dad, and 1 mom who can not WAIT until our girl is home

5

2011-03-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

My oldest 2 turn 5 today. For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about their birthday, and thinking how old 5 sounds. I have been mentally trying to push their growing shoulders down with the weight of my will to keep them little, and memorize every inch of their almost 5 faces. The way Micah can make his eyes so big when he is telling or hearing a story, or when he is in trouble. Eli's front tooth, and the way it sticks out just a little bit more than the others due to being a thumb-sucker from birth. Micah's giggle and Eli's smile. The way Eli's voice deepens when he talks to his dad about something important, and Micah's sweet words of encouragement. I love these two little guys so much, and am indescribably thankful for the gift I have been given of being their mom.

Today for their birthday we started out with teddy bear pancakes and they opened their presents. And for the first time ever, Aaron and I didn't get mad at each other while putting up streamers and balloons, yay! The family I nannied for before the boys came along came over for dinner last Saturday, and brought what turned out to be the boys' favorite gift, a trike! This trike is pretty much the best trike ever, super tough and durable and big, but also really easy to peddle. They have been riding it CONSTANTLY, such a great surprise for them.
They played and rode all morning, and then my grandma and two aunts came over. We love them so much, and I am always reminded what really a gift it is to have family when we spend time with them. Then for lunch Eli and Micah picked chicken nuggets and french fries (which I found at Trader Joe's, and felt a little better about giving them), and I let them watch Kung Fu Panda while eating lunch.
I finished their cake during rest time, and praise the Lord, the little Mario figures came in the mail that I had found on Amazon. We went to Red Robin for dinner, their favorite restaurant, which worked out great since we had coupons for their meals, and a free hamburger for Aaron. Then we came back home, had cake and ice cream and played a couple games of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. So fun having a day to celebrate them, and so thankful for the past 5 years.

So here are some info about both of them at 5 years old:

-Micah-older by 15 minutes, 38.5 pounds
-Elijah- 39 pounds (incidentally, this is how they have been since they were born. Eli has always been 1/2 inch taller and 1/2 pound heavier.)
-they both can read, very simple short-vowel sound words
-Eli enjoys coloring, writing, cutting, etc.
-Micah likes to create these elaborate battles with guys, superheroes, lego men, etc.,
-they have a "rest time" together every day. we started out with them separate, but they insist they just want to be together.
-they still spontaneously will hold hands just for a few seconds every once in a while when standing by each other or walking.
-they love to be read to. we read a chapter book after putting isaac down every day, currently it's mrs. pigglewiggle :)
-they love watching movies and playing the wii.
-their favorite restaurant is Red Robin, and has been since they were 3
-they both still love their little blankets my aunt made them when they were born, and sleep with them every night. and try to sneak them downstairs all the time.
-their favorite foods are cheese pizza, chicken nuggets, and pancakes and corn/hot dogs (eli), berries, and mango
-they still like to snuggle, especially at night

random

2011-03-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Some fun and random thoughts from the last week or so...

-We had a great visit from my brother and sister-in-law. We LOVE when they come and visit, and it went by incredibly fast. They came Saturday evening and left Wednesday morning. Micah was especially sad when they left, and was scheming ways to get them to come back. :) They took us out for sushi, Aaron and my first experience, and we made our usual trip to the zoo. They love our boys so much, and it is such an encouragement to our hearts to spend time with them.

-I have been feeling especially hopeful about adoption stuff lately. Like, I sometimes have trouble falling asleep at night because I am so excited thinking about what God may be doing. I don't have any real reason for feeling this way at this point, but my heart just has that excited, anticipatory feeling. I keep trying to convince myself not to feel this way, that we may have months and months ahead of us yet, but I'm apparently not listening very well.

-Yesterday I walked into our living room to see that Eli had watered my fake plant with a full water bottle. There was quite the river flowing into our dining room! Both boys are super into watering and taking care of plants. Which is hilarious considering I do. not. garden. They will find little weed/grass plant things outside and water them and build little walls around them to protect them, water trees, and dead plants from last year. I really need to take advantage of this, but I am so clueless about anything related to plants!

-Isaac has been just about the cutest little guy ever these days. I think it's the completely sincere and earnest way he talks about just about everything. And he is a puzzle machine. He will do puzzles forever, over and over again.

-Eli and Micah turn 5 next week! Craziness! They have discovered Legos, and Angela was pronounced the "best builder ever" when she was here. :) They want to have a Mario Bros cake for their birthday, which does not bode well for me. I remember all too well my Spiderman debacle from last year. I did find some little figures on Amazon that I might just need to get, since they also informed me it needs to be perfect. (We looked at Mario cakes online, and I just kept saying, "wow, these cakes are perfect!")

-We received an update yesterday about Hope. She looked so cute, but she is looking older! Of course she is, but it really hit me in that picture how much she has changed. Her development and growth looks good, and I just can't wait to kiss those sweet cheeks again!

2011-03-10T06:14:00.000-08:00

We had heard of some major changes happening in Ethiopia last last week, but I wanted to wait until we had more official confirmation. Unfortunately, that came yesterday. We don't know yet how this will affect us, and really nobody knows yet. The advice we have been given is just to wait and see how things play out, but we do know wisdom is needed for those making these major decisions. My prayer today is, "Lord, I believe, help me with my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Ethiopia Adoption Alert

Adoption Alert

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE
Bureau of Consular Affairs
Office of Children’s Issues
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Government of Ethiopia Plans Major Slow-Down in Adoption Processing

March 9, 2011

Citing the need to work on quality and focus on more important strategic issues, the Government of Ethiopia’s Ministry of Women, Children, and Youth Affairs (MOWCYA) will reduce to a maximum of five the number of adoption cases it processes per day, effective March 10, 2011. Under Ethiopian adoption procedures, MOWCYA approves every match between prospective adoptive parents and an Ethiopian child before that case can be forwarded for a court hearing. The U.S. Embassy is working with Ethiopian government officials and adoption agencies to learn more about this change in procedures. We will continue to share information as it becomes available.

Given MOWCYA's current caseload, the U.S. Embassy anticipates that this change could result in an overall decline in case processing of some 90 percent. If this change is implemented as proposed, we expect, that parents who have begun the process of adopting from Ethiopia but have not yet been matched with a child could experience significant delays. It is not clear if this change in procedures would have any significant impact on cases in which MOWCYA has already approved matches.

Prospective adoptive parents should remain in close contact with their adoption service provider to obtain updates on individual cases.

The Embassy's Adoptions Unit can be reached at consadoptionaddis@state.gov.

Please continue to monitor http://adoption.state.gov/ for updated information as it becomes available.

haircuts, projects, and flowers

2011-03-07T07:47:00.001-08:00

Adoption stuff has been heavy and hard lately, no doubt about it. But I do have 3 very happy, energetic and fun little guys with me all day that are such a blessing to my heart. Eli is especially sensitive to my moods I think, and the last couple of weeks when I have been struggling he has asked me in this super cheerful little voice, "Mom, aren't you so glad you have 3 boys?!" I think he may be misinterpreting my feelings as negative toward he and his brothers which is not so good, but that question definitely brings me back to the reality right here in front of me. He will also catch my eye sometimes with this big grin, and move in closer and closer until I give one to him in return. I have not been the mom I want to be this last month, but starting this week I am determined, with the Lord's help, to stop allowing my feelings to rule. And, to truly believe that things don't have to make sense to me. It's okay, and actually probably better if they don't. What would that say about our God, if we understood His ways and plan all the time? Anyway, I wasn't even going to talk about adoption stuff!
So, this amaryllis bulb that Aaron gave me for Valentine's Day that was supposed to take 8-10 weeks to bloom? Well, it seems to be loving its life a little too much and looks ready to bloom any day. I seriously feel like I look at it throughout the day and it is growing. I am still praying about it though. :)
I finally took the boys to get haircuts last week. We always go with my grandma, and it is a fun tradition for all of us. Eli was getting very concerned he looked like a girl, so it was definitely time. I have also been on sort of a crafting kick lately. I am not very crafty, but I think I wish I was, and I do like projects. So, as long as they are easy and require no sewing I am willing to give it a try. It's been a good outlet for me, and fun to actually do something fun!
Aaron also made a trundle bed for Isaac which I am so thrilled about. I was scheming about changing around all of our bedrooms because the boys room was SO crammed with bunkbeds and a single bed, plus a dresser. When Andy was here I was telling him about my plans, and he said "What about a trundle bed?" And I was like What about a trundle bed?! And why in the world did it take my single 20-something brother to suggest such an obvious solution?? So, my very talented husband made one, and I have to say it looks so good. Like it was make for those bunk beds. And I can walk into their room without my blood pressure rising through the roof, and instantly being in a bad mood. Thanks Andy! :)

marathon

2011-03-03T05:51:00.001-08:00

There has been so many thoughts running through my mind about adoption lately. Trying to explain where we are in this process is tough right now because we actually don't know either. I have been thinking about it in terms of running a marathon. When you start preparing for a marathon you know it is going to be hard. You know it's going to be long. People who have already done it give you advice about how to train, what shoes to buy, which course is the best. You are prepared for a long hard race that will try your body in ways you never have before. But you love running, and you know the end will be totally worth all the time and effort along the way. You train for months, and then the big day of the race arrives. When you start you have so much excitement and adrenaline, you feel great, like you could run forever. You have prepared yourself well and are ready. Toward the middle you start feeling the effects of running so far, but you knew this would happen, so you keep going. Again you have prepared your body and mind. Up ahead you see the mile marker that indicates you have two miles left. Two miles! That is nothing, you have already run 24, but at the same time your body is almost at its end too, and you are very thankful the end is near. All of a sudden you get word from a race official that the finish line has been moved. And not only has it been moved, but you don't know its new location. It could be just around that final corner, or it could be another full marathon away. Or more. You. just. don't know. How do you prepare and process that?!

That's sort of where I feel like we are. What we thought was the downhill stretch in this "marathon" has turned into a race with no clear finish. Some days it makes me want to curl into a ball and just lay there. Which I have done. Some days it drives me to make plans and preparations. Which I have done. Every day it makes me cling to and seek the Lord like I never have before. There is so much we don't know right now, that I am holding on so tightly to what we do.

This is what I know:
This entire situation is not a surprise to the Lord.
Isaiah 46:10- "I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say my purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please."

He is God, and there is no other.
Isaiah 45: 5a-" I am the Lord and there is no other; apart from me there is no other God."

He is enough.
Isaiah 46:4- "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

I can trust Him.
Isaiah 40:25-26, 28-31- "To whom will you compare me: Or who is my equal? says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Several families from our agency are taking the opportunity to fast and pray for 24 hours starting tonight. My heart in doing this is to re-focus, remind myself again of my incredible need for God and humble myself before Him. He is worthy of that all the time, not just in times of need, but I think sometimes we may have more clarity in those times. Praying that He accomplishes His great purposes...

uncle andy

2011-02-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

My brother Andy came to see us this past weekend. He is heading to Afghanistan with the army soon, and this was our last chance to spend time with him before he leaves for training. I should really write about all three of my brothers, and their relationship with my boys, because they are all amazing uncles.
I remember thinking when we found out Eli and Micah were both boys that they would have such great examples of men in their lives because of my brothers, and that has really been true. They love their uncles, and the rest of us are sort of chopped liver when they are around.
Anyway, Andy came in Thursday afternoon and we
were there to meet him when he came off the plane. My thought was to get to the airport early so we wouldn't miss him and the boys could run up to him. Well, we were definitely there early. An hour and a half early to be exact. His flight was delayed, so I had a couple moments of panic thinking how am I going entertain 3 little guys in an airport for over an hour, but thankfully they did great. We ate an outrageously expensive snack (2 bags of chips and an apple juice for almost 7 bucks (!), don't tell Aaron), and ran the long hallway a couple of times. That took all of about 20 minutes, but I remembered that I can get the Disney channel on my phone, so they happily hunkered down with that for the rest of the time. And they did get to run up to Andy as he walked up the ramp. :)
We went to the zoo, had some family over for desert, out to eat a couple of time, and to Scheel's. And the highlight has for sure been playing Super Mario Bros on the wii, and discussing super heroes in great detail.
I am so thankful for Andy, for the sacrifice he and so many others are making for our country, and for this weekend to be together. You are so loved Andy, I hope you know that!

*I'm clearly terrible at computer stuff, I could not get these pictures to line up right!

and the wait goes on and so does life

2011-02-20T04:46:00.001-08:00

So, I guess it's been two weeks now since we came home and we have not received any word about when we might be going back. At first I didn't want to even think about our next trip in terms of planning, or do any sort of preparation for when we bring B home. It seemed easier to sort of pack those mental boxes away until we had a definite date of when we were going back. Easier on my heart anyway. But then I read a devotional that a good friend is letting me borrow about faith and stepping out in faith. When God instructed the Israelites to cross the Jordon river, he told them the priest's feet had to be in the water before it would part. Faith steps. I started thinking what that would like in my life, and thought of planning and preparing for B coming home. We really have no idea when that will be, but my desire is to walk and act in faith, not in what feels comfortable to me. So, bring on the lists! :)
I also had another thought right around the same time about faith that I'm not totally sure about, but wanted to write down anyway. Aaron got me an amaryllis bulb for Valentine's Day and on the directions for how to plant and take care of it, it said it takes 8-10 weeks to bloom. My thought was to pray that B would be home by the time that flower has blossomed. Now, as another good friend reminded me, God's working and plan is not about our timelines, but I guess I thought maybe that would be a good thing to pray in faith for. His plan is good whether or not He answers Yes to that prayer, but it's sort of something tangible I guess in a situation full of unknowns. And, if I feel like as we go along, that is NOT something I should be praying for, I will gladly change my prayers. :)
The boys are doing great, and it has been so sweet to hear their thoughts about Hope and their desire for her to come home too. I asked Isaac the other day who his baby was, and he said Baby Hope, and then I asked him where she was and he said, "Efiopia." Love it. I think for Eli and Micah especially seeing the pictures of where she lives and the other babies and caregivers that are with her, has definitely helped make it more of a reality for them too. They loved hearing all our stories from our trip, and when we talk about it with others, they pipe up with their favorite parts.
I read this quote from the book One Thousand Gifts, and love it:
"The highest form of prayer is to the goodness of God...God only desires that our soul cling to him with all of its strength, in particular, that it clings to his goodness. For of all the things our minds can think about God, it is thinking upon his goodness that pleases him most and brings the most profit to our soul." Julian of Norwich

home

2011-02-12T08:51:00.001-08:00

The house is quiet, Aaron took all 3 boys ice fishing! So thankful for an adventurous husband! And thankful for some time to reflect on the past few days.

We have been home now 6 days, and I think I am finally feeling normal. I slept in until 5:39 this morning, quite a victory when 4:00am was my greeter the past few mornings. Being home has been hard. Harder than I expected. I had missed the boys so much, missed my bed, missed my shower, missed home. I was ready to come home. But the farther we got from Ethiopia, the heavier my heart felt about leaving Hope. Our last day with her was not super-emotional, I think I pushed all the feelings away, but now the reality of her being there and us being here has majorly settled in.

I have been allowing doubts, fear, and bitterness to wind their ways around my heart, and harden it to the Lord. Pushing Him away, blaming Him, and missing Him. I have struggled with understanding why He is allowing something to continue that He could knock out with a whisper. I have become the potsherd asking the potter what they heck He is doing, and why isn't He doing things the "right" way. I think I have taken things personally, like if He really loved me, He would allow our adoption to fly right along without any hitches or hangups. Despite my feelings, I have been seeking Him, knowing deep down that my Hope truly is in Him, in every way. And He has met me. I don't have answers, nothing has changed yet about where our adoption stands, but He is with me and I praise the Lord, I can finally see that. I saw it this morning in a breathtaking sunrise, a donut date with my littlest, and a front-row parking spot at Walmart on a Saturday morning(!). Heck, I can see it right now, in an unexpectedly quiet house before lunchtime!

Isaiah has been such a comfort to me throughout this adoption. The Lord has spoken to my heart through these verses time and time again, and for some reason I am always surprised when He does! This morning, after another hard day yesterday dwelling on the unknown, I read chapter 45 and these are just a few of the verses that leaped into my hurting heart;

-"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through cars of iron.
-...so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel who summons you by name...
-I am the Lord and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me.
-Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter what are you making?
-I am the Lord, and there is no other. I have not spoken in secret from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob's descendants, Seek me in vain. I the Lord speak truth; I declare what is right."

So, my prayer is now, that I would continue to see Him. I am reading a book called One Thousand Gifts, about looking for God in everyday things and being thankful for the many, many gifts He gives us every day. Really, even that I am reading that book right now is a gift from Him. I bought it before we left and didn't bring it because I didn't have room. How timely it has been for me now, no surprise to Him.

I think I am finally ready to talk about our trip with others, and the ways God worked and the prayers He answered. The pain of the known, and unknown is still there, and I'm sure will knock me off my feet at times, but so is He, and He is greater.

Ethiopia, day 7

2011-02-08T04:06:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 4

Today was hard. I have been thinking about how to write about it all day, and I just don't have the ability to really describe it. The morning started off with court. We had not received any updates this week, but I still had hope that maybe, somehow things had been resolved. Well, that didn't happen, and I am trusting the Lord and believing that His plan really is better. Although, it is not easy. All of our 8 families crowded into a room where there were several other Ethiopians waiting as well. I found out later, that all of those people were there to relinquish their rights to their children. The judge called us in 4 families at a time, and asked us several yes/no questions that we all answered in unison. And that was it. It seemed like that should have been the climax of our trip, but really, we still have no idea when we will have a new member in our family. It's the not knowing that is always so hard. Aaron and I came back to our guest house after that, and I just lay on the bed for a while. He ate lunch and then we met the rest of our group to tour the three government orphanages.

We went to the boy's orphanage first called Kolfe. There were over 200 boys there ages 6-19 or so. I was completely overwhelmed by so many things. First of all to see so many boys, and so many that looked so young; second, the conditions were apparently much improved, but with over 200 boys, things get pretty worn out pretty fast. They all have a different story, but many of them have been there since they were babies. Our guide said there really is a family atmosphere, and once they are there, they can stay. They do go to school, and there are opportunities to sponsor them and help with college once they graduate.

I had been fighting back tears as we walked around with these boys, just feeling so overwhelmed thinking about their lives, when I met a young man named W. He was 14 years old, spoke very good English, liked school especially Social Studies, went to church 2 times every day, couldn't play sports because of a heart condition, liked the movie Finding Nemo, and was the only one of his family in the universe. This guy was such a blessing to me, such an encouragement to see hope and strength in his eyes.

The next orphanage we went to is called Kebebe Tishay, and it is for children birth-8 years old. I lost it here. I was holding a little boy or girl (hard to tell when all their heads are shaved) who was maybe 3 0r 4 who had run up to me with their little arms out-stretched to be held, walking through these rooms with such incredible need, and I couldn't hold back my tears. I kept thinking about my boys and Hope, and what if they had to grow up in a place like this. And, that they didn't, and I didn't, and maybe there is a reason for that. Walking back to our cars, two little ones came up to me and held my hands until I had to literally pull away from them. And even then, one stood right by our car, unmoving until our driver got out and gently led them away.

My heart broke. I cried all the way to the next orphanage which was Kechene. This one was a girls orphanage, but also now had some little boys, and it was actually the nicest of the three. There were over 200 kids here as well, and again I met a little one who just wanted to be held. They (again I'm not sure about the gender because of the shaved head :) ) wore my sunglasses, and then laid their little head on my shoulder while gripping my hair. I think what is so hard for me to wrap my mind around, is that these are real kids. Kids just like mine, who love gum, crayons, movies and candy.

Aaron and I had a chance to eat dinner together, just the two of us, and we were able to process through a little of what we had seen. We were both overwhelmed, but also aware of the danger of being overwhelmed to the point of feeling paralyzed, like there is so much that needs to be done you don't know what to do and so you don't do anything. We talked about some things we could do to help, ways we could give. Exhausting day.

Ethiopia, day 6

2011-02-08T03:51:00.000-08:00

Thursday, February 3

We had our last visit with B today. It took us a little while to find her because she had switched houses, from #1 to #4. She is in a room now with 5 other babies, all pretty close to her age. I guess they tried to feed her solid food for the first time too, some kind of mashed up bean, and she was not too sure about that. We both held her again, and I was just trying to memorize everything about her. She has that sweet baby smell, soft curly hair, and such smooth beautiful skin. She has some rolls on her legs, and just about the cutest feet you have ever seen. I did get to give her the last of her bottle and then laid her back in her bed and she fell asleep pretty quickly. I am really not thinking about the fact that we will be leaving, just pushing it away, because if I do it's just too hard. It has been such an amazing blessing to see her and hold her, and learn about Ethiopia. Reality is just not something I want to deal with right now.

After our visit a group of us went to Addis Ababa University where they have the palace of Haile Salisse. He gave it to the university, and now it is a museum. He was a very loved and respected emperor, and he believed he could trace his genealogy to the Queen of Sheba. After that we ate lunch, and then met our entire group to tour the Holy Trinity Church. Orthodox Christianity is the main religion here, and Salisse and his wife both have their remains in the church in these huge marble memorials. They also still have the thrones that they would sit on during church there, and there are murals painted on the walls of them. Our guide was Belay and his father was a general for Salisse. When the communists took over, they executed 60 government officials and generals in one day, and Belay's father was one of them.

For dinner we ate at a restaurant called Top View, which was on a mountain, and did have a beautiful view of the city. The food again was amazing, and I loved talking with the two other families we went with. That has been such a blessing to me this week, just getting to know and talk with the other adoptive families.

Ethiopia, Day 5

2011-02-02T11:29:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, February 2

Today was basically a free day for us, to souvenir shop, sight-see, whatever. Aaron and I and another couple went together, and we started with shopping. There are literally stores EVERYWHERE, but our drivers know the best places to go. The first place we went was the Kechene girls shop, where they are able to make different things and sell them to give them a way to make money when they age out of the orphange. This is another program Belay started. I found a little dress for B, and a couple other things. Then we went to the “post office” area. They had just lots of little shops with all the typical Ethiopian souvenirs. We found some fun things there too, and then went to Tomoca coffee shop. You can buy bags of coffee as well as drink some there and we did both. I know everyone says it, but the coffee here is really good. And inexpensive. I am actually drinking the best cappuccino of my life right now, and it was 50 cents.

After that we headed up Entoto mountain to some churches and historical places. That drive was intense. The drive up Entoto and back down is 18 miles, up a steep winding road. And as we drove we kept seeing women, from very old to very young carrying HUGE bundles of sticks and wood on their backs. Like so big and heavy they were bent over at the waist. Oh, and one very old lady was not wearing shoes. We found out later they make that journey of 18 miles every day, carrying 50-70 pounds on their back and get paid what amounts to 60 cents. It is the only way they can make any money for themselves or their families, so they do it. Every day. That's a pretty good way to get some perspective, thinking about how hard some people have to work just to survive. I did give one of them money, but it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to do. There is shop now, for women who don't want to carry those loads anymore weaving scarves, but we still saw at least 50 or more.

At the top of Entoto there is the first church ever built in Addis, and the first Emperor of modern Ethiopia's palace. Not like the kind of palace you usually think of, he was very humble for an Emperor. :) It was so neat learning the history of Ethiopia and Addis. We also went to another very historical Orthodox church, and saw a cave 700 years old that had been a church as well.

We ate lunch late today, around 3:00, and again had another fabulous meal. We are back in our room now, just watched a thunderstorm (very unusual this time of year), and excited for our last visit tomorrow with sweet B!

Ethiopia, Day 4

2011-02-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, February 1

Sorry for the late post, the internet's been sporadic!

Today we had another visit! We were more on our own today at the foster care house, the Gladney staff was not there to meet us, but we knew where B's room was. Both visits have been during their feeding time and nap time, and she was eating when we got there. They had done her hair today in little poofs with different colored bands. It looked so cute! We both got to hold her again, I think Aaron held her more today. She fussed a little when we put her back in her crib, so one of the caregivers put her on her tummy so she could see more out of her crib, and she fell asleep with her little head on her arms. Those babies are definitely scheduled, they know when it's time to sleep, and they know when it's time to eat! I guess they feed them every three hours, even through the night, about 5-6 ounces each time. We finished up our visit and delivered all our donation items, and then met the rest of our group. I know adoption is hard, and emotional, and draining in just about every way, but when you see these babies, toddlers, and children who are full of life, and desperately needing a family, it changes something inside you. I have been excited for adoption a long time before this trip, but actually seeing these kids has moved something deeper inside me. And again I believe that God has not given all He has given me and my family, just for us. I think there is a greater purpose there, a way I can use what I have for someone else. And it doesn't have to be in Ethiopia, it can be anywhere. And then I think about how thankful I am for a safe and loving place for B, and the millions of children who don't even have that. If she desperately needs a family, (and she does), what about those children that don't even have a safe place to sleep, or anything to eat or wear!? Everyone knows there are needs in the world, but wow THERE ARE NEEDS IN THE WORLD!!!.

After our visit we all went to this resort where we ate lunch. The trip there was pretty long, about an hour and a half, and we went in buses. You know what I have been so thankful for and know is just the Lord? I have not been carsick at all! I get carsick driving to church sometimes on paved roads with hardly an cars, and let's just say driving here is NOTHING like that!!! Anyway, the resort was so beautiful. Really tropical and surrounding this lake. We ate with the Kechene girls government orphanage, for girls 12 and up. The head of the Ethiopian adoption program here is man named Belay, and he does so much for both the Kechene girls orphanage and the Kolfay boys orphanage. He said this was like a once in a lifetime trip for them, and they seemed to both love it, and not quite know what to do. :) I have gained so much more respect for Gladney and their staff, and what they are doing for orphans here.

After we got back from lunch, we had a processing group with the other families. One of Gladney's social workers/ counselor just talked with us about all we were experiencing and other aspects of adoption. She let us ask questions, and had some really good advice and thoughts about adoption both now and for the future. Then a couple of us went to dinner at this great pizza place! Yes, pizza! Let's just say, the food here is amazing! Every meal we have had has been so good, and there are so many restaurants. I was picturing eating just Ethiopian food, but we have only had that once. Most places have both Ethiopian and American or Italian or whatever. Another great day!

Ethiopia, day 3

2011-01-31T09:52:00.000-08:00

Monday, February 1

Wow, today was AMAZING!!! We both slept okay last night, woke up a lot, but never felt just wide awake. We had a good breakfast downstairs, and then met our driver who took us to the Gladney Foster Care House #1. When we arrived there was a group of babies laying in the sun, and it was so hard not to run over to them and look for B. We met some of the Gladney staff, and while talking to them I saw her. A caregiver had picked her up to go and weigh her I think, but I saw her eyes and knew it was her. I totally choked up, but still held back. When we were talking to the Gladney staff, they said just to be really careful not to give all your attention to just one child because even the babies start to make a connection, and when we leave they struggle a little bit with eating and sleeping. Almost like they are depressed in a way. We found out what room she was in, and basically just hung out there for about an hour. There were two caregivers in her room and 8 babies. She is almost ready to move to the older baby house, I think they do that around 6 months. She is absolutely the most precious baby ever. She was content, and didn't mind when I held her at all. She wasn't a huge smiler, but we got a couple little ones. You can tell she just loves to be talked to and held. It was so hard to not just stand by her crib or hold just her the whole time, but I definitely don't want to cause any more issues for her. Plus, the other babies were precious too! She actually shares her crib with another baby girl, and they both cuddled up together after they ate and fell asleep. Their little legs and arms were all wrapped up, so sweet! I wish I could better explain what it felt like to hold her, but I think it was one of the sweetest moments of my life. Leaving her is going to be horrible, but it is such a blessing to see where she lives and those that are talking care of her.

After we left the care centers, all of the families (I think there are 8 of us) went to lunch together. It was a really nice Italian place, and fun to get to know some of the other families adopting. Then we went to this silk factory, where they actually raise the silk caterpillars. We got to see the cocoons, butterflies, eggs, and caterpillars, and how they make and spin the silk. So interesting, and really beautiful things they make out of the silk. Then we went to Alert hospital where they have leprosy patients who crochet, weave, embroider and sew all kinds of things. There were women there with literally no fingers who were crocheting and knitting, pretty humbling and amazing at the same time.

After that we went back to the airport, and praise the Lord, our bags were there! So thankful to have those back!

Ethiopia trip, day 2

2011-01-30T00:39:00.001-08:00

Sunday, January 30

We made it!! Hooray! I am sitting in our room at the guest house, looking out the window at a beautiful country. The weather is gorgeous, sunny but not too hot, and such a nice change from the bitter cold. We arrived about 7 this morning, and got our visas, exchanged some money and began the search for our luggage. The search that is unfortunately on-going. Our bags are 0 for 4, thankfully we each had a carry-on, and Aaron has all his stuff in his, but I just have one extra outfit. That has honestly been pretty hard for me, not having what I need. So ridiculous to care so much about stuff, but when everything else is so unfamiliar, it's just nice to have what makes you comfortable.
We were able to rest quite a bit today and walked around a bit. We also searched and searched for cheap shoes for me. All I have are tall gray boots that were perfect for the plane and walking around London, but not so much for Ethiopia. Two things I have learned: I apparently have big feet, and shoes are expensive! We finally found some after looking for quite a while and going to several different places.
The guest house is great. And everyone who works here is super nice and accommodating. We have eaten all of our meals here so far and the food has been really good and reasonable. Tonight we shared dinner with another adoptive mom from a different agency who is here for her embassy appointment. She has had quite the adventure so far, and has really gone through a lot. Her husband had to return to the states because things were just taking so long, and she still doesn't have an exact date of when she will be returning home and has been here 2 weeks today. It made me think a lot about spiritual warfare, and how there is truly a battle going on here. There are so many kids who need families, and it just seems like Satan is working really hard against that. It also makes me pray, pray, pray. That is truly our greatest weapon and tool, and I don't want to take anything for granted in terms of this trip, and our adoption.
Hope is also 6 months today! It's hard to believe we will actually get to see her tomorrow, and I am so anxious to be with her. They have pretty strict rules about these visits, so I'm not sure exactly what to expect, but I know we will get to see her and hopefully hold her.

Ethiopia trip, day 1

2011-01-30T00:35:00.000-08:00

Saturday, January 29,

I am sitting in the London airport waiting on our last flight that will take us to Ethiopia. It feels like we have been traveling for days, even though our first plane left last night. We dropped the boys off at Aaron's mom's house, and they immediately hit the toys and hardly blinked when we said goodbye. Micah did tell me earlier this week, that he didn't sleep one night because he was so excited for us to leave! Which I am so thankful for. What a blessing and comfort to know they are so fine! :)

Our flight from Omaha to Chicago was a bit late, and we already had a pretty short time in between our flights. So that equaled RUNNING, each of us with a carry-on and personal bag, and making it with 30 seconds to spare. So thankful to have Aaron on this trip! He is such a seasoned traveler, and knows when we need to hurry and where we need to go. There is no way we would have made that flight if we had walked, so it was definitely worth the embarrassment of trying to run with my huge bag and carry-on. The flight from Chicago to London was 7 hours, and we were both able to sleep a little. Although it felt like I didn't sleep at all. Then when we arrived here we had 9 hours until our next flight. We got a bite to eat, freshened up, found a place to store our carry-ons, exchanged some money, and hit the town! Again, thanks to Aaron for figuring all of that out, and for not getting us lost. I sort of just wanted to find our gate and hang out, but it ended up being a good idea to get some fresh air and walk. London was COLD and cloudy, but also beautiful. We saw Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, and Buckingham Palace. Really, most of the buildings are so beautiful, I felt like all of them must be something important! We walked around for about 2 hours and it took about an hour each way to and from the airport, so we had just enough time to get checked in and eat dinner. Of course we had to try fish and chips! Who knows how good they really were, but we were totally impressed and chowed down.

When we checked in with Ethiopian Airlines, we discovered they have a rule about carry-ons we didn't know about. Your carry-on can only be 7 kg, and if it weighs more than that you have to pay 10 pounds/per kg over. Aaron packed EVERYTHING in his carry-on so we could use our checked bags for donation items, so his was way over. Thankfully, we were able to talk to the manager who waived that fee for us. Thank you Lord for that!

So that brings us to right now. This flight leaves in about an hour and is another 8 hours to Ethiopia. We will get there around 7:00am, and hopefully our driver will be there and take us to our guest house. I am so thankful for how the Lord has protected us, allowed us to make our flights, and provided for us so far. Aaron reminded me on the way to dropping the boys off, that this trip is ultimately about Him. About what He wants to do in us, and we need to be open and available to Him.

2 days

2011-01-21T12:09:00.000-08:00

We leave in 2 days. And I am just now realizing to go and see my little girl, I have to leave my little boys. It hit me today when Isaac looked at the pan of muffins on the counter and said, "Mom, are we having pupcakes?!" that I am really going to miss them, and frankly don't want to leave them. This I was not expecting. I was expecting to excitedly usher them to their grandma's house, and hightail it to the airport with hardly a glance over my shoulder. But, I don't think that is actually how it is going to go down. I realized today, I HATE letting go of them. Even if the hands I am leaving them in are wonderfully capable and loving. I want them to be with me always because somehow in my mind that equals safety and protection. And control. I know realistically I do not have control over anything, but I am lulled into thinking that way, and it is a battle I fight all the time. I have been thinking about it in terms of school a ton lately too.
Anyway, 2 days! I have pretty much the boys packed except for last minute things. I am trying this new method of putting all their clothes in bags for each day and then labeling them. So, I have a bag for Monday with their outfits for the day, socks and underwear, etc. I was thinking it would make it easier for Aaron's mom, but I guess we will see! We have two 1/2 big suitcases of donation items, and I will have a suitcase and carry-on. Aaron is going to try and get all of his stuff in his carry-on, but I will have extra room too.
I am feeling so many things right now. It feels surreal and wonderful to be at this point and something I have dreamed about, and yet my heart is a little heavy that I still can't see the end. We don't know if we will pass court, and due to some other circumstances, it is not looking great that we will. I did read this morning in Isaiah 30:18b, For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" I had gone back to this passage because the Lord used it to comfort me when we were waiting for our referral, and He gave me that verse today. He knows the plight of orphans better than anyone, and He loves them more than anyone, so I can rest and trust in His justice and I can wait for Him. So thankful for His gentle shepherding of my heart, and His patience and grace.

happenings

2011-01-12T04:35:00.001-08:00

I can't believe it has almost been a month since my last post! We had a wonderful Christmas, getting to spend time with both sides of our family. I commented to Aaron that this year just felt less frantic, like we could really enjoy Christmas and all of its traditions.
Some things I loved about Christmas this year:
-the boys excitement about decorating for Christmas, and how they remembered certain decorations
-trying new traditions (presents for the animals in the form of pinecones covered with peanut butter and birdseed, making dough ornaments with friends, new pajamas on Christmas Eve, and a special "Santa treasure hunt"
-Sunday lunches eating by the candlelight of our advent wreath and talking about the truths of Christmas

We had Christmas day with Aaron's family, and then decided sort of last minute to travel to Oklahoma the next day to spend time with my family. It was totally worth the extra time and energy to be there, and I am so thankful for a husband who worked so hard to make it happen.

I think we have received two updates on little Hope B. since I last posted and she is doing so well. The last picture we got was her with a hint of a smile, and she has some pretty sweet dimples. She is growing well too, and was about 12 pounds almost a month ago. In every description we get, she is described as happy, calm, and sweet. And we will actually get to be with her in 19 days! We leave January 28 and will arrive in Addis the 30th. Our first scheduled visit with her is Monday the 31st. I got all my shots yesterday and have the sore arm and $400 (!) receipt to prove it. I also tried an "emergency no electricity hair style" if and when we don't have electricity when we are there, and let's just say there might be a whole lot of pictures of Aaron from this trip. My hair is annoyingly in need of hair dryers and flat irons.

Just Sweet

2010-12-14T16:54:00.001-08:00

"I love you so much, you are the greatest mom. You are the best and sweetest mom I ever had."

love,
micah

"Today is a giving day, so today I give my love to you. I love you and want to spend all my time with you.

Love,
Eli

The boys have been making cards lately, and a few weeks ago they dictated these to Aaron for me. Our days are definitely not all sweetness and love, but we do have moments that are. And these I want to remember. :)

Hallelujah!

2010-12-08T04:44:00.000-08:00

Glory, glory hallelujah we have a court date!!! The boys and I went to the library yesterday morning, and I left my phone in the car. Of course that would be when our caseworker called! I checked it when we got back in the van, and saw the red blinking light and the 817 area code, and listened to the message that we had a court date! For some reason I couldn't call her back with the same number, so we hightailed it home. I hurried the boys inside, put on the Pippi Longstocking book on CD for them and called Gladney. Our caseworker was on the phone when I called back, but we finally connected a few minutes later.
Our court date is February 4, which is a Friday, and we need to be there January 30. Our first scheduled visit with Hope B will be on Monday morning, and we will have 1 or 2 more visits with her throughout the week. I just feel like I sighed a huge sigh of relief with that date. What an amazing blessing to have this piece of the puzzle in place and be able to really move forward.
So, the research about plane tickets and accommodations has officially begun! Aaron has been looking here and there at ticket prices for a couple of months, but he is in full on research mode now, trying to find the best deal/time.
We also received another update and picture, which seriously almost made me fall off my chair it was so cute. They had done her hair in little hair ties! So can not handle it!! And just today I got more pictures and a sweet note from another family who had gone to Ethiopia, and offered to visit Hope. They held her and took the above picture of her little feet, which I had never seen before and think are to die for. :) So much to be thankful for, THANK YOU LORD!!!

2010-12-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

*He brought in this entire pile!

This little guy stole my heart yesterday. Well, he has had it for a while, but every so often I am struck by just how sweet he is. Eli and Isaac were still sleeping, and Micah decided we needed to stock up on some firewood. So, he pulled on his shoes and marched out the door and made probably about 10 trips, his arms full of wood. He was so cute, running down the sidewalk to our wood pile, and then staggering back inside with rosy cheeks and a huge smile. I could hardly handle how he looked, and love him so very much! ( I have posts on Eli and Isaac coming up too! :) )

And the waiting continues

2010-12-06T04:55:00.000-08:00

We have still not heard about a court date, and this week will mark the 3rd month (average wait for a court date is 2-3 months). I have had some pretty rough days feeling so down about things, and Friday I finally wrote our caseworker and just asked if she was getting concerned that we hadn't heard anything yet. She was awesome and so encouraging and said there is nothing to be worried about, that some people hear before 3 months and some after.

Saturday morning for my quiet time I read Isaiah 25 (not planned, I am doing BSF and that was one of the passages for this week), and the first verse I read was, "O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you and praise your name for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." God knew we would be on this journey before it ever even crossed our mind, He knew B would need a family, and He has been there through every decision and moment that has brought us to this point. I was blown away by how this verse spoke so completely to just how I have been struggling. Perfect faithfulness, marvelous things, things planned long ago...

And then this morning I read Isaiah 26 3-4, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal. I also read Philippians 4:6-7 (both passages again through BSF) "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. "

I realized over the weekend as I thought over these last almost 3 months of waiting, that I have not been praying as fervently or expectantly for a court date as I think I should be. I have prayed, most definitely, but more in a vague-if this is not the day that's okay- sort of way. Sort of like I am trying to protect myself from getting my hopes up and then being super disappointed when it doesn't happen. What I realized is, I can lay out my hopes and trust and expectations fully for God every day, because who better to leave them with?! Certainly not myself. In trying to protect my heart from disappointment, I have missed a closer relationship with my Savior. If things don't go as I hope, than it will be Him who will be my comfort and strength and give me what I need to do it all again the next day. And He knows exactly what that is, as I think He was maybe trying to show me through those verses. I don't have to hold back with God, I don't have to measure my words, or check my emotions, He can handle it.
I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I feel like I have overcome something in my heart. At least for today. :)

Christmas time!

2010-12-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

As seems to happen every year, suddenly it's December and Christmas is just a few weeks away. I absolutely love this time of year, really from October until about March when the weather starts to warm up again. I love the cold, I love winter clothes, I love cozy houses and fires in the fireplace, and hot chocolate and snow.
We put up our tree and decorations Tuesday and it was by far the best time doing that since we have had kids. Really not stressful, and only 1 ornament casualty. We listened to Christmas music (Sufjan Stevens Holiday and Sara Groves Holiday on Pandora are awesome) and had popcorn and hot chocolate. Eli and Micah especially were so excited to decorate, and super excited for their "activity." All morning as I was bringing up Christmas bins to decorate that night, they kept talking about this "activity." I could not figure out what activity I had promised to do with them, until finally I realized they meant their nativity. My mom gave them the Little People nativity when they were just babies and it is the most loved Christmas decoration we have. It stays packed away until we decorate for Christmas, and it is just so special to them.
They also love their stockings and this year I hung up Hope's stocking. She obviously won't be with us physically this year, but she is constantly on our minds, and it is such a blessing to know her little face.
On another note, suddenly the boys act like they believe in Santa Claus. We made the decision not to make a big deal out of Santa, neither one of us grew up believing in him, so last year we told them he wasn't real. Either they forgot, or never heard us or something, because they have already drawn him like 20 pictures and have plans for letters and cookies for him. And now I don't have the heart to remind them he isn't real! This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Whatever, I tried, they just better not blame me when their little hearts are broken after they really hear the truth. :)

Update 4

2010-11-20T04:26:00.000-08:00

These are a couple of things from Hope's nursery. :)

Last week was sort of like an early Christmas as far as pictures go of our baby girl. We received 3
pictures and a video (!) Monday morning from a sweet family who had traveled to Ethiopia to pick up their son. They were able to go to the home B is in and take pictures for us. It was so great to get more than one picture at a time, I felt like I could get a better idea of what she really looks like now, and the video was beyond words. To see her moving and in "real life" was just so wonderful. And then on Tuesday we got another update from our agency. This was the development and height/weight update, and she is doing great. Growing and reaching little milestones. It is always bittersweet when we get new info about her. So, so thankful she is doing so well and in such good hands, but just bummed they aren't our hands yet. We still have not received word about our court date but are definitely still within the estimated time frame. Can I just say though that these two plus months since we received our referral have seemed longer than the previous 7?!

I think her nursery is just about done. We painted the room and dresser and replaced hardware, got a new light, and hung up some pictures. My aunt is also going to make the bedskirt. I love the room, it is soft and sweet, and just waiting patiently for the baby girl it was made for. I found the little doll online and thought it was so sweet, and the picture is one I had in my room growing up.

I also wanted to write down a question Eli asked me a couple of days ago. We have talked a lot about the adoption pretty much right from the beginning, sometimes they ask questions, but usually they just listen. We had told them baby Hope was in a home with a lot of other babies and that she had people there who were taking care of her. He asked why we needed to adopt her if she had people already taking care of her. I thought that was a good question, and just explained that those people were very kind but they weren't like her family.

I just love walking through this journey with my entire family and seeing how we are all processing and learning about it as we go.

Micah's view

2010-11-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

Micah has shown a recent interest in taking pictures lately. And while most of the ones he takes are blurry, unrecognizable, or unflattering (double chin and rear end shots anyone?), these are some he has taken that I think turned out pretty good.

2010-11-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

I realized I have been writing only about adoption stuff lately, meanwhile life with my boys is marching right on. Tonight we celebrated the first snowfall of the season (it actually snowed Friday night but this was the first night we were home since then) with our first fire in the fireplace and smores! Although for everyone except Aaron and I, it was marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate all separate. Not a one of them likes real smores, too much of a mess they tell me. This coming from three boys who can be covered with dirt, sand, and mud up to their ears and not mind at all. Anyway, I am always on the lookout for new traditions, and I hope this one will stick.

I have also been doing preschool at home with them this year. I never actually thought I would homeschool, but just sensed the Lord leading us this way as we started the process of thinking about school. I am just taking it one year at a time, but do plan on doing school at home with them for kindergarten as well. I started out with grand plans and ideas of all of us starting promptly at 9:00 every morning gathered around our table listening attentively and participating actively in each day's lesson. I'm not sure that even made it one day. I do remember Isaac screaming and launching himself across the table to grab a crayon our first day and things going downhill pretty rapidly after that. I have really tried to relax in my approach and make it more about having fun than meeting my expectations. I try to have some one on one time with each of them a couple times each week to work on reading, and we are doing a letter of the week, lots of me reading to them, and other little easy projects. When it clicks it is really fun, and I love seeing them learn new things and get excited. But it is also hard. It's hard to engage them all at once and feel like I am teaching them anything that is helpful or that matters. I also struggle with feeling they are missing out on experiences or activities in a classroom. I do feel good overall about it though, I just realized that even if you do what you feel like the Lord is leading you to do, it can still be hard frustrating. I sure do love hanging out with them though, and consider it such a gift.

Update 3

2010-11-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Well, my titles are ridiculously uninspired! I guess I am feeling a little uninspired lately. Some days I feel fine and strong, and then other days are filled with this anxiety about waiting. I have so been trying to meditate and think about TRUTH, but those doubts and questions are always right around he corner, threatening to pull me in. I do love that we get updates regularly and we received this one last Tuesday. This is what they said about our sweet girl,
"B is a very alert and sweet baby! I found her sunbathing this morning at her foster care home with the most content look on her face. She seemed to be taking in all the noises and sights of the other babies and caregivers close by. She had lots of waving arms and active hands as she continually grasped for things around her. When the sun hit her face just right, she would let out the cutest sneezes and then a huge smile would light up her face. Such a doll!" Her picture was also my favorite one yet, and I was again blown away by how much she had changed.

Yesterday I told Aaron that I thought I would just have this little bit of depression hanging over my head until we heard about our court date. He looked at me and said, "Well, that would sure be a waste." Not in a snotty or rude way, but just honestly. And you know what, he is so right. Why would I choose depression instead of joy? Why focus on the negative instead of being thankful? There is a reason we have not been given a court date, and if we do not hear today, it is good. Because God knows when we need to be in Ethiopia, and we will not be there until that time. And that is good. And I trust Him.

Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

Update #2

2010-10-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, the 15th, we received our 2nd update about B. And another picture! And it was cute! I was beyond excited to see her again, I didn't think we would for another month. She is growing and has changed so much. I started crying when I saw her because she just looked so adorable and it is so hard to not be with her. I noticed right away that her hair was so much curlier, and her cheeks had filled out. She doesn't have that "newborn" look anymore, just cute babyness. :) She is 2.5 months now, 9 pounds and 20 inches, and her developmental chart looks good.
I have been thinking a lot lately about waiting and "waiting well." A friend recently posted several verses about waiting and faith that were so encouraging. (I am posting one of them!) So often I operate in my own strength and depend on my own abilities which ends up being empty and discouraging. But, filling my mind and heart with truth and choosing to believe what I KNOW instead of dwelling on the myriad of things I don't, brings peace. I don't know when we we travel and bring her home, but I do know that her Creator loves her more than I could ever imagine, and will continue to take care of her and watch over her until and after we bring her home with us. I am choosing to dwell on that, day by day.

"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5

Potty-training

2010-10-16T13:11:00.000-07:00

We are potty-training Isaac this weekend, and as much as I was dreading it, he is doing really well. Potty-training Eli and Micah was so hard. I didn't really know what I was doing and there were two of them which unfortunately equaled A LOT of frustration on my part. I just remember it as being awful. So, I was definitely not looking forward to conquering this little milestone with Isaac. We started Friday, and I have just tried to be extra patient, somewhat matter-of-fact, and excited for him when he has success. I think he has more juice in the last two days than in his whole life! :) He has started going on his own with me here, but I left last night to go out with a couple friends, and again this morning to go to the grocery store, and he did have an accident each time with Aaron. So, we are not there yet, but getting closer! We set aside this weekend to be home and really give him the attention he needs. He actually gets upset when he has an accident, which I don't remember with Eli and Micah, and seems to get how it all works. Here's hoping anyway!

Waiting

2010-10-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

Our family, not yet complete. :)

I am terrible at waiting. It doesn't seem to matter what I am waiting for when I have an idea about something, I want to do it right away. Waiting up to this point for our baby has not been an issue. The paperwork was overwhelming and hard and seemed never-ending at times, but the end result was still fuzzy. I knew what we were working toward, but in a much less concrete way.
Now I have seen my baby. I have read and re-read everything there is to know about her. I have pored over every picture and studied her face so closely. And I want her home. I want to hold her and kiss her cheeks. Suddenly the wait is DRAGGING on, and it hasn't even been two months since we received her referral. The logical side of me knows we could easily have another 3 months before we even have a court date, which we may not even pass. If we dont' pass then we could wait another couple of months for a new court date, and another couple of weeks before we would travel after that. That is definitely a worst case scenario, but it could happen. All the while she is growing and changing.
We do have things to do to get ready for her, and I do have three other little balls of energy that need me, but I do think about her all day long. Wondering, praying, hoping that we will be with her soon.
Tonight we have our homestudy update (it's been a year already!), which I am not really concerned about at all. I need to do some cleaning, but our caseworker is super sweet, and does a great job at making you feel comfortable.
I am just in this funk about waiting, trying to prepare myself for the worst, but at the same time hoping so much for the best.

YES

2010-10-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about how much I say the word "no." It is almost automatic. It's my first reaction and instinct. Even my boys often will ask me something beginning with, "I think you will probably say no to this, but..." Yikes! I do not want that to be how they think of me, as the mom who always said no. So, I have been putting forth a real effort lately to catch myself saying no, and instead say yes. Because, really most of the time when I say no, it's not because what they are asking is something dangerous or harmful, it's more because it will require a little more of me and I just don't "feel" like it.

I have realized that now we are moving past the physically demanding aspect of parenting, (the things you do because you really have no choice, babies simply cannot feed, change, carry themselves, etc.), that my choices still need to be unselfish ones. Parenting is still not about me, and I still need to be unselfish 99% of the time to be the best mom I can be for them.

So, I am choosing to say yes. Choosing to say yes to, "Mom, can I switch around all the silverware?, Mom, can I help you make supper? Mom, can I put paper balls all over my room?, Mom, can we watch something?, Mom, can we have pancakes
for lunch? Mom, can I do it by myself?"

It's so hard for me to be unselfish and let go of how I think things should be, but I think about my Father, and His grace, patience, abundant blessing, and love toward me, and that is the kind of relationship I want to offer my boys.

Lately

2010-10-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I am seriously doubting I will ever go back and finish the posts I started several weeks ago, so here's to starting fresh right where we are! :) The boys and I just returned from a GREAT week in Oklahoma to visit my family. Going to Nana and Papa's house is always such a highlight, and the boys were so excited to go. Aaron had to stay home which was the only bummer about the trip, but I appreciate so much his willingness to be lonely for a week so we could have fun.

The boys immediately dived into the world of nerf guns, gi joes, knights, and disney channel, and I blissfully sank into the world of no dinner making or cleaning. :) Really, my parents do so much to make us feel welcome and loved, and their home is one of the only places I can truly relax.

Some of the highlights:

My mom teaches Kindermusik, and is amazing, so we were able to go to several classes with her. Eli and Micah have done it with her since they were babies when she would come up here to visit us, and Isaac hasn't done it quite as much, but loves it too.

My brothers were around a lot too, which was so fun. My boys adore their uncles, and basically stay as close to them as possible wherever they are. One night my brother Andy had a movie night with them. He took them to rent a movie (Kung Foo Panda) and let them pick out any snack they wanted. They all three came marching through the door when they got home with HUGE bags of jelly bellies and equally huge smiles on their faces.

My mom also took me shopping and out to lunch for my birthday, which hasn't happened in years, and I was reminded as I always am when we are together how much I love her and our relationship. We ate lunch at a great restaurant that we both love, and one we used to go to every once in awhile on our shopping trips.

One night my dad and I took the boys to see my brother Ben coach his junior high football team. We lasted until half time, and then went to Orange Leaf, an awesome frozen yogurt place where you pick your flavor and toppings. Another big hit with my guys! :)

We also went to this great farm, pumpkin patch, corn maze. We were the only ones there and had such a blast! We saw tons of animals, the boys got to ride ponies, and we all went on a hayrack ride and through a corn maze.

It was just a great trip, and such a refreshment for me. Thanks Dad and Mom!

Update

2010-10-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

We received our first update about B! We were told we would receive updates once a month, and I have been eagerly checking my e-mail for the last week hoping to learn more about our baby girl. It is so good to know she is doing well, and hearing and seeing anything about her is a million times better than nothing, even if it is short! Here is what they said about her:
"B—What a beautiful, delicate little doll! B is calm and seems to enjoy a good cuddle. She stares at every thing in wide-eyed wonder. Today, when I visited with her, she was wide awake while her buddies were sleeping. She just lay there, quietly, seemingly listening to all that was going on around her: caregivers talking, doors shutting, babies crying in other rooms. Before long, though, she had nodded off into a peaceful sleep. She had enough of being awake and needed to get back to her favorite activity at this point in her little life." So sweet!

We will hear about her weight and length and developmental milestones around the 15th of each month, and around the 1st of the month we receive pictures and personality descriptions. I sometimes just ache thinking about her, holding her, kissing her cheeks, and introducing her to her three big brothers. Praying our dossier will move quickly through the court!

REFERRAL!!!

2010-09-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

So, I have been terrible at blogging lately, and have three other posts that I have started but never finished. Including two monthly updates about our referral wait for months 6 and 7. And then yesterday at about 2:45 or so we got THE CALL!!!

Let me begin by saying I was not expecting it to come until at least October, maybe even November. The average wait time has been 8ish months which would have put us in October. I just didn't want to get my hopes up too much. Anyway, Aaron thought it would be sooner, but it just wasn't really on my radar yet. I was trying to keep my phone closer to me and actually have it on ringer instead of vibrate though, just in case. So, I was folding clothes and my phone rang and it was a Texas number which made my heart jump just a little, and then when I answered it was our case worker, which made it jump a little more, but she was totally calm and didn't give me any reason to think anything until she said, "Well, this is it!" And then I freaked out! I couldn't breathe, I started crying, couldn't talk, but we somehow managed to figure out that I would call Aaron, have him come home, and then call her back.

Waiting for Aaron to come home (all 15 minutes of it) was excruciating! But finally he was here, and we sat down and called our caseworker and she sent us 9 pictures and all the info on our sweet baby girl. She is tiny, just 6 weeks old and not quite 6 pounds. She has huge dark eyes, lots of soft dark hair, and cute little lips. We can't post any pictures or her name on blogs or public sites until we pass court, but she is precious. My heart is aching to be with her, and I think the hardest part of this journey for us has just started. I am so thankful though, that she is safe and being cared for until we can be with her.

The courts are still closed, until September 28th, and then our agency will submit our files and we will wait for our court date, probably another 3 months or so after they open. Then we will travel for our courtdate, and then again for our embassy appointment. So, we still have several months yet to go, but lots to prepare and 3 other little guys here to keep us moving and busy.

Yesterday was a great day, thank you Lord for the gift of seeing her face.

Isaacisms

2010-08-19T04:47:00.001-07:00

There are some super cute things that Isaac says that I want to get down before I forget them, because I know I will! He is talking so much, and almost always in sentences. I love hearing what he has to say, and how he says it. I should maybe start correcting him about some of them, so he actually learns how to say them at some point, but they are just too cute!

Some of my favorites:
Motorcycn-Motorcycle
Clip Clops- Flip Flops
Cecil- Cereal
Hippos- pillows

"That's grossy!" (says this mostly about food at dinnertime, kid is NOT into eating dinner)
"Meany Peany" (his go-to insult)

He is SUCH an easy kid one-on-one, so sweet and so cute. The trouble starts when the big brothers are around, and all too often, three is just a crowd. He competes for attention, and toys and tries to let us all know LOUD and clear that he is not a baby and will NOT be pushed around.

He also pushes limits more than the other two did. Literally tonight Aaron said jokingly, "Isaac, don't push it." And he replied, "I want to; push, push, push." He definitely challenges me on new levels, but also melts my heart in new ways, and I cherish my moments with him.

5

2010-07-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

*this picture has nothing to do with our adoption, but I was looking
for something with the number 5 in it, and there are five kiddos! Our
boys plus their cousins. :)

Friday marked month 5 of being on the waiting list. I did it again to myself, started anticipating it a couple of weeks before, so on the actual day it seemed like it should have actually been month 6. But, I feel pretty confident that we are over the half-way point with waiting for the referral. The longest anyone has waited for a child in our age range, is 8 1/2 months, so we are getting closer!

I go through different times of being incredibly excited and positive, to other times when I feel worried and overwhelmed about the responsibility we are taking on. Raising a child from another culture we know nothing about, bonding/attaching, the changes our family will experience, etc. I feel more strongly about adoption than ever, and can NOT WAIT to meet our daughter, but sometimes I just feel really freaked out.

I have started praying with the boys individually in their beds, and every night Micah wants to pray for "baby Hope." They have started talking more about her too. Even Isaac. Last Sunday I went to get him from the nursery and he saw a car seat sitting on the floor. He asked, "Baby Hope in there?" And his teacher overheard and said he had been talking about her! Too cute!

Daddy's trip

2010-07-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

This summer is suddenly flying by. To me it seemed like May dragged on a bit, but then I blinked and June was over!
Aaron left this morning for a trip to Zambia. This is his fourth time to go, first time leading the trip. I already miss him like crazy, but I also just feel so proud of him. He has had a heart for missions since I think high school, and pictured himself being a full-time missionary overseas. That obviously hasn't happened yet, but I am so thankful for the opportunities he has had to share this love with others. And I feel like finally I am at a point where I understand more of this love he has, and can fully support him in it. And for the first time, I wish I could have gone too.

It is definitely a lot of work for everyone involved. I don't think Aaron has gone to bed before midnight for about the last two weeks, just trying to prepare not only for the trip, but also work stuff while he is gone. But he handles it with such grace and strength. And he still takes care of us too. Checking in with me consistently to see if I need him to do anything, and playing and being with the boys, making sure they are in bed before holing up in his office! :)
There were some tears this morning from Micah, and Eli was really sad on the way home. Isaac saw Aaron's truck when we got back home from the airport, and announced, "Daddy's home!", so I don't think he quite knows what is going on. :)

I started this a few days ago, so here is a little update on what we have been up to while Daddy is gone.
1. My mom came! Woo Hoo! Having her here is always such a joy, and it has been a tremendous help especially with Aaron gone.
2. Fish! Eli and Micah convinced their Nana they needed pets, and so she bought them betas, which they named Jack (Micah) and Bolt (Eli). Eli changed the name of his fish, I think 4 times. First it was Harry, then Angelfire, then Fireangel, and now Bolt.
3. Toy Story! I took Eli and Micah to see Toy Story 3 while Isaac finished his nap with Nana. They loved it, although Micah got a little scared.
4. Pizza, hamburgers, and donuts! Just tradition when Nana comes.
5. Project! The boys made t-shirts with Nana and I today. Micah wanted a race track, and Eli wanted a rainbow, snakes, and water with a boat and fish. Isaac's has different sports balls on it.
6. Picnics and the park! We are trying to wear the boys out each day, so going to the park and having a picnic is a great way to do that. Especially when the park is on the other side of a 1/2 mile pedestrian bridge!

So, all in all we are having fun and staying busy. Eli did say last night that he, "didn't feel good, he didn't feel right, he missed daddy." He seems the most affected at this point, but I know Micah and Isaac miss him too, they just don't verbalize it the same way.

2010-06-24T13:26:00.001-07:00

I have had a great week with the boys and just wanted to document that! :) We all had to go grocery shopping together Monday, which I normally avoid at all costs, but had no other good options this week. It definitely had the potential to be horrible, being we had to go to two stores, and one of them was Wal-Mart, but the boys did great. The little bag of snacks I brought for them was a major contributing factor in that I think.
The next day we went to the library, which also has the potential of being horrible. Mostly because of Isaac. He gets this desire to run and scream when I bring him back, which always sounds amplified in a hushed library. But he did not do that this time, he stayed right with me! And for once we were not the noisiest family there! Woo Hoo! I have so much compassion for moms with little ones who are just being little ones and all that that entails, but I also have to say I felt so relieved to have boys that behaved for once, and that I did not vow to never return there again on our way out! :)
Today has also gone well. We all made summer journals together, which I saw on several other blogs, and practiced writing in them today. My goal for the boys is to have them be able to write their names by the end of the summer, so today we practiced their first letters, E and M. Isaac has one too, but his will be filled whatever his little heart desires. Currently, lots and lots of scribbles. :) I have also been seriously considering trying homeschooling, at least for preschool and kindergarten, so I think it will be a good introduction to that too. After that we read on the porch swing for almost an hour, those boys will read FOREVER, ate an early lunch and headed to the pool! I have never taken the three of them by myself, but we have this great little leisure pool right down the street. It is only 2 feet deep and zero entry, so it's perfect for them right now. Eli and Micah loved it and Isaac did too, so I am thinking that may become a new fun thing for us to do.
Anyway, I know that things sort of swing like a pendulum around here from great to not so great, and I wanted to make sure and get down a week that is going great!

There is No Me Without You

2010-06-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished this book, There is No Me Without You, by Melissa Fay Green. I have been thinking about it nonstop since I started it, and really do not have the words to describe what is has done to my heart. Broken it, stirred it, compelled it, motivated it, all would apply. There is no way I can adequately describe or explain what is going on in Ethiopia, and really all over the world concerning orphans, but if you want a picture of it, read this book. And we all should be aware of these needs.
It is about an Ethiopian woman who found herself taking in orphans, many of them orphaned by AIDS, and the stories behind the statistics. You can really get lost in statistics, they becomes just numbers and not people, they don't seem real, there is no connection. But, when you get to know who those statistics are, when you see a face, hear a name, or hear a story, it changes everything. I read about a 3 year old girl and her 1 year old brother who watched both parents suffer a painful death from AIDS, and then go through more heart wrenching trauma when their remaining family members left them in an orphanage so they would not die of starvation. I was overwhelmed thinking about all of these children who need help, who are suffering in every way imaginable. And literally millions more, just in Ethiopia alone whose stories were not written down, but are in the same situation or even worse.
I have begun to realize how much of my life is about my comfort. I spend my days trying to make things easier for myself, looking forward to the next fun thing we have coming up, or my next opportunity to have a break and spend some time by myself. Meanwhile, children are suffering and dying, many of them alone. Is there a worse thought than that? A child in pain, with no one to hold and comfort them?
A couple of days ago Isaac was having some tummy trouble, and had a blowout diaper in his bed, requiring a bath, clean sheets and fresh pajamas. The thought that kept coming into my mind was, what about all the kids who don't have anyone to clean them up when they are sick? No one to gently wash them up, change them and rock them back to sleep?
I also have been thinking a lot about why I was chosen to grow up in America, with more than enough of everything. Could a big part of that reason be, so I could help others? So I could be an answer to someone's prayers? I remember from another book, The Hole in Our Gospel, that the author, Richard Stearns had traveled to another country and helped a woman in poverty. I think he helped her medically, but am not totally sure. Anyway, he wrote that she had been praying for years that God would provide for her. And God did provide, through this man. I just can't help but feel that there is so much more than working your whole life for a nice house, fashionable clothes, and fun vacations. Maybe part of that "more" is being an answer to someone else's prayers.
I know that nothing I am writing is new or things that we have never heard before, I have heard these things my whole life. But something is changing in my heart, and I am completely convinced that what I am currently doing to help orphans is no where near enough, and probably never will be.

2010-06-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

My parents came and spent about a week with us in the beginning of June. We absolutely LOVE spending time with them, and were counting down both the days before they came, and also how many days we had left with them once they were here. We have definitely developed some traditions when they come and stay with us including, pizza, doughnuts, hamburgers, reading books, and on this visit, swinging on the front porch swing.
I have always been close with my parents, and so very thankful for them, but living far away really heightens those feelings. I treasure the time we get to spend together, look forward to it so much and do not take if for granted.
This visit my dad wanted to be available to help my aunts and grandma with things around their house since my grandpa passed away, but he still found time to mow, paint our van, and help my mom wash all of our downstairs windows. I also think I only cooked dinner twice, they either took us out, or my mom even made dinner one evening. Seriously, they are such a tremendous blessing to us, and I am SO thankful my boys have them as their Papa and Nana.

swimming lessons

2010-06-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

Eli and Micah finished up their first ever 2 weeks of swimming lessons! They loved them, and were super cute. I wasn't sure what class they should take, so I called to talk with someone about what they would recommend. I said they had never had a lesson before, but were not afraid of the water and would jump in and go completely under. The person I talked to recommended the class I signed them up for, and we showed up ready to go. Isaac was pretty sad at first that he wasn't going to swim too. He tried to find his swimming suit as we were getting ready, and wore his goggles in the van. :)

The boys were by far, the smallest and youngest in the class, the oldest boy was probably 9 or 10 and the biggest boy had at least 50 pounds on them. So, I could immediately see that this was probably not the right class for them, but their teacher encouraged them to stay anyway. They actually did great, they have no fear and tried their very hardest on each new skill they tried. By the end, they mastered floating and are really close to being able to swim underwater on their own. I loved watching them, especially when they would come up out of the water, eyes wide open and huge smiles on their faces.

2010-06-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

These three have been playing so well together the last couple of days. Yesterday they played all morning, with just a couple of interventions.

I almost didn't know what to do with myself. Almost. :)

Lists

2010-05-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

* the boys being Indians (?)

The other day Eli and Micah wanted to make "lists." They brought us a piece of paper and pen, and wanted to hold the pen with us as we wrote down what they told us. I think they are supposed to be a list of things they like, but a couple of times they sort of diverged from that a little bit. :) We just wrote exactly what they told us, if it made sense or not. After we made them, they wanted me to read them out loud over and over, and they would just dissolve in giggles!

Eli's List
1. Sally (his stuffed monkey he sleeps with)
2. Sarah (both my cousin who babysits, and another stuffed monkey, Sally's mother, that he sleeps with)
3. Polar bear (the bear he got from my brother and sister-in-law for being their ring bearer)
4. Batman shirt
5. Batman underwear
6. Lightning McQueen pajamas
7. Mountain Lions
8. I want mom to stay home (apparently I had gone out for the evening)
9. I love mom
10. I think you're special
11. Daddy's thumb is super big
12. I like eating popcorn during movies
13. Summer shirts (sleeveless shirts)
14. Shorts
15. Going on a trip
16. Granola
17. Mom
18. Dad
19. Workers
20. Our house is so pretty
21. Diego legos are my best
22. Frogs
23. Saw a frog at the pond
24. Caught 3 fish
25. Saw a waterfall and so many dead fish
26. Making a mask
27. I'm glad I went to Wal-Mart with mom really early
28. Going to the Jungle at the zoo
29. Honey
30. Tag baba (his little blanket he sleeps with that he has had since he was a baby)
31. Super heroes
32. Chocolate milk
33. Coloring
34. Eating cereal
35. Fishing

Micah's list
1. Lion (stuffed animal he sleeps with)
2. Playing games
3. Super heroes
4. Chuckie Cheese
5. Toys at the store
6. Bounce U, because we got a pen
7. Hiking
8. Camping
9. Fishing
10. Bringing lunch when we go fishing
11. My mom and dad are the best
12. Eli is my best brother
13. Seeing animals
14. Going to the museum
15. Riding on trains
16. Going to the zoo
17. Making crafts
18. Going to preschool
19. Eating snacks and watching a movie
20. Predators
21. Eating dessert and watching a movie
22. Climbing trees
23. Wish I could be someone who saves people by swinging through the jungle
24. Painting, coloring, and writing pictures
25. Going to the farm
26. Nana and Papa's house
27. Getting magazines in the mail, and reading books
28. Playing
29. Running races
30. Bugs
31. Eating candy

Isaac turns 2

2010-05-23T13:00:00.001-07:00

Today is Isaac's 2nd birthday! I seriously feel like this kid was a baby for like an hour. He has grown up SO fast! He is such a sweet boy, makes us laugh all the time, lets us know LOUD and clear when he is not happy about something, and reminds me constantly of the joys of being a mom.

Aaron and I put up our now expected birthday decorations, which received HUGE smiles when we came downstairs, I made chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for breakfast, and then we headed to church. Tonight Aaron's mom, sister and family, and my grandma and aunts are coming over for dinner to help us celebrate this sweet boy.

His labor and delivery were so different from Eli and Micah's. He was 5 days late, and I had not experienced the 9th month of pregnancy before, so I was in for a VERY rude awakening! I went to the hospital so my mid-wife could break my water, and I sort of thought maybe I could do the whole natural childbirth thing. However, when I realized that was NOT something I wanted to do, he came so quickly the epidural did not have a chance to work. It was fast though, so that was very good! He was also so much bigger than the twins, 8.8lbs to their 5.8.

What I remember most about Isaac as an infant, is how much I feel like I enjoyed him. Having twins right off the bat was a very frantic experience for me. I never felt like I could just relax and enjoy them, it was always feeding, changing, and sleeping But with Isaac, I could take my time nursing, hold him a little longer, rock him a little more without having another baby waiting for me to finish.

Isaac is really talking up a storm these days. He is a little parrot and will repeat anything and everything you say. He is also great at climbing, jumping, and running. He basically runs everywhere he goes. I love when I get him dressed in the morning and as soon as his little toes hit the floor, he takes off! He is really loving being able to walk/run by himself when we go out, and often has this huge smile on his face. In fact when we left church today he was walking out the door on his own and someone said, "He looks so happy!"

Some of my favorite things he says and does are,
-"I did it!" (after doing just about everything)
-making a little gun with his fingers and shooting things (which does not sound all that cute, but his gun sound is like a little grunt)
-when he rides on your back or anything rides on anyone's back he calls it their backpack. So if he rides on Daddy's back, he is "Daddy's backpack"
-when Eli or Micah are bugging him he says in a very urgent voice to anyone around, "Wook, wook!"
-he loves to "rock rock" before nap or bed. He is still a cuddler! And at this point in time he still prefers me to rock him, and has asked for me instead of Dad. :) Which I just love! Being a mom with 3 boys, I have nothing over their dad, so when someone actually wants me instead of Dad, I eat that up!
-when he gives you a hug, he basically just leans into you
-he thinks he is four, that is how old he says he is when you ask him

Isaac, I love you so much! You are such a precious blessing to our family, you make us laugh, and amaze us with how much you are learning and how fast you are growing. Thank you for being such a light in our family!

daddy day

2010-05-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday Aaron took all three boys on a "Daddy Day," for the entire day. It was part of my Mother's Day present, and it was awesome. He was so sweet about it, and really wanted to be out of the house the whole day, so he made all these plans. They left about 9:15 and got home at 5:30.They went to a park, Bounce U, McDonald's, fishing, and hiking. Just thinking about that is exhausting and super stressful to me! He said it was great, all except for some meltdowns about naptime when they were fishing. :)

It was such a gift to have that time to myself. Time to leisurely take a shower and get ready, casually browse through stores I never go to anymore, read on our porch swing, and visit a friend who had just had a baby. I fully appreciated it, and the sacrifice of my husband, giving up any downtime for himself so I could have a whole day.

It was also such a great reminder of how much I love my boys, and miss them and all their crazy noise when they are gone. All four of them crashed HARD that night, such great memories!

2010-05-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

-The number of boys under 5 I have in my house
-The number of times I have moved in my whole life
-How many brothers I have
-How many months we have been on the waiting list!!!

3!!

We have now been on the waiting list for a little over 3 months. For some reason, I thought this time would be going by a bit more quickly than it is. Maybe that is partly because I start anticipating another month down, 2 weeks before we are there!

I have been thinking about our girl so much. She is always on my mind, but I have felt off and on much more of a burden for her. I have also been thinking about her birth family, especially her mother, and just praying that she/they would find healing and peace in Jesus. I also had the realization of how important my prayers are for her (duh!). My boys, and Aaron and I have entire families full of Godly men and women who pray for us faithfully. But my girl may not, and we might be the only ones she has who are praying for her. That may not be true, and I really hope it is not, but wow, if it is, how huge it is that we are praying faithfully for her!

I have started my required Hague adoption training and have been feeling a little overwhelmed. I haven't read anything completely new, but I think the reality has begun to hit me about how big international adoption really is. There are so many unknowns, and circumstances completely out of our control, and that can be pretty scary. Again, I knew this on some level, but reading hours and hours of articles really hammers it home! I know that God has led us here and will continue to lead us, and I am still as excited and pumped about adoption as ever, but I am realizing that it is so much more than that moment when you bring that child into your home. (of course!) There are questions that will probably never be answered, and circumstances we will never fully understand. I think what scares me the most is having our daughter grow up and have questions that we cannot adequately answer that will lead her to experience pain, rejection, isolation, and doubts about who she is. I hate thinking about not being able to comfort her and have the words to bring healing to her broken heart. I have been thinking a lot about how you talk to your child about their adoption, what to say, what not to say, how honest to be, how you explain abandonment, etc. I think one of the hardest parts is just all of the unknowns.

I guess the important thing is to focus on what I do know. What I know about God, His provision, His love, and His presence. It will be hard, there will be questions that have no answers, there will be things I can never understand. But we are not in this alone, and the One who has gone before us, is also going with us, and behind us, and I can place all my trust in Him.

red wagons and white flowers

2010-04-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday did not start out well. It was one of those days that you wake up just feeling off. Maybe you had a weird dream, maybe you missed your alarm and didn't make it to the gym, maybe you are a bit more hormonal than normal, whatever the reason, you wake up with a little black cloud above your head. Well, that was me, and to top it off we had to take our van into the shop, meaning the boys and I were stuck at home all day. I have no problem being home, I like it actually, but there is a definite difference between choosing to stay home and being forced to stay home. It was also really windy, (I detest the wind), so in my mind going on a walk or to the park was also out of the question. I'm sure the boys pick up on my moods, and are affected by them, so they seemed a little out of sorts too. Picking on each other, following me around, lots of whining, etc. I decided we needed an activity to make the endless morning go a little faster, and chose to make cookies. This is something that tests my patience on good days, so I'm not really sure why I decided to attempt it yesterday, but I did. The four of us were all crammed into the corner of the kitchen, each trying to find a spot on about 12 inches of countertop. At one point all three boys were on one chair, pushing, crying, and falling. We finally figured out placement for everyone, and I frantically started making the cookies with little arms and fingers shooting out all over the place. Finally the cookies were made and the mess cleaned up, and it was still only 10:00! So, out the door we went for some fresh air and space to move without tripping all over each other. That actually was just what everyone needed, and the boys were soon enthralled with their daily bug hunting and digging. A few minutes later I hear them say, "Mom, don't come over here yet, we are making a surprise for you." Oh great, basically that can be interpreted as, "Mom, don't come over here because we are making you a surprise that will actually be more like a huge mess for you to clean up!" But I thought, we are outside, and virtually any mess can be cleaned up, and for crying out loud they are playing on their own, so I left them be. Pretty soon I was summoned to see the surprise, so I tried to sound excited as I said, "I'm coming!", all the time dreading what I would find when I turned the corner. Well, I come around the corner and there they are, both grinning from ear to ear standing in front of their red wagon. There is no mess that I can see, and then they lift up the seat of the wagon which they have filled with these little white flowers. They filled a wagon with flowers for me! I literally had to sit down I was so surprised. Here I was super annoyed thinking about the mess I was going to have to clean up, and how this was just adding to the terrible day I was having, and they had actually thought about what I would like and took time to make something so sweet. They had thought about me! I just heard a speaker at a women's event talk about how as a mom you feel kind of invisible. There are just things you are expected to do, and no one thanks you or acknowledges that you have done them, they just expect they will be done. Well, I guess I felt noticed by my boys, and that was enough to literally turn the day around for me. It was like a rainbow appeared through my black cloud, and I was able to refocus on the multitude of things I have to be thankful for. Which I know sounds so pathetic, but I tell you what, these little guys have my heart, and when they are able to give back to me just a little, it actually ends up meaning a whole lot. All because of a red wagon full of white flowers!

brothers

2010-04-09T13:15:00.001-07:00

I have been enjoying watching my three boys interact more and more together. Isaac still gets left in the dust constantly, but he seemed to have been born trying to catch up to his brothers in every way. And I am predicting he will outweigh them in the not too distant future! He adores them and just wants to do everything they do. Today we were all outside enjoying an amazing spring day and Eli and Micah were running races. They love to race, inside, outside, anywhere, and Isaac has been doing his best to race with them for a couple of months now. After they had run several races Eli and Micah plopped down to take a rest and I watched as Isaac came up right beside Micah and sat down. He looked over at Micah, who was fiddling with his shoes, and Isaac started fiddling with his shoes. Then Micah folded his hands in his lap, and Isaac looked over and did the exact same thing. And he kept glancing over at Micah to make sure he was still doing the same thing Micah was doing. Then Micah jumped up and announced something, and sure enough, Isaac jumped up and announced the same thing, in his cute little voice. I just about died, my heart actually hurt I though it was so cute!
Eli and Micah have also picked up on the fact that Isaac will repeat anything they say. We were in the car yesterday and I hear from the back, "Isaac, say Great Big Poop, say Great Big Poop, Isaac!" And sure enough, Isaac's little voice pipes up, "Great Bid Poop!", and the three of them burst out laughing. And as totally inappropriate as it was, it was pretty funny. Either that or I have been around too many boys for way too long!

My 2 are 4!!

2010-04-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Eli and Micah! I seriously cannot believe you are 4, that seems so grown up and big! I can still remember with crystal clarity every part of my pregnancy with you as well as your grand entrance into the world.
The night after you were born I laid both of you side by side in front of me on a pillow and just gazed at you. You were finally here and my dreams of being a mom had come true. You were tiny and perfect and sweet, and I just could not get enough of you.
Your dad and I discovered that this birthday was a pretty big deal to you. You remembered from last year things we had done and you really understood that it was your birthday and all that entails. You were so excited about the decorations we put up and gave us big hugs when you came downstairs that morning and saw them. You also were excited about being able to plan your birthday menu for the day: Chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for breakfast, corn-dogs, Cheetos, and lemonade for lunch, and pizza for supper. We invited some family over to have some spiderman cake with us after supper which made you feel very special.

Micah, I just want you to know I love you so very much. You have an infectious laugh and sparkle in your eyes that I just love to see. You are so interested in how things work and love asking questions. You are friendly and kind and have an amazing imagination. I love hearing what is on your mind and you have stumped me more than once with your questions and thoughts. Micah you have such a sweet heart and I love your hugs.

Eli, you are such a special boy. I love your easy laugh and how you love to joke around. I love to cuddle with you and watch you run and jump around. You have the greatest facial expressions and it is never hard to tell what you are feeling! Eli, I love watching you play with Isaac and read books to him. You are so funny and already have a great sense of humor. You also love to help me and your dad.

I love that both of you love bugs, dirt, and adventures, as well as books and music. I love your insatiable curiosity and your hilarious honesty. You both have kept your dad and I on our toes since you were born and given us some great stories to tell! I love you so very much and there is no where in the world I would rather be than home with you everyday.

busy

2010-03-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

This has been a crazy month, and it has flown by. Aaron is in Haiti right now with a team from our church and the boys and I are in Oklahoma (woo hoo!). Between all of his trip preparations, (he also is leading the team) we also celebrated Eli and Micah's 4th birthday. And before that Aaron and I got to go to a Weekend to Remember conference, which was awesome. And before that, we found out some news about our adoption.
Not the "call everyone you know because it is so great news," more like the "wow, that was unexpected news." We found out a couple of weeks ago that the Ethiopian government changed their regulation about traveling and now we will need to make two trips to Ethiopia. The first one for our court date over there after we accept the referral, and the second one when we travel to pick up our daughter.
Our agency has done a great job keeping us as updated as possible as well as preparing us from the beginning for the up and down journey that is international adoption. I am not altogether sure why the rule was changed, but I am definitely in support of anything that is for the best interests of the children and for their benefit. And I am thankful that we have several months to plan and prepare for this change. I know there are families who have been waiting 7 months and could get their referral any day who now have weeks to get things ready.
On a happier adoption note, I have been gathering things here and there for Hope. I found a super cute rug on major clearance from Target that I am planning on using in her room. And a couple of people have given us little girl clothes which has been so fun! I can already tell we are going to have some issues in that department, girl clothes are just so stinkin cute!!! I also found a little ornament around Christmas time of a little black angel, super sweet. And I think the last item I have is matching bracelets for Hope and I from another family raising money for their adoption. I know we have many months ahead of us, and I am prepared for a long wait, but doing little things to prepare for her makes her seem closer and keeps her right in the front of my mind and heart.